Pessimistic

[Err-bear]

Hi, I am feeling down and I am looking for some perspective.

I have been trying to complete a PhD thesis for 6 years now and it is still not done. I have taken 1.5 years in medical leave due to anxiety and depression at various points. The breaks help initially, but afterwards, the thesis is still there and so are my mental health problems. I am completely disinterested in my topic and I find the work to be very intellectually challenging, so working on it is exhausting as a result. I spend most of my time distracted or actively procrastinating. However, I am determined to finish it so that I won't have wasted 6 years of my life, and because it is "nearly done". People keep asking me how much longer it'll take and I honestly don't know. I keep making up deadlines, then half a year blows by and I am still not done. I am pessimistic about ever managing to complete it. It's like I'm waiting for the uni to kick me out so I can evade the blame for my failure.

I work from home and don't "get out much". I moved away from working at the university because I was too anxious to work around people. However, now I am very isolated and out of touch with reality. Whenever I do talk to people I feel like an energy/happiness suck. I don't have anything good to say. Days and nights are blending together. I feel like my life is passing me by...

I have no income since my scholarship is up. I am living on my partners salary. This is lucky for me but very emotionally taxing. We are struggling with a large weight of credit card debts, personal loans and student loans. I need to finish my degree so that I can contribute to paying our debts.

If I could, I'd like to be a competitive athlete. I've been competing in a sport at a high level over the course of my studies. However, I am 31 years old... well past the age of people competing in my sport professionally. I feel like I've missed out and all it will ever be is a hobby...

Overall, I am very fortunate and my "problems" seem silly objectively. I feel selfish for posting this here. But I do think I need help. Any suggestions for me? I try to be kind to myself, eat moderately healthy, practice yoga, meditate (Headspace app), exercise, and have previously seen psychologists, psychiatrists and uni counsellors. I have also taken a few antidepressant drugs. None of them improved anything. Anyways, all of these things just seem like procrastination from my thesis. I'm so pessimistic about ever being happy again.

-Err-bear

[JessF]

Hello Err-bear, this thesis does seem like a millstone around your neck, or perhaps the elephant in the room. Rearranging bits around the edges still leaves it looming, and other problems seem to have compounded around it.

You have certainly been trying to do all the 'healthy' things to combat depression, but I'm wondering whether you're at a point where some quite big decisions need to be made. Often I've found in my life I have been most depressed and helpless when I'm at a point where a big change needs to happen, but I feel either unwilling or unable to make it.

Being disinterested in your topic is certainly a problem. I have known people who have completed PhDs and they are an emotional rollercoaster when you like the topic, let alone when you hate it.

I think it might help you to sort out your worries into three groups: practical needs, your aspirations, and "what other people will think". Things that fit into that last group need to be discarded, as you have no control over what other people will think, and we are not able to mind read anyhow so are often wrong.

Some examples of the last category I can see in your post: abandoning your thesis because you don't want to be seen to have wasted 6 years of your life. How does this thought help you? How are you defining 'waste'? 6 years to find you are in a profession that is not for you is relatively short, when you consider some people spend decades in professions they hate and become incredibly bitter and twisted. I am sure you have learnt many things during the course of writing your thesis so far that will be useful for you ongoing.

Will the thesis be practically helpful for you when complete? You mention financial worries. But if you are becoming qualified in something that drains you to the point of exhaustion, then this problem is not likely to go away post-thesis.

You mention becoming a competitive athlete. You are clearly drawn to your sport, but see a window closing. Is this something you could continue to be involved in through coaching perhaps? What draws you to the sport? Is this where your true passion lies?

I am familiar with the 'life passing by' feeling, and I believe it almsot always stems from a big decision that is being put off. There is a thread on the forums here called "be radical" by a very good poster White knight. If you put "be radical" into the search at the top it will come up. Please have a read through and see what you think.

[Err-bear]

Thanks for the reply JessF 🙂 I will take a look at that thread. I think you are right about a lot of things and it is very confronting for me. I unfortunately think that this is where I am going to get stuck- knowing that giving up might be the right choice, but unwilling to do it. I am simultaneously too cowardly, selfish, proud and stubborn to give up. I am counting on finishing to provide me with a sense of accomplishment and completion, and bolster my self-esteem, regardless of whether I do anything with the degree. It's true I don't want to believe I've wasted my time in a field that I don't want to work in. I'm not about to go back and do more schooling now to become qualified to work as a doctor for instance, even if I found out that was my passion. How do you even find out what your passion is? I've never been anything but a student and I need to make some money now. I guess I will eventually find a mediocre job in a field that doesn't require a degree...It turns out I have a lot of life decisions coming up that are causing me a lot of stress and are on hold for the thesis - kids or no kids? Stay in Aus or move back home (internationally)? Take out time to train for my sport or focus on a 'real' career? I don't have any answers and I guess I'm the only one that can tell me what I want...

-Err-bear

[JessF]

Hello again Err-bear, one of my favourite quotes is the John Lennon one 'life is what happens when you're busy making other plans'. I take that to mean we have to make sure we're enjoying our time on earth while it is happening. Of course we should do our best to figure out our goals and make plans, but what's that other saying about 'the best laid plans'?

Sometimes it can be a case of thinking, what do I need to decide now, and what can wait? Plans to have children and/or move countries will certainly change the landscape or timeline for different things you want to do, but they may also open up other opportunities you haven't thought of yet.

I read another book a little while ago called 'The 4 Hour Work Week' by Tim Ferriss. It has a very provocative title, but it has some very good ideas in it about how you work out what you really want to pursue, and then thinking practically about the financial side of things and how you might achieve it.

If your sport brings you joy, and you have a limited amount of time left in which you can compete at a top level, then I would make time for it. It is not uncommon for people to take years and years to complete a thesis. See if you can chunk it down into small pieces over a couple of years so you can focus on it that way instead of being overwhelmed by the whole project; but give yourself the freedom to change that plan if you need to. Nothing is set in stone.