Constantly feeling like a failure/burden

[Bellatrix_17]

Hi everyone, I’m new here. I haven’t been diagnosed properly yet (only once by a GP). I always feel anxious and constantly feel like a failure/burden. 

I feel like I can’t do anything right. I’ve been actively looking for a stable job for months. I have qualifications and work experience from internships and field placements. My supervisors, tutors or trainers always told me that I was very competent too. I’m using a resume format with content that was reviewed by an expert from my uni. I just update the content as necessary. I wouldn’t say I lack communication skills either. However, I have only got contacted for interviews so far.

My friends from uni already got a job. I might be the only one who haven’t got a job (got my master’s degree in 2019 and diploma last December). I’m 29 years old and not eligible for Centrelink services. Therefore, I have to shamelessly ask for money from my parents who are currently struggling financially as well. I feel useless.

I have a partner who also have anxiety and depression disorders. I’m very open minded, but I rarely express my opinions to other people, apart from my partner who shares the same views. However, most of the times whenever I express my opinions to him, particularly about social injustice, he always gets triggered. He would seem uncomfortable. Even when I just want to talk casually. I feel like I can’t say anything right.

I feel like a failure. I feel like a burden to every person that I love.

[quirkywords]

Bellatrix

I am sorry that you are in a bad place and struggling. 
I don’t like the word failure, you have studied you are trying, you care about your partner, .

Maybe you could chat to Bb support line 1300 22 4636

We are listening to you and you are not alone. 

When one is feeling low, one’s mind can distort the reality, we feel hopeless and I ignored the things we are good at and what we have achieved. 

[therising]

Hi Bellatrix_17

My heart goes out to you while I wonder about your nature and why you're suffering so much.

Sounds like you hold the potential to be somewhat of a freedom fighter, who can't tolerate injustice. You also sound naturally wonderful (full of wonder), while wondering why people behave the way they do. You definitely sound like a feeler, sensitive enough to feel so much in life. You're a powerful combo.

I've found, being a gal who's a serious feeler, I can be doing all the right things but with the wrong people. For example, I love feeling the joy that comes with interacting with wonderful people. You can all wonder together for hours about a whole variety of things. There can be a lot of laughter, rage, questioning, revelations etc in a group of wonderful people. Can be a great emotional learning experience. On the other hand, you can be expressing a sense of wonder with someone who doesn't want to wonder. Whether what you're wondering about leads them to feel enraged or depressed and they don't want to feel in such ways or you're in the presence of an arrogant closed minded person who loves to flat out tell you you're wrong, you can definitely feel the shut down around the beginning of a conversation.

Are the jobs you're going for aligned with your passion/s? Do you come across as passionate? While I've been for a number of interviews over the years, can recall one where I all but begged for the job. While initially presenting my resume, it went on to become more like a passionate heartfelt presentation than a job interview. I got the job partly based on my passion. 

Try asking 'What am I failing to do?' or 'What am I failing to see, in the way of reason/s and solution?' and see what naturally comes to mind, without thinking. The mind won't open if it remains closed tight around the belief 'I'm a failure'. With you being an open minded person, you already know nothing can enter through a closed mind. With so many levels of consciousness, it sounds like these challenges you face could be taking you to the next level.

As a mum to 2 legends, (where possible) I'll always be prepared to fund a part of their life that needs funding, based on circumstances. Whether such funds are about physical, mental or soulful support, the support is based on the opportunity money provides.