Losing Faith in Humanity...

[AnotherRandomUser]

I know good people exist, I talk to them all the time. Sometimes will run in to someone kind every now and then and go "wow they were nice!"

But despite this sometimes this dark doubtful feeling says "other people are evil, cruel and cannot be trusted, you're better off without them."

I grew up in terrible abuse. My parents tried to kill me and abused me every day. I was also abused by my siblings. I was bullied in school because I was different. I was bullied by my relatives because my parents had them convinced I was a troublemaker. I got chronically ill and then had to deal with the constant stigma of being disabled and poor my whole life.

Lets just say, my overall experience with other people hasn't been a good one.

Often I try to be hopeful and positive, remind myself of all the kind people I've met. But other times I see just the bad stuff. The uncaring attitude of the general public of those struggling, the lack of help from governments, how rude people have become after Covid, increased online bullying and extremism, and more.

And I feel myself feeling bitter, upset and angry.

I know there are always going to be good and bad people, but lately I guess I've been feeling overwhelmed by the bad. It feels suffocating, like the world has become this big scary place I want nothing to do with.

I admit I have always had trouble feeling trust and connections with other people though, which doesn't help. I've often felt like an alien among humans, even as a young kid. I had trouble making friends growing up, and now I don't really try that much. I've also been housebound on-and-off for 10 years due to illness, so lack much contact to begin with. But even if I could go outside... I don't know if I want to. I feel bitter about talking to people and hearing their hateful words. I feel like I just don't get along with most people because they seem really self-centered and judgmental... and yes Im aware of the irony there. But still.

Im grateful for kind people, but the idea of meeting many unkind people in hopes one isn't, bothers me.

To be honest, my biggest fear has always been other people.

[Sophie_M]

Hi AnotherRandomUser, 

That sounds incredibly difficult, we’re so sorry to hear you’re going through it right now. Please know that the forums and our lovely community are here for you, and it’s really good that you could share this here.  

Please remember you can talk to Blue Knot about this on 1300 657 380, every day between 9-5 (AEST). Their counsellors are experienced in working with people who have experienced complex trauma. They also have some resources on their website which could be useful to visit, particularly the pages on Survivors Self Care. 

The Beyond Blue helpline is here for you as well, on 1300 22 4636, or via our webchat or email here. It can make a real difference having someone to talk to especially in moments of distress.  

Thank you again for your courage and strength in sharing your story. It might take some time for our kind community to spot your post, but we’re sure they will soon be here to offer their support and understanding.   

Kind regards, 

ophie M 

[therising]

Hi AnotherRandomUser

To still be able to see and feel the good in some people, given all the truly horrible things you've faced in your life, speaks to who you are. So many good people on the forums here. So many beautiful, kind and thoughtful people here. I'm so glad you came here.

To live life somewhat asleep at the wheel is relatively easy. It's so much easier to ignore. So much easier to switch off from what we just don't want to feel. To be an ignorant unfeeling person is pretty easy. Just ask all the people who live this way. Some will possibly even say 'It's the only way to live'. Yet for those who are highly conscious and feel so deeply, life can resemble hell on earth at times.

Being a gal who sees and feels so much of what is wrong with this world, I've found I have to be so careful in how I manage that. Living life in such a way becomes about strategy and skill and well exercised intuition. To be able to feel where something's headed helps a lot. For example, you could start a conversation with someone by expressing something you're deeply passionate about before, suddenly, you feel them degrading you and shutting you down. A put down and a shut down definitely have a down feel to them. Straight away this tells you you talking to someone who's a 'downer'. Up to you how you choose to manage a downer. A 'raiser' definitely has a feel to them too. You can feel them open their mind. You can feel them wondering about what you're saying. You can feel their enthusiasm and their genuine interest. You can feel the connection you have with them.

If you have always been a feeler since day one, while living in a largely insensitive world, this may help explain why you've always felt like the odd one out. I've found, in meeting with other sensitive people, those who can easily sense the insanity of this world, the cruelty, the enraging self serving nature of others, the lack of care towards those who need care etc etc, they can all feel it too (those who feel life in the ways I do). And do you know what I say to those who can't feel any of that? 'What happened to you along the way? What led to the loss of your ability to feel so much, so deeply?'.

[AnotherRandomUser]

Thankyou so much for your response, it makes me feel a little better.

Thats a really good idea to test how well you can connect with someone else. I think I will try that and see if it helps.

Yeah thats probably true about being a feeler. I have a great friend I talk to online and we both have similar feelings about the world around us. Though I think they have the same problem as me, they also cut themselves off from the outside world to some extent to avoid the stress of it. Though maybe thats not always a bad thing. Its okay to have space.

Its just there are times where I think about my future and go, am I going to be a shut-in forever because I'm so afraid of whats out there? Is that what I want? Is my fear logical? Am I happier like this? Would I be happier if I went outside my comfort zone?

Its a lot. Especially when a lot of my outings recently have gone so wrong. Creepy cab drivers, rude doctors, getting dirty looks for using a cane, people in waiting rooms telling me they dont care if someone dies of Covid if they dont wear a mask, constant discrimination on the tv programs in the waiting room... it all feels so loud. I know Ive grown sensitive lately because Im not around people much but I just cant believe its like this all the time. Are people really like this?

But maybe Im just seeing people in their worst environment too. The doctors office isnt a happy place, and people are grumpy when busy. But it gets to me. I remember always having this emotion when I was younger too, this constant sense of "why are people so constantly cruel to others?" I get being in a bad mood, I get having a bad day, I get not always knowing boundaries, and being ignorant, but when they do it out of... joy? Ego? I don't understand. Gossiping out of spite, making nasty remarks to get a rise out of me, looking down on me for being poor or disabled, being so indifferent when they know their choices hurt others, making fun of minorities and vulnerable people... its like you said, what happened to those people to make them lose the ability to feel kindness. Its just weird to me.

But perhaps I need to work on my sensitivities too. I cant change other people, and I honestly wouldnt want to. But it would be good to be able to go outside and not feel so overwhelmed. Maybe then I can find the courage to find the people I do connect with.

[therising]

Hi Another

For someone who is sensitive to so much of what's wrong with this world, there are so many triggers. Whether it's a neighbour's constant loud music, people constantly walking in front of us/cutting us off in shopping centres or someone on the other end of the phone who says 'Sorry, I can't help you', a sensitive person feels the truth in a way. The truth is you feel the neighbour not caring about anyone other than themself, you feel people's self entitled attitudes in the shopping centres when it comes to them feeling entitled to walk where ever they wish to and you feel the person on the other end of the line not caring enough to suggest a solution or another avenue.

Born in 1970, I reflect on how much people used to care in a number of ways compared to how little they seem to care nowadays. While I realise a lot has positively changed (esp in the way of human rights), not all has changed for the better. Sometimes I wonder what has happened to self control in this world. Why have so many people lost the ability to self regulate or self discipline? Why have people given themselves so much freedom while taking a sense of freedom away from others, such as the freedom to sit in your own back yard while not having to hear the neighbours get together almost every night for a loud drunk or semi drunk swear-o-thon?

I think in a way that perhaps it's sensitive people who are more conscious in a lot of ways and they can feel the lack of consciousness in others. They can feel the lack of consciousness in a customer who refuses to feel for the checkout operator they're abusing through some arrogant self entitled rant or the lack of consciousness of a government that announces cut backs to mental health care while not considering how that leads those who rely on that funding to feel.

Being sensitive, I try to manage looking for what I wish to feel. I look for and feel people making a positive difference. I look to join groups of people who seek a more zen like life. I look to nature for simplicity and beauty in its many forms. I think a sensitive person must be a seeker in today's world. To seek the diamonds in the rough (of this world) means finding all that shines.