Hi All,
Two years ago I was hospitalised and Diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes.
At the time, I was 31 and the fittest/healthiest I'd ever been. I swam, danced, gymmed 6 days a week. I counted calories, already had removed most processed sugars from my diet etc. This healthy period of my life came off the back of a very traumatic breakup a couple years prior that I was still struggling with.
So it was a bit of a surprise when suddenly I was diagnosed with an auto-immune condition.
I love food - the first throughts I had while in the hospital were about all the things I couldn't enjoy again. When they told me I'd need to inject myself to stay alive, I broke down completely. I've been afraid of needles my whole life - and I still am.
I've suffered with anxiety, depression and ADHD since I was 8 years old. After being diagnosed, I developed an eating disorder and there were days where I just wouldn't eat so I didn't have to have insulin.
For the first 3 months, my partner had to give me my insulin because the fear of the needle would consume me and I would sit in a catatonic state, holding the needle-pen near my body. I'd eventually fall apart and sob uncontrobbaly for an hour. I ended up seeing a therapist for a bit and was escalated to a really great Diabetes Educator and Dietician.
Throughout the two years of having this disease, I feel like a newer, worse version of myself. I can't exercise without having to make 100 extra decisions and plans to stop a low or stop a high. I can't go to the shops and get groceries - I have to plan to not eat and not have insulin on board as my body is so sensitive, I go low very fast and I end up unable to drive.
I feel trapped and alone. My partner has been here throughout the whole ordeal, but I can see the resentment starting to set in that I haven't improved or gotten better/more accepting of this disease.
Him encouraging me to exercise or eat low carb etc feel like attacks - like I'm not doing enough.
I'm exhausted. I'm so mentally and physically ground down. I obsess over my calories and carb intake, but will then binge eat and send myself skyhigh, followed by a low because I've over-corrected. Yet - even with all of this, I'm 93% time in range and my HBA1C measurement is 6.0% - in the eyes of my specialist I am a "stellar example" of a T1D patient.
Are there others here who feel this way? I barely leave the house. I can't connect with people anymore, and I'm so angry and volatile with no capacity for any other stress.
