Constant Internal and External Struggles

[DisplayName5742]

Hello,

First time posting here, so I'll apologize now for any mistakes I make.

I'm in a really strange place mentally right now and I'm not 100% sure on how to describe it, but I'll give it a shot. My life has been a up hill battle from getting out of a very toxic household to getting sacked for reasons that are always changing. I've managed to get into Uni (after almost failing the entry test), however every fail hits me really hard to the point where I've felt like giving up many times, kept pushing on. Today on the other hand, after learning I failed an assignment... I'm just staring at the screen. Any activities that usually evoke some sort of emotion out of me just don't, there's just... nothing. I keep trying to tell myself that I can't let this get me down, especially after everything else I've been through. While writing this it seems my emotions have decided to pay a visit, in the form of I just want to cry and scream, while another part of me says doing such things are a sign of weakness and I need to suck it up. A result of my childhood I'm guessing. The latter one always wins, I don't cry often and it's probably hurting me more than I'd like to admit. I always had to be the "strong one" such as when my parents were fighting, even breaking up some fights while my siblings cried in the background, or when people passed away. I always had to function "normally" while everyone else was beside themselves, otherwise things wouldn't get done.

This post is a big mess. I do see a counselor, and that does help, I'm also on medication (which I won't say too much on based on community guidelines) which helps as well, but when something bad hits I get knocked off my feet and it's a horrible feeling. I guess what I'm after more than anything by putting this on here is somewhere to get it all off my chest without being judged (I struggle to keep friends because of my past) and hear about coping strategies people use.

Regards,

Username(insertnumbers)

[SammyB]

Hi DisplayName5742,

Welcome to the online community. Sorry that you feel like you are in such a strange place at the moment, it sounds like there’s a bunch of thoughts running through your head at the moment and you are just trying to sort them all out. The forum seems to be a safe space for that. From what I can see, despite all the challenges you have faced and continue to face in your life, despite feeling like giving up, you have come out the other side and that’s something to admire about yourself.

It also sounds like you often do not give yourself the opportunity to sit with certain emotions and feelings for fear of appearing weak or needing to remain the “strong one” for others. When you say “when something bad hits I get knocked off my feet and it's a horrible feeling”. What exactly are you feeling in these moments? One place I would suggest starting if this is the case is to let yourself experience these emotions and feelings. It’s ok to cry and scream if you feel the need to. It could often make you feel like a huge weight has been lifted off your shoulders. Coping strategies like journaling or writing out your thoughts (as you are doing now) may be a great release. Does this sound like something that would work for you?

Thanks for sharing!

[DisplayName5742]

Hello SammyB,

Thanks for your reply.

I hardly let myself sit on negative emotions. It's gotten to the point where people just expect it from me. I'll give a little example. As a kid if I even started crying I would be told "that's not like you" and "I thought you were better than that" even though others in the house could cry freely without any comment.

When something bad does happen I'm always torn between wanting to express negative emotions and wanting to keep everything inside for others. When that happens I now get overwhelmed as both wants battle it out which is when this horrible feeling sets in, I should mention this horrible feeling is a relatively recent thing. I don't want to fight myself to express emotions it's exhausting and frustrating. I guess the horrible feeling is knowing I shouldn't fight myself by still do. I hope that makes sense.

Once I sat in a room and said to myself "okay, time to get this all out" and I just sat there thinking about and wanting to grabbing a pillow and screaming into it, but not actually doing it. Writing out my thoughts helped, should try keeping a journal. Thanks for the suggestions.

Something I have been told is to move on from my past, but I don't know how. Once strategy I have been given is to go cloud watching and put all by bad experiences on a cloud then watch them float away. Living within a few kilometers of that house sure doesn't help. I know it would be good for my mental state, but that constant reminder... and it's on a major road and can't avoid it. I'm sorry, well and truly rambling now. Guess my head is still a pinball machine.

Thanks again for the reply.

[SammyB]

Hey DisplayName5742,

No need to apologize, ramble away mate! We are here to listen, and hopefully talking it all out brings you some relief. It sounds like the people around you encourage your tendency to not express emotions you perceive to be negative. This is quite a normal response, as when our own perception of ourselves is confirmed externally by others we tend to hold some comfort or even feel pressured to continue to live out this image, like in your case, living out the need to appear emotionless or strong. Does that make sense?

One thing to think about may be removing the label that some emotions are negative. Sure, some emotions such sadness or anger if not managed could escalate to negative events (i.e. anger turning into extreme outbursts) but if we can teach ourselves to identify our emotions before they escalate to more intense feelings, this could help us with how we manage high-stress situations that may trigger these overwhelming, horrible feelings. One coping strategy I have used before a high stress situation that would previously cause me to experience intense feelings of anxiety, such as writing an exam, is to reflect on how I will feel when in the exam. What negative thoughts may cross my mind? Physically how will I be feeling? And what can I do before, during and after my exam to relieve these intense feelings? For yourself, what are you doing in moments when these horrible feelings come about? Are these situations reminding you of previous stressful experiences (i.e. in your previous home environment)?

Anticipating thoughts and feelings before these situations occur may help to experience them less or even not at all during these moments. Moving on from your past is easier said than done, but strategies like these may be a good place to start to relieve such overwhelming feelings. It sounds like you are on the right track and with your persistence it can get better. Good to hear from you!

[DisplayName5742]

Hello SammyB,

That does make sense. Glad I'm not around those people anymore, just need to break down my emotion barrier now.

Yeah, I guess I need to tell myself that sadness and anger aren't negative as such but healthy and normal, while also being mindful so those emotions don't get out of control. That's a good strategy, recognizing and dealing with the negative thoughts/feelings before the situation occurs. I'll have to give it a shot with exams and an job interview coming up. Thanks! The horrible feelings can come around at random, at least I think it's random. Sometimes I'll just be sitting down reading and I guess a phrase must trigger me. The feeling is definitely a reminder of my previous stressful experiences.

Thanks, my persistence has definitely picked up in the last couple of days and I'm not feeling so overwhelmed. Definitely going to try to strategies you've mentioned, got a few good opportunities to practice them in the near future.

Not sure where to go with this forum for now as I'm feeling a lot better. I guess posting updates is always on option. Looking over the forum I noticed the first post had three people mark it as helpful which does worry me a little. Really hope others aren't going through the same thing, as I know how unpleasant it is, if they are I hope this has been helpful for them.

Good to hear back from you too! Thanks for all your advice, I really appreciate it.

[SammyB]

Hey DisplayName5742,

Happy to hear that you have been able to remove yourself from what seemed like a toxic environment for you.

I was listening to a Ted Talk podcast called ‘Why we choke under pressure—and how to avoid it’ by Sian Leah Beilock. I would suggest giving it a listen (you should be able to find it easily off google) especially if you have exams and a job interview in the near future, in which I wish you all the best! It offers great insight on why people struggle during stressful situations and how to prevent these intense unhelpful thoughts and feelings from showing up.

It’s also great to hear that you are feeling less overwhelmed lately and have found those strategies useful for you. The forums will always be here for you to check in. I’ve found the ‘Staying well’ section to offer great coping strategies other members have found helpful if you ever find yourself having a difficult moment, or need some extra motivation to keep pushing forward.

It is very possible that people reading these posts are going through similar experiences and hopefully they eventually feel safe enough to reach out like you have. That being said, for anyone reading feel free to join the conversation, we’d love to hear from you! We may all be at different parts of our journey but I think that’s what makes the forums so great. I believe there is great value in sharing our stories and experiences with each other and is one reason I felt the need to join this online community. Your story shows how resilient we can be even in those dark moments when it feels like there’s no way out. I really appreciate you sharing and I’m sure others reading do to.

Have a great weekend and I’m sure I’ll see you around!

[DisplayName5742]

Hello again SammyB,

So a update about two months later. Interview didn't lead to a job unfortunately, though I did pass all my university stuff. Working an more job applications, not always easy to stay motivated and upbeat with all the rejections, but I'm trying. Actually found a quote which has really helped me:

"If something doesn't go you way, chalk it up to experience. If you didn't get the job you wanted, it doesn't mean that you have no skills, but that particular opportunity was not a good fit. The world is big and there are lots of opportunities out there. Don't let one rejection - or even many - tell you who you are and drive you into a dark emotional place." Not sure who's quote it is, but it's been acting as a crutch for me on my bad days.

Thank you for the TED talk suggestion, it was what I felt I needed heading into my exams.

Still struggle from time to time, but it's been a lot easier to cope with now compared to when I started this forum. I'm even working on a personal project in my spare time which helps me on the bad days by distracting me. Don't avoid emotions I once viewed as negative nearly as much as I used to even though I do like to distract myself, I'm letting them come and go more instead of bottling them up. Unfortunately years of habit isn't easy to break.

I've re-written the end of this quite a few times, so I'm just going to end with: to anyone reading this who is feeling down, keep going. I know it seems hard right now, but you can do it, I know you can. That fact that you're on here reading forums shows that you're self aware enough to know something's not right, and you've come here seeking help by looking at how others have dealt with similar things. There's a lot of caring people on here who will happily talk to you, so please don't be afraid of making a post.

[SammyB]

Hey DisplayName5742 ,

Wishing you a happy New Year and congrats on passing all your uni stuff!

I think that quote says it all. Sure that interview did not lead you to a job but what can you take a away from that experience? Were you able to manage any unhelpful feelings this time around compared to previous job interviews? I’ve learned to see these types of situations as part of our growth and stepping stones towards where we want to be, rather than roadblocks. However, even when viewing these experiences as learning opportunities, I understand how upsetting it can be to be denied a job position, especially when you’ve put a lot of effort into applying and attending interviews.

Writing on the forums and working on your personal project could be what ignites some inspiration to keep you going and challenge you to break that habit of keeping emotions bottled up. It is so great to see your continued persistence and that you are encouraging others to reach out for support even when you are facing your own challenges. I’m excited to see where your journey takes you and appreciate you checking in!

Cheers😊

[DisplayName5742]

Hey SammyB,

Sorry for the delay in replying, life got crazy busy.

What I took out of that experience is that I can do well in an interview when I'm not stressing out. Yes, I found I was able to manage unhelpful feelings going into the interview better this time around and was able to perform better in the interview as a result, same with my exams.

That's true. One of my personal projects is being subject to me stubborn streak, and I can be very stubborn. For example, I've had quite a bit of my car rebuilt even when facing criticism and constant judgement from people around me for deciding I was going to do so. I liked the car too much to let it go, and with all the work I had already done on it I wasn't about to let it "beat me" as I saw it. Still have the car and still working on it, but it does run now, even with others judging me for having an interest in cars. So, yeah. Can be a little too stubborn I guess, but it seems to work for me in a way, as I would not let anything stop me from fixing that car. Not much room for certain dark thoughts when I'm like that.

While my other project let's me get my emotions out which I've found it's helps me manage my mood spikes. Swapping between the two depending on how I feel seems to be working well.

Knowing how it feels to face these challenges makes me want to encourage others to reach out more. I don't like the idea of others suffering in any way.

Good to hear form you again.

Regards,

DisplayName5742

[SammyB]

Hey DisplayName5742,

Not to worry, life can get pretty hectic! Congrats again on getting through your interview and exams.

So you’ve faced a lot of criticism and constant judgements for something that you love doing and haven't let that stop you, that says a lot about your character. I wouldn’t know where to start with rebuilding a car, but good on you for sticking to it. At the end of the day you can’t please everyone, and you never know, maybe those people are judging you out of pure jealously as they do not have the same courage to take on a project as big as that.

I’m interested to know what your other project is if you’d like to share? Releasing emotions is so important to our self-care and I learned that for me, the best way to do this is to “sweat it out” mostly through running or hiking. And, if I’m not in a place to “sweat it out” like while at work, giving myself a few minutes to stretch, go for a walk, or simply take a moment to sit and just focus on my breath can make a big difference in my mood. Are there any other ways you feel help manage your mood spikes?

I’d have to agree that experiencing some difficult times does make you feel inclined to support others, as it helps develop empathy and awareness that there must be others going through similar situations. I guess that’s why many people join supportive communities like these.

Hope that you continue to push forward. Take care.

Sammy