Crying because others are hurt

[Guest_1055]

Hello to any people that read this....

I was wondering if anyone else can relate to what is happening to me.

I have been a member on BB for a couple of months. During this time a have read a lot of other people posts, like what is happening to them, and how they feel. And sometimes my heart hurts after I read their words. Often times I cry about the pain they have felt, because I can't stand the thought of anyone else hurting or in pain in any way.

They are all strangers to me, yet they are not at the same time. All I want to do is give them hugs. True some of the feelings they have are no stranger to me, because I have felt them. But the person is..... And I do feel a little connection to some people.

But mostly this is all I can do, just cry,give hugs and tell little stories. And sometimes I feel useless, because I cannot offer advice or something. I even feel a bit dumb, because everyone else seems to give advice, but I am unable, because I don't know what advice to give. And I wouldn't want to give the wrong advice anyway. I don't seem to operate much from the head, just emotions and feelings.

I do care very much about every single person that I read about. 

Can anyone relate at all? And now all I want to do his give each of you a hug to thankyou for giving your time to me in reading my words.

So here is my hug and with all my heart I say thank you.

Shelley xx

[Guest_5218]

Hi Shelley,

I am glad that you are going to try to take a step back and give yourself a bit of a break from everyone elses problems.  I will definitely miss seeing you around as much, but I totally understand, and realise that its the best thing for you.  I sometimes get the impression that you are giving everything you've got to help everyone else, and yet you dont seem to be asking for anything back.  And that concerns me.

And of course, I'll still love you too, even if you arent around quite as much.  Enjoy a break occasionally.   ( - :

Sherie xx

[MisterM]

Hi Shelley,

You have a big beautiful heart.
The world needs more like you.
Thank you for your posts.
Big hug. M.

[Guest_1055]

Yeah I have been posting less, even managed I think almost a while day without posting anything....

Thanks Sherie, and did I say thankyou for reassuring me that time on the chat thread? I think that is what I do need sometimes, just a bit of reassurance or something.

Shelley xx

[Guest_1055]

Hey Mister M

Thankyou for the big hug, I sort of felt it, in a reassuring  comforting way.

Hug

Shelley xx

[Chris_B]

Hi everyone,

It's great that Shelley has brought this up, as it's a good opportunity to discuss something that's really important: self-care here on the forums.

I started a thread a few years back now, called "Worried about other users - how are we doing?", when we had a number of members that found themselves getting upset by what they were reading on here.  I'll repeat the question I asked in that thread, in the hope we can share some positive coping strategies: how do you cope when you read about others in distress? Do you have a self-care plan in place, and if so, what is it? 

Our community champions spend many hours volunteering here on the forums, and a few have already replied above with how they manage their time here and avoid getting overwhelmed by what they read.

Thinking about what you would like to get out of being on the forums can be helpful.  Are you looking for solutions or support around a specific issue in your life?  Are you just wanting to socialise and take your mind off some of life's stresses?  Are you wanting to provide support or insights for others?  All of these are valid reasons for being part of the forums, but knowing which of these fits your goals can help you know which threads or sections to read, which to avoid, and how much time you wish to spend on here.

Some people find reading about the problems of others helps them put their own into perspective, others find it makes them feel worse. We're all different.

Also bear in mind that this is an anonymous space, and members posting only disclose what they choose to. You may not know the full story of what's going on in their lives, and it's quite common for those of us with anxiety and/or depression to project our feelings onto others' situations, or perhaps jump to conclusions.  Maintaining a certain distance and reminding yourself of the limitations of communicating and interacting in an online space can be helpful.

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi Shelley Anne (and all the others)

Absolutely I can relate, and you're not alone.  

I can echo with what the others have said in that your ability to relate and put yourself in other peoples shoes is such a valuable asset, and also why we love having you on the forums.  You have so much to give and it's such a gift to be able to share this with the BeyondBlue site.

I also feel the same way; I've found it a big learning curve as I too find myself getting teary or emotional when I read some of the stories as it either brings up memories of my own or I want to wrap them in a hug or even just feeling helpless because I can't help them as much as I want to. 

With what Chris B said, there's lots of different strategies that we can do to help stay afloat.  Sometimes it can be really wonderful to be able to help people, but there are other times where I do feel really drained and tired; not because I don't want to help them, but because I am hurting for and with them.  

I was doing some reading lately and I saw that a lot of people struggle with this; whether it's nurses, psychologists, paramedics - finding that balance between caring for others and caring for yourself is important. Whether it's posting in the forums, being a carer, or even just finding the balance between our work life and our home life.

You've got to do what's right for you.

Hope this helps 🙂

[Scotchfinger]

Compassion Fatigue.

This is something we all have to watch. if we don't look after ourselves properly, we can't be  as strong a support as we would like.

[white knight]

Compassion fatigue. I love learning new phrases or names for things that hits the nail on the head.

Shelley Anne I recall many years ago a relative I was chatting to, after I mentioned the exact same extensive feelings and emotions you describe, told me "we all have to carry our own cross". Initially this hurt but as always I go away pondering the significance of his remark without the hurt I felt.

Since then I've tried to carry my own cross and bare some of the impact life throws at us. We all have our battles we have to endure in daily living so while it is admirable to be so kind and sympathetic it doesn't contribute much towards your own well being. The return of such contributions wouldn't be automatically given. We need to get things into perspective, balance our time and emotions to help others but .......to remember charity begins at home.

Chris asked some important questions for you a few posts ago. Hope to read your replies.

Tony WK

[Carmela]

Bless your beautiful heart Shelley Anne.  

I have to agree with Scotchfinger. I dislike labels but 'compassion fatigue' is the best title for how you are feeling Shelley Anne.  Before embracing the BB family and undertaking my paid work in complementary therapies, a friend of mine who is a psychologist spoke to me about the occupational hazards associated with this line of work. She said that this work challenges us to be open to letting people touch our souls, just as we touch theirs. To prepare me for what was to come, she directed me to read a book titled 'Riding out the Storm: A Therapist’s Guide to Surviving Burnout' by D Treadway (1998).  

Treadway outlines a number of strategies to prevent compassion fatigue/burnout.  The main themes of this book are in relation to developing self care and self awareness  as it is essential for stability, therefore embracing mindfulness and compassion towards ourselves; balanced life - take time out and accept that this is ok. Do some form of exercise, healthy eating, sufficient sleep, hobbies or other methods like yoga, meditation etc that give a genuine recharge; spend time appreciating the rewards of care-giving and our sense of place and belonging -remember that to be responsive to other's suffering can make a difference, and that we are not responsible for their lives, it is not your story but theirs.

I hope l have been of some help. Best wishes and many hugs to all BB forum supporters. You are a bright light in the darkness of mental health. 

[Letsgethappy]

Hi Shelley,

You are a beautiful person. I have read some of your replies to other threads, and even though you say you don't always know what advice to give, I feel you always know exactly what to say, and that is a really wonderful thing. I'm also giving you a big hug, just like you give to everyone else xxx