Crying, a gauge to our mental strength?

[white knight]

Reaching 60yo l can reflect on my early life and it is clear that my thousands of buckets l could have filled with my tears is in contrast to the period of post 2009. Why?.

Diagnosed in 2009 with bipolar 2,depression, dysthymia and dwindling anxiety meant the correct medication was prescribed. From then on it was more a case of fine tuning dosages.

Last week l had the trauma of my youngest daughter leaving my life. She's 24yo and l have been tormented by this development BUT, I havent shead a tear. I feel it is a reflection of my newfound mental strength. Yes she has come and gone in my life but that fact doesnt mean it comes easy to cope with.

What else could it be?. After much analysis l think acceptance of what life really is has helped.

Life is not what we plan it to be nor wished. As kids we drew rainbows but not rocks. Life will throw stones, rocks, even boulders- without warning. Is our lack of being able to cope due to us expecting a smooth road in life? Or do we know life has hurdles but when they arrive its so devastating we have no learned skills to cope with them?

At school we had no lessons in "coping with trauma" or "breaking up with your partner, how to do it with compassion and care" or "depression signs" etc.. even financial planning isnt taught. All these life challenges are learned the hard way.

Some people can approach such challenges easier than others. So if you are sensitive, had a cruel upbringing, family history of mental illness and so on, you might let your tears become streams. Is it an indicator of your mental strength-lack of it?

I suggest it could be. There is no worse feeling imo. That feeling of devastation, worthlessness, failure and mental collapse- crying. However I've known some people equally the same but not crying, with filming over their eyes as if deeply sad without tears so I'm not saying it is the case every time.

If you have had a period of lots of crying, to work closely with your professional mental health expert with medication and therapy. Hopefully you'll improve and your stream of tears will dry up. Mine did so there is hope that your mental strength will return or develop even late in life.

Accepting life has boulders will prepare yourself for them. Sh*t happens and its out if your control but you can develop strategies to cope better and a mentality that will look at life for what it is and always had been, unpredicable, hurtful but can be wonderful, incredible and more stable

Tony WK

[Jugglin_Strugglin]

Hi Tony,

I worry that my inability to cry is a lack of 'emotions'. That my heart has become hardened, that I am incapable of 'feeling'. Likewise, I now rarely get angry. It takes a lot to make me feel that way, which I don't regret, as it is not a nice feeling. I'd much rather cry.

It takes a lot to make me feel anything. Do we just mellow with age. Does chronic depression eventually dull emotions. Is the numbness a self-preservation strategy by your sub-conscious. Do you begin to feel like your old self as you recover or are your emotions forever changed by the illness. All of these Qs can be answered in the affirmative, so I find that hopeful. Ive recovered before, so I know how good it feels.

Empathy is a wonderful feeling. Mine has increased over the years. I find it easier to cry and to feel angry for others, than for myself. It allows me to give back, but in doing so, I receive so much more. Our emotions are indeed a mine-field. How can we be in this black pit of sadness, yet not be able to cry for ourselves!

I admire you in finding strength by the absence of crying. A good example of cognitive behaviour. I am thankful that I am not as sensitive as I once was, but hope I can regain a 'healthy dose' of it back when my MH improves. Everything in moderation?

Lee

[Boo1986]

Hi Tony WK,

Just wondering if it is OK with you if I keep a copy of your poem "Problem Flower" and if so would you like to be credited as Tony WK or would you prefer if I use anonymously? I'd like to have it on display in my classroom one day when I get back into teaching but only with your permission

xo

[Starwolf]

Hey Boo, thank you for your kind appreciation.

It may sound strange but I am no longer sorry for what I went through. It is true that I lost a lot in the process but it was kinda reclaimed. Sometimes a hundredfold. Unexpected rewards were gained too.

As mentioned in my post, we're all different. Unlike Tony, I don't consider hypersensitivity a weakness or a hindrance. It is something I wouldn't want to lose. It can be a formidable asset. To me, crying has never been an obstacle to moving regardless through sadness, pain and despair. Never the opposite to courage. Not something I couldn't control if I tried, just something I allow myself to do, acknowledgment and expression of a feeling.

For me, lack of courage were the years of escape into numbness and denial. To be kinder to my inner child, the only coping strategy I could muster at the time.

Forgiving my psychotic mother actually helped the floodgates open. A French woman eloping with a German soldier during the war was not regarded kindly. I only know the little I could wrench out of my grandmother but she would have gone through hell for it. When she later remarried, she didn't want a child. No contraception then and having a child was the expected thing to do. So the feeling I had been forced on her. No excuse but an understandable explanation.

I agree that -if we were humble enough- there's a lot we could learn from our dogs. Unconditional love and loyalty for a start...though I mostly deal with the initially homicidal type !!! Congrats for giving a needy one a home. You're a gem !

It reassures me to know there are teachers like you out there. Such an important, responsible role...your students are a lucky lot.

Sara...I don't know what to say. I've never considered myself worthy of admiration, just resilient. So a simple but hearfelt "thank you" will do.

Croix, I am grateful that my post rang a familiar bell. These forums definitely drive home the fact that we are not alone. Our feelings are often validated by other people's experiences and responses. Kinda reassuring sometimes !!!​

[white knight]

Hi boo,

By all means copy the poem and put Tony WK on the bottom. If an eager publisher wants to spray me with millions theyll trace me lol.

Re: less crying, hasnt meant less emotion. I worked out long ago in my 20's that my emotions were a highly important part of my character. I nurture its depth. Since then I've surrounded myself with like minded people. Mainly kind people.

I suppose as my mother was manipulative, destructive and a whole heap of other nasty traits...I've gone the other way and reject people of those characteristics.

However, to survive with depression I've found that to wallow in "what could have been" or why"s, is not productive. I could cry myself to sleep over my daughters discarding of me, over and over asking myself "why couldnt she not realise this and that". Instead when l think about her l feel pity and l feel that "thats life". She adopted her mothers brainwashing. I'm not going to combat it.

I was taught realism by a therapist. My mother was a good nurturer. That made it harder to reject her. My realism got me to a point when l said to myself "my mother was a good nurturer...its the bad traits l cannot live with"

So be realistic. Clarify things. Be fair with yourself and care for your health. By all means cry but limit it to a few minutes.

There is a lot of truth in the term "sh*t happens". It took me a long time to get where l am and now that I'm here l am so in control l want to share the joy of being on top of that mountain.

But I'm lucky or rather I've created a lot of my own luck because I've had the capability. Some dont have the capability.

Hope l made sense.

Tony WK

[Croix]

Dear Starwolf~

I don't consider hypersensitivity a weakness or a hindrance

Um, I totally agree with the first half - life without that sensitivity is 'blinkered', so much of the world would be invisible.

However I (& no doubt umpteen others) find it a hard road and it is a hindrance to my clear thinking and acting on those thoughts in a balanced manner (probably would not change that aspect of my self though).

Perhaps that is reaction to the information sensitivity provides, perhaps it is a weakness in some other area (self confidence perhaps?) manifesting itself.

Dunno.

Anyway thank you

Croix

[Starwolf]

Croix, I hear you. This is representative of where I am at now. It was not always the case. I was a screwed up, over-reactive mess for many years.

Hypersensitivity makes us vulnerable. But it is like other tools...I have had to learn to use it instead of being at its mercy. A power tool can do a lot of damage until we learn to master it. I learned the hard way, most of us do ! A rocky road indeed. I took it because it was where I wanted to go. A personal journey, by no means everyone's cuppa !

[white knight]

Hi Starwolf.

I get value from your posts.

Re: "Hypersensitivity makes us vulnerable"

Yes, from my perspective when younger l saw others as being hard souls. Even after 3 years in the RAAF and 3 years as a prison officer could not become a stern man, it wasnt in me. But l became a good actor!

Tony WK

[gld]

Hi Everyone,

Re Hypersensitivity/vulnerability,

Love to learn about some tools yourself and others use to combat this sort of issue as it has caused me to explode/implode at all the wrong times. The funny thing is when it happens i become very crushed physically and mentally which leaves others shaking their heads.

Gen

[Just Sara]

Morning Star, Tony, Boo, Lee and all who've posted;

Star wrote: 'Hypersensitivity makes us vulnerable. But it is like other tools...I have had to learn to use it instead of being at its mercy.'

Amazing words indeed; my last 22 yrs in a nutshell! I had to teach myself, as well as give myself permission to cry and get angry 'properly'. Part of that course was learning to 'use' these expressions to identify there was a problem inside me.

Prior to this I thought crying was my weakness, as was my uncontrollable temper. I would cry when I should've been angry, and angry when I should've cried. The confusion of not knowing the 'why's' and how to 'stop' myself from exhibiting this so called 'rubbish' as my mother put it, added to a very painful time trying to heal my deep seeded damage.

Once I discovered the value of tears and emotions as being a map to my pain, things really did get worse before they got better. Because I stuck with it though, I now have my 'tools of recovery' to help identify when my inner's need cleansing, or a problem isn't being dealt with.

I am hypersensitive; THANK GOD! When I get a flutter in my belly or chest, I'm straight onto it. If I'm not sure where it's coming from, I allow the feeling to escalate so the emotion bares itself until I can identify the 'why'. Yes, this can be bloody painful. Sometimes I use Lifeline or a Rape Crisis Line psychologist to aid the process as I don't have anyone to talk to.

The same hypersensitivity that identifies a problem, also leads me to my 'gold'. I know when I've hit pay dirt when my body feels lighter and the emotion changes to relief. A good counselor will ask the right questions and let me ramble through my tears. As soon as the right words (the offending information) leave my lips, I know I'm on the road to recovery.

So here's to our beautiful hyper selves!! "Clink!"

Sara

[Just Sara]

Morning Boo;

You certainly do have a gift of putting words together! I always get so much out of them. Thankyou for your wise counsel and support with my work situation. That time was 6.5 yrs before my breakdown. The incident that bought it all on was 6 months prior to that.

Harassment and intimidation was my world for 7 yrs and the tears I cried could've filled a small dam. As I said in my post to Star, I cried when I should've been angry and vice versa. My tears 'seemed' a sign of weakness that was taken advantage of...by them. This weakness wasn't that at all, it was vulnerability and helplessness. Kick the person while they're down, and grind their foot into my guts creating even more hopelessness.

What an effective management strategy!!!

Anyway, those days are over and its legacy won't be forgotten or lost as insignificant either. Even though I was torn to pieces and left unable to work again, I learned from it.

Whew! That was hard to write. 'Sigh'...take a breath

Thankyou again Boo; and thankyou Tony for creating this thread. It is indeed a place to cry without guilt or shame. Lee, I hope one day your tears will flow for 'you' as well as it has for others.

I'm sorry Croix, I neglected to add your name to my previous post. It was your contribution that paved the way to discussing hypersensitivity, so thankyou.

Today is a good day...

Sara