Chameleon/ Butterfly

[Lizbon]

People say these magic words.. It's not her fault she was "depressed" and I didn't know what I was doing...

I know that I was doing things to feel alive. I know that I was having massive highs and lows. I just didn't show anyone.

Seen but not heard.

Smile but be unhappy.

Laugh without knowing why.

cry because I'm happy. LOL get that one.. freakin crazy!

Argue to distract.

Hide to feel safe.

Don't talk to family.

Have no friend only acquaintances.

Love without feeling.

I'm trying to stay positive now. and trying to find the right Dr to treat me. I've seen a few now and I find myself just telling them what they want to hear. I don't know why I do it. I've lied for so many years I can't be open to anyone.

My husband has also turned around and said quit a few time, I don't know who you are, he thought he know me but now he feels he never did. But the bad thing is he has realized that i know him better than he thought.

I play with peoples heads. Give them what they want to hear and I change my personality to suit every occasion. I scare myself with how good I'm at manipulating situations, I'm the chameleon. But also can be a social butterfly.

What I need to do is STOP! Stop being someone, everyone else wants me to be and be myself. Problem... Who it that!

And when I start thinking me, I hate myself.

I do stupid things to remind myself that I'm worthless. That's what I will always be a disappointment, a waste of space. Hurtful to the ones I love the most.

WOW the list goes on and on..

I'm ashamed of my past, and I'm never going to forgive myself for what I've done.

How can one heal, if they know the person standing in the mirror is everything you despise in a person.

How can one stay in the life they have, knowing that they will be trapped in a mind of a hateful person.

[SheWrites]

Hi Lizbon

I'm glad you posted. You must feel so trapped. I can hear that you are in a lot of pain and punishing yourself for things you have said and done. When we're depressed it can be so hard to be kind to ourselves - impossible, really.

Could you think about maybe printing out what you have written here and taking it to your doctor? It might help them to understand just how much pain you are in, and give you a break from feeling like you need to show yourself as something you are not. I think you're brave for trying to get help, and I also think that the voice that talks to you when you look in the mirror is lying.

I hope you write back.

[Lizbon]

Thank you for writing,

That's a great idea. 🙂

It's most properly the first time I've said something that is true. not sugar coated as always. lol well it is sugar coated. Could sound alot worse if I was to opened up lol.

I do feel trapped all the time. But that's my doing.

I haven't found anyone to help me yet. people are just bandaids for me.. lol I just keep falling into the same self loathing and feel empty all the time. I can't let any one close to my throughts I just freak them out.

I know I'm not fixable. I just would like to stop the things I do to feel happy, they are the wrong ways to cope. I almost can say I live a separate life to feel alive. I should be happy at home, I have the perfect husband that loves me to death and two beautiful kids that I'm so proud of. But it just isn't and has never made me happy. for a few hours yes for a day maybe. for months never.. for 27 years of marriage. Ask my husband and he will tell you we have the perfect relationship. a match made in heaven. I only wish that I don't kill hes happiness by say it hasn't been for me.