Dealing with end of life as I knew it. Massive changes in my life.

[Doors24]

Hello,

The last seven months have been nothing but massive upheaval and changes. I already suffered from anxiety and depression. These changes have made everything worse and I feel so isolated.

 I went through and currently am still experiencing a medical trauma starting seven months ago. But life still went on whilst I was having to deal with that.

 I lost my amazing dog due to illness and old age whilst I was having treatment and there was nothing I could physically, mentally or emotionally do for her. I was too unwell to help her. She wasn’t alone. As a family dog. But 15 years and she is just gone and the house is so quiet. She was quite a large dog,so her presence is so noticeably absent in just space alone. And that was only two weeks ago.

Then just two weeks later, my family member who has lived with me down my end of the house, moved out. We have spent our childhood together and almost 15 years of our adult lives co-habitating in this space together. Indirectly, we became part of each other’s daily routine by just sounds alone. Even if we didn’t speak directly to each other, we could hear each other living our lives in our rooms. I’d hear their alarms go off in the morning. I could hear them working from home during the day on phone calls and walking up and down the hallway to get coffees or something to eat. At night I could hear them laughing at the tv, taking a shower in the bathroom or even using the toilet spray in the toilet. (The walls are thin in this house). I have become so used to those daily sounds being in my life. I could go to sleep at night comforted by the sounds coming out of the room next door. I felt and have always felt safe living with this sibling being in the next room. And in the space of just 16 hours on the one day, they packed up all their belongings and emptied that room. That morning they lived here. By that night they no longer live here. And they aren’t coming back to live here again. They have called their new place their home verbally.

And whilst I am genuinely happy for that sibling to have finally found their own space and independence. It is just another loss too quickly after the last. I don’t know what to do with myself. I don’t know how to see all these spaces empty or once belong to someone else, but now know that they don’t. It is so incredibly sad and overwhelming and I can’t process it fast enough and my depression is getting worse.

I feel so isolated. I can’t talk about anything I am feeling with the family members left in this house. I have tried and tried. They are emotionally unavailable and are legitimately unable to have real connection type of conversations. The person I was connected to the most in this house,is the one who moved out.

 I just don’t know what to do. I have to walk past their empty door everytime I leave my own room. The silence is so prominent. The grief is so raw. I dream about my dog at night. My house used to be full of life and happiness and now it is full of unhappy people and no connection to one another. We can’t have a discussion together. We are all feeling like there is a dark shadow over our house and waiting for the next thing to happen. I am all alone. Being unwell, I can’t leave this space either. 

 I just need someone to talk to or be heard or have a human connection with. I am not dealing with this well. Any changes are hard for me to process and just this year alone, there has been too many massive changes in short succession.

Thank you for taking the time to read this or respond.

Doors 24

[Doors24]

Dear Daydreamer 70,

Thank you for your response and suggestions.

Distraction is a good way to help deal with things.

 I journal every night. Have never written so many pages as I have these last few days. But it has helped to see the full picture of things. My sadness, as well as the positives for my sibling. How I do wish they were still here, but don’t want them to come back, because that will mean something bad has happened for them. I don’t want them to be trapped. I want them to have space and freedom. I care about them enough to want good things for them. Even if it is alot to mentally handle right now.

Thank you for speaking to me,

Doors24

[indigo22]

Hi Doors24,

You can ask me anything you wish, I am mostly at peace with what I have experienced. The only things I am still working through are the things from my young years that caused the depression in the first place. The energy from the emotions we experienced back then, but didn't know how to process, can become trapped in the body and needs to be shifted along with the false beliefs we have of ourselves.

I was a people pleaser too, we do it because we learn that is the way to be loved and accepted in a dysfunctional environment. We both had terrible role models for how to grow up confident and happy. I was in my 40s before I started to set boundaries (which did not go down well with others, particularly my mother), prior to that I had been a 'door mat'. I had pushed all my emotions down and after the last member of my family passed (which was my mother), I exploded into a rage that lasted for 2 years. I literally hated everybody and everything until I was able to release all the anger. It is not until you learn and understand what happened to you, that you realise mental health issues were inevitable under those conditions. I have made a lot of progress in the past few years, that is not to say that I don't still struggle from time to time, but I no longer have suicidal ideation and most days are pretty good. The times I struggle now is when there are too many things requiring my attention at the same time, then I become overwhelmed and shut down completely. Like you, finances are always a struggle these days. I have not had hot water for months because my hot water tank stopped working and I haven't had the money to get it fixed. There are some things you can learn to live without when you have to, but needless to say, I would prefer not be in this financial position.

About 5 or more years ago, I came to the realisation that everything I had been through had been for a reason and that reason was so that I could help others. I just wasn't sure how I should go about it until I came here. It felt to me that all of the challenges and experience would be a waste if I did not use it to help others going through challenges and/or a crisis, it is also why I decided to become a community champion here.

When you are ready to open up, I will be here to listen, there is no rush. There are a number of books I can suggest when your brain fog clears and cognitive stills return but there is one that I think could be helpful for you right now and is not too complicated to take in. 'Anchored' by Deb Dana is available in audiobook, this is a book on what is known as Polyvagal Theory by Stephen Porges which sounds complicated and is, however Deb writes for the layperson and so is very straightforward. When you are feeling better and can take more in, I highly recommend that you listen to 'The Body Keeps the Score' by Bessel van der Kolk, this one helped me a great deal. One that I have been trying to get time to read is 'The Myth of Normal' by Gabor Mate, I really like this author and look forward to what he has to say. I will let you know what I think after reading it.

I hope you are getting some sunshine where you are, it's lovely here so a good day to get out in the garden.

indigo 💜

[Doors24]

Dear Indigo,

I wanted to say thank you for your openness. Some of the things you have disclosed are things I would be interested in hearing more about.

But before I forget. I last year did a free 3-day trauma webinar and Bessel van der Kolk and Gabor Mate were speakers. I liked Bessel and his way of communicating was very up my alley. His words made sense too. About our bodies. Unfortunately, Gabor wasn't my cup of tea. But the whole webinar was for a company and was almost like an informercial half of each day. And it was a very expensive infomercial at that. But I have heard of their names too. I think my hurdle to mental health publications is that I can understand the theory, but don't know how to put it into practice. I liken it to two cliffs; my brain builds a bridge between the two cliffs and a few bits of information run over before the bridge collapses and I have to rebuild again. And it takes a long time to rebuild it each time.

I think I can say a little bit more about myself now as I have read alot more about others who shared. I started suffering from anxiety since I was 12. I inadvertently became one of my parents carers who has a pretty severe mental health disorder. I was having panic attacks by 17. I always spoke to professionals. I sourced them myself. But in my late 20's I had a breakdown and was professionally diagnosed with anxiety, OCD and social agoraphobia. I thought I was trucking along well, until my beloved cat was mauled to death 2 years ago. It shattered my whole existence. I spent my whole days making sure he was safe and pre-empted so many dangers for him. And I couldn't have seen that coming. They came into our backyard. A place he was always safe. I wasn't home and I trusted people to look after him, but they never listened to me. And he was killed. I became suicidal very quickly and for many weeks. I still think about dying today, but not in that way. I can't understand why this beautiful soul was killed. My guilt is immense. I was diagnosed with depression and PTSD alongside the others. I had another breakdown and I haven't recovered. I have disconnected from life after I realised how naive I had been and all my thoughts and security was all a lie. I wasn't doing well, I had just suppressed the truth. Because I was happy with my fur children. I am also very angry with life. I have lost my identity. I have lost all hope or direction. Then last year I was diagnosed with cancer and had major surgery and then chemotherapy. I finished my chemotherapy in January. I should be alright now. For this cancer at least. But during my chemo, my 14 yr old dog declined and there was nothing I could do to help her. My chemo regime was brutal and I somedays couldn't take care of myself. She was put down as I was in the CDU getting chemotherapy pumped into my veins. Not a single person looked after me during chemotherapy, I live in a house full of adults. I had a few medical episodes, but that still didn't prompt anyone to help me. I am only 2 weeks in recovery from chemo and my dogs passing. And then my sibling moved out on the weekend. I am still looking after myself post chemo,alone. And my other dog. And she is 15 with degenerative heart problems. She won't last the year either. I won't hold onto her longer then is kind.

I won't lie. I don't see the point of life. I have experienced trauma after trauma with little support and have to fight to survive everyday. I can't see any further then today, because I don't know my condition on that day. People expect me to be better now without any help to support that expectation mentally, emotionally and physically. And I know what is ahead of me. More loss. And time is running out to sort myself out and into this world with poverty being the likely way of life. It isn't poor me, it is just the reality. And I don't ignore reality anymore.

All these losses are like watching candles of hope being extinguished and there aren't that many candles lit to begin with. And new candles aren't appearing. I don't know how to not have hate, fear or feel safe. "Home" has just become a house where I don't feel safe or secure. I don't have any hope for the future to see it getting better. And time has become my enemy. A clock ticking down above my head.

And once again I am surrounded by and influenced by emotional abusive relationships. They aren't happy either. So, it is hard to escape that mentality.

Sorry it got pretty dark there. But that is the me hidden behind a front.

And you shared some experiences in your life that spoke to me about mine. And you may understand how I am feeling. I just can't fathom how you got through them all.

Speak soon,

Door24

[Doors24]

Hello everybody,

After a series of setbacks, I have become very isolated. I don't have a big pool of people in my life, friends or family. I don't even fill a kiddie sized pool.

I have diagnosis's mentally and physically. And I currently don't know how to meet people, let alone make friends and keep them. I don't think much of myself unfortunately, being a people pleaser, so don't think others would either. I have to earn their affection rather than them just like me for me.

But after recent events I have been craving human connection more than ever and couldn't find it in my world. So, I am trying here.

Chronic depression, anxiety, PTSD, OCD and agoraphobia have plagued my life. I am middle aged and had two breakdowns due to mental health events. Life always seems like one continuous fight.

Despite this I am empathetic to others, have compassion for others, feel things very deeply, have insight about my conditions and can be a very loyal person. I don't like to see others hurting. I also have the ability to look out of my own self and see the whole or bigger picture. I have intelligence and value. I just need to find a place where that can grow. 

I am still learning the difference of being supportive vs. telling people what to do/preaching/telling them to be positive when they just want to be heard and not fixed/telling people to try doing this when they just can't. I am trying the supportive route. However sometimes it can come across as trying too much and it may sound like my opinion. I unfortunately mimic my current environment.

I do come from an oppressive and emotional abusive background and life. I don't like sudden changes as they often pull the rug out from under my feet. I like parameters that are black and white.

I don't think I am prepared for life and am afraid to be left behind.

But most of all I just want to know of a place, that if I talk, someone will reach out back to me. I have had so much silence. I just want to know of all the good people I have heard about. That they are real and do exist. And I can express myself without judgement and also support others. So, we can know there are better things out there for us as people. And what I know isn't the way life has to only be.

Plus, if you chat to me, I will chat back.

Thank you for reading and greeting me.

Doors24

[indigo22]

Hi Doors24,

You have shared a lot today and I am so proud of you for finding the courage to tell at least some of your story. I realise there is much more that you will want to talk about and I will be here to "hear you". This is just a brief reply for now as there is a lot I would like to respond to but haven't the time right now. Please know, without a doubt, I will always reply to you, there may be a time lag on occasions, but I will always reply. There is a member here that I have been communicating with for the past 2 or more years. You won't be judged here, this is a safe place for you to be yourself. You never need to apologise for expressing darkness, it is part of the process and it is understood. Please be aware and understand that some may not respond to you, they may not be ready to talk yet but your support for others is appreciated by all of us. Above all, know that you matter to me, you deserve to be heard and supported and I will do my best to do exactly that.

I will talk more as soon as I can, in the meantime, know you are in my thoughts.

Sleep well,

indigo 💜

[Psychdiaries2]

Hi there,

Thank you for your vulnerability in sharing what you’re going through today. It is much appreciated. 

I’m sorry for the loss of your pet, it is understandably hard hitting. Pets are like companions to us so of course it is incredibly hard when they pass on. It feels like a part of you is gone. It’s ok to not be ok right now and it’s ok to feel what you feel. Take all the time you need in processing this grief, your feelings are valid. It also makes sense that you feel a sense of loss and quiet after your sibling has moved out. I hope the dynamics in your house improve and that you again take your time processing everything. Maybe you could even ring up that person and have a chat with them? It sounds like their presence was palpable and thus has taken a toll now that they’re gone.

I relate to the feeling of one thing after another happening and feeling overwhelmed. Do you have anyone in your life who you trust to open up to today? You don’t have to bear this weight on your own. It’s a great first step to talk on here and it’s great! If you need extra support don’t be afraid to reach out to a counsellor on here: https://www.beyondblue.org.au/#

Feel free to keep reaching out. You’re not alone and we’re here for you! Take care of yourself today ❤️

[Doors24]

Dear Indigo,

Thank you for your support.

l look forward to chatting to you soon.

Doors24

[Doors24]

Dear Psychdiaries2,

Thank you for your thoughts,support and suggestions.

 I don’t really have anyone to reach out to. So I am trying to find avenues to connect with other people. 
I have used the Beyond Blue hotline before. And will do so again. But am aware these aren’t places for a therapy session, just connecting with others.

Thank you for reaching out,

Doors24

[indigo22]

Hi Doors24,

Sorry it has taken me a while to get back to you, have had a couple of quite busy days. I hope you are ok.

I am not sure where to start today, we both entered into our mental health issues at the same age only for different reasons. Looking back, I know I started with dysthymia at 12 and progressed to major depression at 14 when I lost my brother. How can we possibly know how to deal with that sort of burden at that age.

I have also had a couple of breakdowns over the years, it becomes inevitable when life feels like a constant battle to keep your head above water, sooner or later you run out of energy to keep going.

I wanted to talk about your cat that was mauled and say how sorry I am that it happened. It is heartbreaking to lose them at the best of times but to lose them that way is a whole other level. Was it dogs? I also had a cat and I heard a fight between a cat and dog and went to investigate but never saw my cat again, despite looking and calling, I can only assume she crawled off somewhere to die or was carried off by her attacker. My cats have been inside cats ever since that happened. I understand your feelings of guilt, I had them too, but at some point you need to speak to the soul of your cat and tell him how sorry you are that you could not protect him, and then forgive yourself for not being there. Guilt and shame will eat away at you so it's important to put it to rest as soon as you are able. Your sweet boy would not want you to carry that burden for the rest of your life. I decided to honour all my animals and humans that are no longer here with a memorial rose bush, I chose the names of each rose to fit the animal or person and it gives me great pleasure to see them bloom and think of those who have passed. Perhaps you can think of a way to honour your boy and your recently departed dog in some way that has meaning for you and them. They will remain in your heart, animals don't judge, it is only us humans who do that to ourselves, I am absolutely sure they knew and still know they were loved. Try not to let your grief take away the time and love you can still share with the one who is still here. Yes, you will have more loss when the time comes, it is inevitable, but we know that we will outlive our animals when we take them into our hearts and our home. I don't know about you, but I would not change a moment of the time I have shared with any of my animals, despite the pain when it is their time to go.

I hope that over time as we talk, you will come to see yourself as I see you through your words - someone who has had to endure a great deal of hardship, but is still here and still trying, that takes strength and resilience, I am not sure that you recognise how important those qualities are. When life throws a spanner in the works now, I tell myself, I have already lived through the worst and survived. I no longer see myself as broken, just wounded by life and I know that wounds can heal so there is always hope for a better future.

One of the senior cats I took in recently, I have now realised has the feline version of PTSD, I don't see this as a burden, I see this as a challenge to help him heal from his past trauma, to live out the rest of his life in peace, and I absolutely know that him coming into my life was no accident. I think sometimes we can be caught up in seeing things from only the one perspective, but if we can find a way to see a different perspective, it can change how we see ourselves and our life quite dramatically.

So as not to overwhelm you, I will respond to other parts of your post in the coming days. I am so glad you feel safe enough here to open up.

Sleep well,

indigo 💜

[indigo22]

Hello again Doors24,

I hope your health is improving a little each day.

Today I wanted to ask you about how you came to be a carer for your parent at such a young age, it's too young for that burden of responsibility. Where you the eldest? I know of a few others here that ended up in that role at a young age too and it is just not right to do that to a child. I can understand the progression of your anxiety to panic attacks. At what stage did you begin to have the ocd symptoms? I am guessing that was your way of coping with your anxiety at the time.

I think you have done a complete flip in terms of how you think about yourself and life. Perhaps you were naïve, but so was I for a long time. Life is rarely so black and white, there are always shades of grey in between but I think you have blocked them out. If you only think like a realist all the time, life will seem impossible because there is nothing you can change. However, you can live in reality whilst keeping your thoughts on how you would like things to be, it is how change manifests itself. The more you focus on what you do want (and not on what you don't want), you open the door for changes to happen for you. Why not try it for a while and see what happens, you have nothing to lose.

I am sorry you have been left to deal with your chemo on your own, did your sibling at least help you with some of it? I saw what my eldest brother went through with chemo so I can imagine it has been an ordeal to get through. I am glad you are past that stage so you can begin to heal from the surgery and chemo and get some physical strength back. I know the emotional healing will take longer but you have made it this far and survived, so I know you have it in you to recover. Nothing will ever be as bad as what you have already been through and you are still here to tell the story.

I won't lie to you either, I took all my strength to get out of the black hole and I had to do it alone with only the help of therapy. With no family left and no partner, there was no other choice but to do it alone but it took time and was a slow process. The best thing I did for myself was to move away from where all the memories were, it has allowed my mind and body to calm down. I know that may not be something you are able to do right now, but I would urge you to focus your thoughts on where you would like to see yourself and begin now to start working towards it. The further away from the city you are the less expensive it is to find somewhere to live and there is also the option of sharing a house or unit with someone to make things more affordable. Just start giving it some thought for now.

I will write again soon, hope the sun is shining where you are, seeing the sun always makes me feel better.

indigo 💜