A smouldering wreck of an emotional state

[T_dwd]

My every waking hour is plagued by a deep and raging sadness, like an underground wildfire it burns. This insidious hatred weighs on my chest with every breath. The line between an empty, lashed, and black eyed reaction to unfamiliar things and a purely callous soul is blurred by such a sadness, as it makes a clear, rational mind turbid by disturbing an unsettled layer of the atomised and well preserved memory of regrets and pains. And by clouding judgement with emotion, no meaningful assessment of the self is possible until moments of absolute serenity and clarity are possible. Though these moments, by virtue of inviting self-perception, themselves become a debate between the superego and the ego. In a state of constant self-conflict and ever weary from unseen battling, how can I ever hope to have the mental strength to, perhaps, exercise? Or worse: love? Without love, or rather, without being able to show love without the sharp and dubious insult of “pretender” hanging at the back of my mind, even more, how can I conquer my own despicable second self? It is an isolating pain, and the pain is isolation. Perhaps it's a temporary thing, but since it is chiefly the regret of a decades worth of actions, I can scarcely believe in any short term explanation.

[Daydreamer70]

Hi there, 

Thank you for writing in. From reading your post it sounds to me like you are a very deep thinker with a lot of emotions and thoughts being experienced at once. I can relate to this and it can unsettling and overwhelming a lot of the time. It also sounds like you are very self aware, which again i Can relate to. I often feel like I'm in a battle of self conflict, where I see all my flaws but sometimes struggle to change certain things, regardless of how much I want to. I don't have the answers to why we feel this way or how to begin changing it. But I do know that we are not alone in this experience. Often when I speak to other people about how I feel, I find the response a lot of the time is that people feel the same.  We are all humans with our own flaws, and sometimes when we keep these thoughts and worries to ourselves it can become more painful and an increasingly lonely experience. I'm glad you wrote on this forum and hopefully hearing a response can help even just a little bit. 

Feel free to continue to conversation if you like! Where are all here to support each other. 

Kind regards, 

Daydreamer. 

[therising]

Hi T_dwd

I feel for you so much as the torment you speak of challenges you in so many ways. Anyone who can relate to the torturous nature of inner dialogue can relate to how bad it can get at times. 

As a 55yo gal, it took me decades to finally hit on one of the most important questions I've ever come to ask myself, 'What do I wish or need to imagine?'. I can easily imagine Freud's concept of ego, id and superego. I can imagine Jung's concept of soul (something Freud didn't seriously consider). I can imagine we are multi faceted beyond just a few facets. Comprised of various facets, these can include the ones that can make life hellish at times and the facets that can offer a sense of heaven on earth. Perhaps it's simplest to imagine stuff along the lines of quantum physics and we are little more than condensed complex forms of energy in motion or e-motion, with some form of consciousness tied in. There are plenty more concepts to imagine. I find the ultimate question would have to be 'Does what I imagine serve me well?'. Ive found if the answer is 'No', there is no choice but to change it.

It may not serve us to simply imagine the ego and super ego, two facets of self. With a multi faceted nature, could there be the opportunity to fall in love with the philosopher in us or fall in love with daydreamer that leads us to visions beyond this reality? There could be the opportunity to meet with the sage in us. While people can be cruel and degrading at times, what would it mean to be able to tap into the upstanding intolerant part of us that leads us to stand up for ourself? What about the pure analyst that frees us from having to make emotional decisions? What would it mean to imagine there are parts or facets of ourself that we can fall in love with? It would mean there are parts of us that are truly lovable. Of course, there are parts of us that remain highly questionable, those facets that torture us in a whole variety of ways (the saboteur, the harsh and brutal critic, the judge, jury and executioner etc). 

While a multifaceted nature is just one concept to imagine, the key to unlocking the way forward involves the right concept for us personally.