Constant Internal and External Struggles

[DisplayName5742]

Hello,

First time posting here, so I'll apologize now for any mistakes I make.

I'm in a really strange place mentally right now and I'm not 100% sure on how to describe it, but I'll give it a shot. My life has been a up hill battle from getting out of a very toxic household to getting sacked for reasons that are always changing. I've managed to get into Uni (after almost failing the entry test), however every fail hits me really hard to the point where I've felt like giving up many times, kept pushing on. Today on the other hand, after learning I failed an assignment... I'm just staring at the screen. Any activities that usually evoke some sort of emotion out of me just don't, there's just... nothing. I keep trying to tell myself that I can't let this get me down, especially after everything else I've been through. While writing this it seems my emotions have decided to pay a visit, in the form of I just want to cry and scream, while another part of me says doing such things are a sign of weakness and I need to suck it up. A result of my childhood I'm guessing. The latter one always wins, I don't cry often and it's probably hurting me more than I'd like to admit. I always had to be the "strong one" such as when my parents were fighting, even breaking up some fights while my siblings cried in the background, or when people passed away. I always had to function "normally" while everyone else was beside themselves, otherwise things wouldn't get done.

This post is a big mess. I do see a counselor, and that does help, I'm also on medication (which I won't say too much on based on community guidelines) which helps as well, but when something bad hits I get knocked off my feet and it's a horrible feeling. I guess what I'm after more than anything by putting this on here is somewhere to get it all off my chest without being judged (I struggle to keep friends because of my past) and hear about coping strategies people use.

Regards,

Username(insertnumbers)

[DisplayName5742]

Hey SammyB,

It sure can, and without warning. Thanks.

That's possible. Some say is I'm wasting my money, but then others say I don't go around buying a lot of other things so it balances out at the end of the day. Either way I'm not letting go of the car, and one day I'm even going to take it to Show and Shine events so others can appreciate the car and it's story.

My other project is writing a series of short stories, which vary greatly, one of them is even a calendar observing the daily happenings in a medical center. The breathing one is a good one, sometimes I find I've been holding my breath. There isn't really anything else I do. No social life. I do exercise a bit, which I find does help so that's something.

That's true. Hopefully overtime the stigma around mental illness will become a thing of the past and more people can reach out to get the help they need.

I shall continue pushing forward. There's so much I want to be able to do that I won't be able to if I stop! You take care too.

DisplayName5742

[SammyB]

Hey DisplayName5742,

It sounds like someone will always have something to say, but it’s really up to you what you spend your time doing. I’m sure attending car shows would give you the opportunity to meet like minded people and help you build more of a supportive social network? You say you have no social life but is building a social network something that you would like to have?

It’s great to take on independent projects and have your own time to work through your thoughts and feelings but it can also be helpful to have a social group to reach out to, especially to gain an outside perspective on things. And you never know, building these social networks could lead you to opportunities to help with your projects or other things you are wanting to accomplish. With rebuilding cars and writing you clearly have a lot of different skills and I’m sure many people would benefit from all your knowledge . Just a few thoughts. Glad you’re pushing through.

Sammy

[DisplayName5742]

Hello SammyB,

Yeah, there's heaps of people at car shows that all have different ways of doing things, most of them are happy to talk about their cars. A social network is something I back away from as I've been burnt a lot of times in the past from people I once considered friends, which makes me hesitant about building that network again.

I have found having others perspective on things to be helpful. The wide range of skills can be attributed to a wide range of interests, some of which do clash. This did cause a bit of confusion for me growing up as I didn't fit into any one "category" as I was told I should. Eventually I decided that all the crazy different interests was me, I tend to be unpredictable overall so my interests reflect that. Surprising co-workers with my different interests was always interesting. Once I left those work places all contact ceased however. This upcoming Uni semester I have to go on campus for a subject, maybe that's a good opportunity to build a social network.

Just want to say a huge thank you for replying to my posts. I really appreciate it.

DisplayName5742

[SammyB]

Hey DisplayName5742,

It’s fair that you have been reluctant to start up new relationships after having previous one’s fall through, but could this be keeping you from really pushing forward? If we are to be honest with ourselves, there are people who come and go in our lives and accepting this can help ease the harsh reality that we may have to eventually let go of toxic people we once considered to be really good friends. Uni will be a great place to try and jump out of your comfort zone and create networks that are filled with supportive, like minded people. Your range of interests can serve as great conversation starters that can help break the ice when meeting new peers. Even jumping in on another thread here could be another step forward for you. There’s some really great forum topics here that you may be keen to join in on and could see where that takes you! The BB Social Zone for instance looks like a place to have more light-hearted talks and is a chance to say hey to other members. Great to here back from you and I'm happy to listen and offer some support.

Sammy

[DisplayName5742]

Hello SammyB,

Yeah, it's probably not helpful or healthy. That's true, it's a shame there's so many toxic people out there.

It's just a case of starting conversations at Uni without stumbling over my words like crazy. You do make a good point about using my interests as conversation starters. Just having a look at the BB Social Zone while writing this reply, something I'm going to try posting on shortly.

I'll let you know how the Uni socializing goes. Hopefully well.

Great to hear back from you to.

DisplayName5742

[SammyB]

Thanks for checking back in DisplayName5742.

As much as there are toxic people out there, there are also many great people who would appreciate you for who you are, as well as your skills and interests. As for starting conversations at uni, it may take a few seconds of pure courage but even if you do stumble over some words don’t let that get the best of you. It’ll become easier but you have to start somewhere right? It’s like how we talked previously about how to manage unhelpful thoughts and feelings from showing up during high stress situations. You can anticipate how you will feel in these moments but don’t let it define those moments, you are only human and if a couple words get messed up in the process it shouldn’t be counted as a failure.

Congrats on jumping in on the BB Social Zone! I’ll have to check it out for myself, but you are clearly determined to take on new challenges. Go easy on yourself and I’m sure it will go well!

Cheers,

Sammy