Bullying

[Beebee]

Hi everyone, 

I wanted to reach out Into this forum in the hope of meeting other people that might have been through similar to me or who might actually understand what I’ve been through. 
I was bullied at school (a girls school) which led to anxiety and depression from my teens where I would dread going to school and feel like I didn’t want to live. I had a group of friends that would witness my bullying and would never stand up for me they would always say they wanted to be friends with the people who I felt like tortured me on a daily basis. I then left school and had a partner cheat on me and those same friends told me they all wanted to stay friends with him. That group of friends began to shut me out invite me to parties and not speak to me. Also a video was posted on Facebook of them calling me horrible names. Then at my second year of university one main girl created a Facebook group stating how she wanted us all to be friends and move forward and as soon as I replied they all blanked me! I became really depressed but didn’t realise I was depressed, drinking a lot until I blacked out but just acting as if it was normal because I was young and it was what everyone does. I then moved away to university and I suffered at the hands of girls again, dismissing me or being horrible for no apparent reason and I continued in my depression. During my second year at university those friends that I went travelling and began to move forward also with recent help from a counsellor. 
Then I met my current partner but he was  fully attached to the same group of friends from school that were never there for me more so the boys. Last year two of my partners friends were getting married in which I felt like I had no choice to go to the weddings with him. My partner didn’t take seriously what I have previously been through and I felt like I had no choice. The girl that made the Facebook group whilst at uni was going to be there. The fear in me was real I felt like attending those weddings was causing me PTSD. I was travelling before both and I spent a lot of the time talking about the weddings in which I now realise was complete fear that I was not able to understand or explain. The final wedding was horrific, that girl had basically created a gang of grown adult women against me and I felt completely traumatised leaving on my own. This second experience of bullying as an adult has completely broken me. Has anyone had similar or can understand or relate to my experience?

[Earth Girl]

Hi Beebee, I'm so sorry you got bullied so badly (and still are). It's surprising how these people can still act like this in adulthood. When you say they all blanked you on Facebook when you replied, do you mean they blocked you? Also, I was wondering what exactly it means if something breaks you? A woman I went to Primary school with who I was really mean to when I was in high school (very long story) said that I broke her which I feel really bad about. I don't know what it means exactly, but does it mean that I hurt her so deeply that she will never be able to heal? I wish I knew then what I know now.

I can relate as I was bullied a lot during all my years at school (especially high school and college) and even now I'm getting bullied a lot. I don't know why some people get ganged up on so much, but I think it's because they see us as weak and know we don't have many people on our side so they can get away with bullying us to make themselves feel better somehow? When I was in Primary school, I got pinched, hit and kicked a lot. When I was in high school, since my parents didn't teach me personal hygiene (they almost never washed my clothes when I was little so I thought it was okay to wear dirty clothes for a long time) I smelt a lot and people would bully me so badly. As I walked through the halls at school, people would hold their noses or cough and say things like "she's so gross!" I know how to look after myself now, but I still smell sometimes for some reason. Just when this finally died down, a guy made a rumor that I was a lesbian just because I didn't like him or his friends back (they had a crush on me back then) and when I walked through the halls this time, girls would say things like "Ewe, she looked at me!" even if my head wasn't even facing them. (I know there's nothing wrong with being a lesbian, but it's upsetting when people say things about you that aren't true and you get bullied over something that shouldn't even matter).

Later in college, the bullying actually got worse. I wasn't innocent myself now because I said some mean things about people online (I can't even remember what I said) and a lot of people pretended to be me online as well and said really mean things while pretending to be me and almost nobody believes that people were pretending to be me online. To this day these people are bullying me really badly still even though I stopped being mean to them ages ago and they are being much worse to me than I was to them. People are also trying to get revenge on me just because I grew out of friendships with people (I tried to end the friendships as nicely as I could) but they are still mad and saying the revenge is going to be a million times worse than what I did to them.

When I went to CIT, I could hear students in other classes talking about me and the teachers don't do anything to protect me. There's no point of them all even turning up to class because all they do is talk about me instead of doing their work.

My family also doesn't take the bullying seriously which makes me feel worse.

It's important to remember though not to take bullying personally because this type of thing can happen to most people, not because there is something wrong with them, but usually because they are an easy target. It actually happens to a lot of people who don't fit in for whatever reason so you are not alone and there is nothing wrong with you. I don't know what they get out of this, but at least you're a better person than them. I'm sorry that your husband doesn't take all this bullying you're experiencing seriously. Can you talk to you family about it? I'm glad the counselor was able to help out a lot. Counselors tend to be very good.

[sbella02]

Beebee,

Thank you for reaching out, and I'm glad that you have, because that's really, really awful and nobody should have to go through that. I've experienced bullying to what I would consider a mild degree in my childhood, which was both physical and verbal, and then constant verbal bullying from one friend in particular for a really long time after that until the point when our friendship ended.

I'd also like to extend my compassion for Earth Girl as well, and I'm glad that you've been able to look upon your experience of bullying in such a way that is so incredibly mature and logical, although it must've still hurt immensely. 

Beebee, it sounds to me like you may be lacking a solid support system who understands your experience. While we may have loved ones who can empathise (you definitely deserve to), there is a special kind of bonding that occurs when somebody understands us because they have experienced the same thing. There are support groups that you may be able to join, and counsellors/GPs/psychologists can help to point you in the right direction if this is something you'd be interested in doing.

In a similar way, online friendships from places like Discord can also be really helpful (provided you're being safe and cautious with revealing and receiving personal information) if you're seeking people with similar experiences to bond with, relate to, and receive advice from. 

It is important to remember, as Earth Girl has said, that bullying is not a reflection of you and your qualities. It takes a certain level of resentment, immaturity, and perhaps insecurity for that level of consistent and volatile behaviour to occur. As such, sometimes it's better to ignore this behaviour and remind yourself not to take it personally, no matter how much it tears away at you. I've learnt in these kinds of situations to ignore it even if it's tough, and to not give people the satisfaction of having hurt me, and I've also learnt that confronting the person generally makes things worse, even if you approach them politely and respectfully. 

I would also consider the benefit of discussing the situation more in depth with your partner and explaining how much it has affected you and continues to affect you. Supportive partners can be a really good protective factor for your wellbeing, particularly if you feel like you're being bullied.

Most importantly, we're here for you. Bullying is unfortunately such a common experience, and I hope that you can find a kind of empowerment in the words of people who have experienced it before and have come out the other side with greater strength and insight. Don't hesitate to chat some more, our support is here for you when you need.

Take care, SB

[Beebee]

Hey Earth Girl, 

Thanks so much for reaching out and sharing your experience! I’m am soo very sorry to hear how you are being treated by other people and how this is continuing! I realised after leaving school and college that life can change and in fact removing myself and cutting people off was more powerful than I ever realised! Not everyone will take too kindly to that decision as most people don’t like change and will continue friends because it is much easier even if they are toxic then they will make a decision to better themselves! I cut off all those people after school but they foolishly remained in my social media! Something I have now changed and feel much better about! After counselling i realised much more about bullying but also that making positive changes for yourself is a very powerful thing to do it’s more powerful than settling for negative relationships in life! And now as an adult I see how soo many people just continue to remain. 
I also look back on my childhood bullying in a different way to before as meeting some people as an adult I realise that many kids at school are struggling in other ways and this creates bullying. I feel worse this time and as I mentioned broken because these individuals are now adults and I feel as an adult we should be able to move forward but unfortunately I was extremely triggered and it took me back to a very low place. This weekend I have made some positive changes tho like exercising to clear my mind, pushing myself out of my comfort zone to meet new people that I actually choose and also posting on this forum. I think what have you posted on here is very strong and it shows how you are willing and capable of self reflection and changing your own behaviour but also acknowledging that others behaviour is not acceptable too! I think accountability is a great skill and the fact that you are continuing to face these people is very strong and powerful not many people would be able to do this! I have also tried to use my fears, anger and sadness about bullying as positive to encourage and push me to achieve! If you are able to find a way of meeting other people away from all this negativity maybe from a hobby you enjoy it will be really beneficial for you! We won’t always be accepted by others as we can’t get on with everyone but we can choose who we keep in our lives! Also a lot of people will also feel desperate to fit in especially when they are younger that they won’t speak out and they will follow the crowd! I really do hope you are okay and I really do appreciate you reaching out and sharing your story! Remember to always take care of yourself, and find ways of making you happy! I always used to sing this was my coping mechanism! 

[Beebee]

Heyy SB, 

Thank you soo much for reaching out and offering your support! I can truly agree with your whole comment and it has been soo beneficial and kind and comforting for me! I will take away what advice you have given! I really do appreciate your time! 
I have spoken with my partner this weekend and he is of a better understanding now, as sometimes it very hard to explain because you don’t always fully understand it for yourself! 
My goal is to not provide the space in my brain for these people who will forever treat others the same and never grow or learn! 

Thanks again I really appreciate it! Take care of yourself too x

[Earth Girl]

Thanks Beebee! I agree, it's definitely better to cut people off if they are hurting you and removing them from your social media too. Another reason why it can be hard to do this is because in order to cut someone off, you have to tell them that you are or even if you just stop talking to them and block them on social media, you'll probably have to talk to them about it anyway because they will probably ask you about it, but it's still for the best! It's also better to be alone than be with people who make you feel alone, especially since you can make new friends even if it is hard.

I also agree that when people are young, they often bully other people if they are going through a hard time themselves, but as you get older, you need to work on yourself to get more mature and learn that bullying other people is not the way to go to make yourself feel better especially since it's making other people feel worse. I'm going to be 30 this year so I'm glad I'm getting a lot better at taking accountability. I use to really struggle with this to the point where I was actually quite narcissistic, but I'm learning what it truly means to take accountability in the first place which has helped a lot. 

It's great that you are using the bullying you receive as a way to grow stronger and learn! I'm going to do the same so then, at least something positive can come out of it!

I was wondering if you could give me some ideas as to where I can meet people? I don't go to school anymore. I studied for 4 years and didn't manage to make any friends.

I spoke to one of the women I was friends with last night about what I thought was going on and she said she didn't know what I was talking about and was confused as to why I thought she was trying to get revenge on me so it turns out she at least isn't and the other two may not be either. I feel more relaxed now after having talked it through.

I love singing as a strategy too! I sing a lot in the shower. 🙂

I hope you can enjoy yourself a lot more now that you are no longer friends with those people and you make amazing new friends!

[Beebee]

Bullying is really hard, because it’s hard to understand when it’s happening to you especially if it start from a young age. Also then it makes you feel low self esteem and also a fear everytime you meet other people. I would also worry they would treat me the same way and in some instances I have only been accepted by people once they knew I had been bullied before, this is also horrible. I do also think that bullying can create negatives to come out in yourself from what you were saying about being narcissistic I wonder if this is a protection or coping mechanism. I have noticed that I would sometimes brag or feel soo uncomfortable I would exaggerate especially if I was around the people that bullied me, I think this was a copy mechanism to help me feel better or stronger then them. I personally think the strongest thing I’ve ever done is admit everything to myself and then seek help, because at least I am bettering myself and accepting change the people who continue to bully are stuck in a negative cycle that doesn’t look like it will ever change! 
In terms of making friends it has been difficult but I have really pushed myself to meet people, there is apps like bumble friends you can go on to meet people, or I have figured out hobbies that I enjoy and met people that way. I do feel like if you find something that you enjoy yourself meeting people through joining a group is easier, best of both worlds. I think you’ve done really well and you’ve overcome a lot more than what you probably realise and this makes you a very strong person. 

i hope you are okay and I wish you all the best with moving forward! And thanks again for reaching out to me it has really helped me to be able to talk to someone else that understands! Take care of yourself and always be kind to yourself 

[Earth Girl]

Yeah, I do think that being narcissistic could be like a protection or coping mechanism. I felt really attacked by lots of other girls who weren't even doing anything to me just because I didn't think I was good enough and I was really competitive.

I can see how you trying to act like you were better than other people could have made you feel more comfortable, especially since you probably actually saw them as better than you.

I'm proud of us too for bettering ourselves so we don't just do what our bullies continue to do. It hurts getting bullied a lot, even when you and these people are adults, but at least you're the bigger person and we don't stoop down to their level anymore, where as they are often stooping really low.

Joining an app and/or hobby groups that I would enjoy sounds like a good way to meet people. I've never used one of those apps before, but it sounds like fun.

Thank you too Beebee! I'm glad I could help. You made me feel a lot better too! 🙂

Be kind to yourself too and know you are a lot stronger than your bullies!

[sbella02]

Beebee,

I admire the courage in your response. It takes great strength to ignore bullying and intentional mistreatment, and to make this a goal is already a great step. 

I agree that sometimes it can be so difficult to understand some situations unless you've had personal experience with them, but I'm glad to hear that your partner has a better understanding of your experience now!

Earth Girl, in terms of meeting new people, I have a few suggestions from my experiences. Part-time work (if applicable), joining hobby groups as you've mentioned, sporting groups or clubs, even making friends online in a safe and cautious way. 

Hope this helps!

[Earth Girl]

Thanks sbella02! Those are great ideas. I'm still trying to get a part time job, but I'm sure it will happen one day. I'm going to try making friends online soon as well. 🙂