Crying, a gauge to our mental strength?

[white knight]

Reaching 60yo l can reflect on my early life and it is clear that my thousands of buckets l could have filled with my tears is in contrast to the period of post 2009. Why?.

Diagnosed in 2009 with bipolar 2,depression, dysthymia and dwindling anxiety meant the correct medication was prescribed. From then on it was more a case of fine tuning dosages.

Last week l had the trauma of my youngest daughter leaving my life. She's 24yo and l have been tormented by this development BUT, I havent shead a tear. I feel it is a reflection of my newfound mental strength. Yes she has come and gone in my life but that fact doesnt mean it comes easy to cope with.

What else could it be?. After much analysis l think acceptance of what life really is has helped.

Life is not what we plan it to be nor wished. As kids we drew rainbows but not rocks. Life will throw stones, rocks, even boulders- without warning. Is our lack of being able to cope due to us expecting a smooth road in life? Or do we know life has hurdles but when they arrive its so devastating we have no learned skills to cope with them?

At school we had no lessons in "coping with trauma" or "breaking up with your partner, how to do it with compassion and care" or "depression signs" etc.. even financial planning isnt taught. All these life challenges are learned the hard way.

Some people can approach such challenges easier than others. So if you are sensitive, had a cruel upbringing, family history of mental illness and so on, you might let your tears become streams. Is it an indicator of your mental strength-lack of it?

I suggest it could be. There is no worse feeling imo. That feeling of devastation, worthlessness, failure and mental collapse- crying. However I've known some people equally the same but not crying, with filming over their eyes as if deeply sad without tears so I'm not saying it is the case every time.

If you have had a period of lots of crying, to work closely with your professional mental health expert with medication and therapy. Hopefully you'll improve and your stream of tears will dry up. Mine did so there is hope that your mental strength will return or develop even late in life.

Accepting life has boulders will prepare yourself for them. Sh*t happens and its out if your control but you can develop strategies to cope better and a mentality that will look at life for what it is and always had been, unpredicable, hurtful but can be wonderful, incredible and more stable

Tony WK

[Just Sara]

Hello and welcome Snowbear to our caring BB community;

I know this is Tony's thread, but I just had to comment on your wonderful first post. It was open and honest and worthy re topic, this site and its members, so well done!

Giving yourself permission to cry when it was obviously very difficult for so long is commendable. And, it totally makes sense! Your husband must be proud of you ta-boot.

Creating such a comprehensive post in so little words is a gift. I for one would love to read more. Please feel free to peruse the sections and add your flavour anywhere that suits.

Kind thoughts..

Sara

[Boo1986]

Hi Sara,

I'm at a loss for words. I had no idea. I guess it shows why you have so much kindness and compassion. I am so sorry for the abuse you suffered as a child, and so sorry your family didn't support you. I can't believe your sister. I will always count myself lucky, despite other challenges in my life, my sisters are my best friends. I could not imagine either of them betraying my trust like that. Nor my family abandoning me after finding out something so horrible. I'm just so sorry. I wish your sister had cried with you, I wish she understood and cared for you so deeply that your pain would be her pain. I don't understand how someone could be so cold.

I guess in some way us 'sensitive types' are considered weak by some (as the men here have stated that this was the attitude of their fathers) but I argue that our tears come from a place of deep understanding and emotion, not just for ourselves but also when we observe another in pain. I think this takes strength in its own way, when we observe pain we recognise it from having been through something similar and survived.

Sara I wish so much that I could give you a big hug. I hope that someday you will at least receive justice for what has happened and that your family would acknowledge what happened and apologise for the terrible way they handled your 'secret'.

I would much rather be overly sensitive than a cold & heartless person as your mother and sister have been in this situation.

I'm just so sorry Sara, thank-you for being strong enough to survive this and for using your beautiful & kindhearted nature to help so many others including myself xo

[Just Sara]

Dearest Boo;

As usual your beautiful heart and empathy shines from within your post. It was touching and emotional to read...thankyou.

Disclosing a secret can be a trauma in itself. I honestly believe however, 'that' purging of my pain through hysterical crying gave me the strength to carry on, as has each incident of release since.

Something happened to me a couple of weeks ago that I finally said out loud to a friend on Tues morning. I cried uncontrollably then too. The amazing thing was I didn't wait 25 yrs to do it. That means the fear, shame and guilt isn't there anymore; my tears aren't pointless!

As for my family? Well, apart from one immediate family member, none have spoken the words I so long to hear; "It must've been awful, you were only a little girl". I've even called them on it, but all I get are looks of wanting to escape, and guilt. The thing is Boo, this response is normal believe it or not.

There's a book written by 2 UK child sexual assault psychologists called 'The Courage to Heal'. I received it from my psych many years ago; it's given out for free through government counselors, or at least it used to be. The whole book is dedicated to individual's stories of childhood tragedy told by them, not a third party. The most common theme is not being believed or supported by their loved ones.

TRIGGER WARNING: ***This book is highly emotional and explicit in nature. Anyone with sexual assault in their history choosing to read it should do so under the guidance of a mental health professional***

Sorry Tony to hijack your thread. It just seemed appropriate to mention this resource at this time.

Anyway, I won't go on. Just know that I'm a living example of what can be achieved with the help of crying.

Sara (Thankyou for the hug)

[white knight]

Dearest Just Sara

KIND STRINGS

I cannot play a banjo

But after reading your reply

You installed several of its strings

So now l think I'll try

You suffered an injustice

And you felt you were to blame

You regret spilling your secret

But we'd all do the same

Your courage has some bite

As well as subtle things

Your will makes us play our banjoes

You are the kindest of all strings...

So we'll play our happy banjoes

And dance at what words bring

You make our forum worthy

An orchestra of strings...

Tony WK

[Boo1986]

I think you are right, our tears aren't always pointless and sometimes can really help us heal. The longer I hold onto some tears the more painful it is when they come out. I usually don't cry about the same thing more than once... Though I have cried about the passing of Sarge hundreds of times, usually once I cry about something I find it easier to put that thing in the past and leave it there. Sometimes allowing ourselves the space to truly feel an emotion (even if it is a negative one) can actually be more positive than avoiding it, trying to ignore it or devalue it. Our emotions are valid. We are allowed to feel and we are allowed to react to our feelings and respond in ways that aren't always logical.

Although I understand crying will not change the situation, it can help change our mindset about the situation therefore I do think it is a valid form of expression.

As Jugglin Strugglin pointed out " Crying shows vulnerability & submission to an attack, solicits sympathy & aid and signals a shared emotional attachment." When we cry, I think the right people recognise our vulnerability and can see what our emotional needs are and how they can help. Some people hide their emotions too much and people make the mistake of assuming that person is fine, that they are tough and don't need help. Sometimes crying is the best way to explain our feelings, sometimes words just wont do.

Love the poem Tony WK, it's beautiful.

[Just Sara]

I'm swallowing back tears here Tony...truly. You sure do know how to make a girl feel special.

Actually, no, I am crying. Don't know why, maybe feeling a bit unworthy. I've made a mess on another thread and it's left me sad and regretful. Yep, that's it. Well, I suppose if I'm going to cry, this is the place to do it.

You've been here for me since the beginning Tony; the good, the bad and the ugly. I fall down, I pick myself up and there you are cheering from the stands. Bless you...

Your poem ('s) about banjo strings is not only creative, but a great metaphor and quite sentimental; a nice mix. I always get something personal out of them too. So thankyou again and may your weekend be full of life, love and smiles.

My warm and grateful thoughts...

Sara

[Just Sara]

Hi again Boo;

(Sorry I didn't know you'd posted as I received a visitor and closed the laptop for a while)

Your words (and Lee's) ring so true. It is sad too that crying can be taken as a form of weakness. I saw my boss smile once when I began to cry at the hands of his ill treatment; I knew then where I stood and who he was as a man. Yes, I said man, not boss. My feelings are gender based and I'm not apologetic for that; I've earned the right to this opinion.

You're also right that crying openly can let others know of our helplessness and why our confusion or grief is valid...it hurts...it really hurts and a lot of the time we don't know why. But knowing what I do now, makes me a great person to cry in front of. (Thankyou Tony WK for that also)

My support, or giving back as I like to think of it, is what I 'have' to give. It isn't just, "There, there. It's all going to be fine" because let's face it, sometimes it isn't; sometimes it's going to get worse before it gets better.

Watching another in pain without crying ourselves can be an exercise in strength that doesn't come easy. How many times have I cried which made another cry and then I leaned over to help them? It's a battle of will's tbh. So allowing ourselves and others room to do what comes naturally, can be a new experience. It just takes practice.

I love your posts Boo! Full of clarity and wisdom, thank goodness we have so many souls on here with these qualities. You are heard and validated lovely...

Sara

[white knight]

Yes Boo, agree with Sara, your clarity is warming.

Ive messed up threads myself and it sets one back Sara. But on each occasion I've never made the same mistake twice. Eventually the mistakes dont happen anymore and you feel cemented in the role.

Snowbear made an observation, that her husband hadnt seen her cry more than twice in 9 years then countless times in the last 10 months. So bouts of crying could be in cycles or triggered by grief or a build up.

In my past crying came daily. But there was significant change in my negative mindset pre 1982 and positivity post 1982. I still cried often but l sprang out of the gloom attached to it.

Google: Topic: 30 minutes can change your life- beyondblue

Without boring others too much but this following little event is pivotal to this thread and its readers.

Around 1985 l was really down. I did a common action for me....

PROBLEM FLOWER

Of every problem l have

I picked a daisy flower

Picked a petal for each of my woes

Then count them by the hour

And when this flower destroyed

My issues as big as a city tower

I thought l had problems

But not as many as that flower....

And so l sprang to life, l learned to switch my mind from inner grief to action. Sometimes that transformation is initiated simply by standing up and walking away from the scene or (willingly) turning my negative mind of my sorrow to "chase" an excuse as to why to be positive like staring at that flower with no petals??

Its been long accepted we humans use only a small portion of our brain. If we explore where we can add abilities instead of focussing on our inabilities then we, by virtue of the smallest action is improving our ability to cope.

Even saying "today was a bad day...but tomorrow will be wonderful"

35 years after that 30 minute lecture described in that thread "30 minutes can change your life" a motivation lecture, my positivity is now in my persona, it cant be removed. I live in positivity, there is no alternative.

So for those that cry a lot and often, if you do so for negative reasons, the challenges you face is too hard, your loss too great, then change your environment and pick a daisy flower...

Tony WK

[Just Sara]

Giving you a daisy a day Tony!

What a beautiful post! A poem to brighten my day (night) and cheer up the masses. Your wisdom and advice is surely a shining light in a dark room.

Thankyou....

Sara

[Jugglin_Strugglin]

Hi tony,

I don't know if you have a main thread, but think I can find you here. (Is there a 'right' way to contact a champion or member? I'm not up on netiquette)

i just read on another post, you said "Latest research suggests that fighting depression delays your progress, that the cycle is best allowed to "run its course".

Can you let us know the article that you saw this? I would be interested to know more about this.

Thanks, the scientist in Lee!