Not Myself Anymore

[LilKiwiBoi]

So, at the start of Janurary 2018 I started feeling terrible.
I got a massive brain fog, couldn't concentrate and at sometimes felt like I couldn't see.

The range of things I've felt from Janurary to now is almost uncountable.

Its effecting my job as I can't go to work without having a panic attack.

In march all the brain fog and lightheadness went away. I finally started feeling normal again. In fact even now I feel normal.

However I have this overall Numb feeling. Its not like my skins numb or my minds numb, It just feels down to the core that I'm Numb. Like my soul is numb or gone. I just feel empty. When ever I notice this my anxiety skyrockets and sends me straight into a panic attack. (Even writing this is spinning me into a panic attack) The numb never settles or goes away. Is this depression or am I dying?

If I'm in my room alone I notice the numbness fairly often and feel uptight, however when I go to work (I work in a pub) as soon as the counter starts getting full I find myself going completely numb from my head to my toes and start falling into things in order to grab onto reality. I often end up sitting outside then getting sent home early due to my inability to work. The panic attacks end pretty quickly (A minute tops per attack) however I go into insane panic drive and throw myself around i.e running to the bathroom to suck water out of the tap or falling into things.

I've been prescribed meds  however I'm too scared to take the pills. I get panicky thinking about taking them.

This numbness is overall ruining my quality of life, I don't feel like I'm here. I'm just kind of walking through life watching. I'm not suicidal however I am very worried about my wellbeing incase this isn't depression. I've been to several doctors all my results have come back fine. No history of family diease.

My hands tremble from time to time if I'm feeling real anxious (Which is all the time) and it causes me to panic more about what if I'm dying.

I'm coming here in order to try to find some common ground. because when I google this numb feeling or try to tell someone about it they all reroute it back to "Oh is it like emotional numbness?" But Its not emotional numbness, well I don't think anyway. I just feel like my body isn't my own and I panic as soon as I notice it. Should I start taking the medication? I've been to a therapist and it didn't help. I've always been very anxious but I've never felt like this.

This is literally ruining my life.

[Losstt]

Hi there,

Although i personally can't help with the feeling your describing i certainly don't think your dying.

i can totally understand the medication side of things. It took a very long time for me to come to terms with taking some. I would come home and google all about the meds and scare myself from taking them. My Dr knows i do this and tells me to stop but like i just can't.

I don't think i feel any better yet but these things take time ?

I hope you feel better soon ♡