Heart-wracking Loss / Shadowlands

[Keats]

Greetings to fellow anonymous web-dwellers,

I am a 35-y.o. who has suffered from Social Anxiety, Depression, and OCD since adolescence. I lost all my friends around 20 due to shame, embarrassment and stigma, as I withdrew from the world. I thought that they would be better off without me - I didn't want to be a burden. However, looking back my friends were never very supportive, nor very emotionally dependable - it was never the deep and meaningful friendship I have yearned for all my life.

Years of fruitless therapy later, I dropped out of my final semester of university, even though my marks were excellent, due to overwhelming anxiety and depression. I was brave, and I tried my best to make friends, but my university experience was lonely and alienating. Again, I withdrew from society. I soothed myself by watching television compulsively - the vicarious illusion of company which helped the empty years drift by. Isolated, my heart became numb, insensate to either profound depths or exalted highs - I suffered, I was alone, but I did not feel the intense pain, the pain that is so excruciating one thinks only sleep or death can offer relief, that afflicts me now. I have not had a single friend since I was 20, loneliness being my constant and ever-present companion.

However, in very awkward and unfortunate circumstances, I recently met someone who I thought became my friend - a true friend. I proceeded very slowly at first, and with caution, ever having to overcome my anxiety to speak with her little by little. We didn't see eachother very often at first. Later, unique circumstances caused us to spend a lot of time together, talking and getting to know eachother. Early on, she cried in front of me, and I attempted to console her. Of course, I hid my mental illness from her - I wore my dissembling mask. It seemed we were kindred spirits with a lot surprisingly in common: both interests and personality traits - both perfectionists and people-pleasers - with similar struggles and adversities. We had both suffered in life. However, she was not at all shy - just an anxious person. If ever I found a perfect friend, it was her. One day she confided in me a very deep, and sad trauma which she still continues to struggle with - resulting in suicidal ideation and profound sorrow. At that moment I began to love and care for her deeply. We grew closer and closer, and I tried to help her with her struggles as best I could, and with my experience. I was often rebuffed for trying to help her - she placed boundaries which I respected.

As we grew close, I began to feel the pain and sorrow I described above. The thought of never seeing her again tore at my soul. I couldn't imagine life without her in it. I summoned the courage and asked her cautiously, 'Are we friends?' 'Yes, of course', she replied. Prior to that I often asked her whether she actually liked me, out of insecurity. She affirmed she did. The pain throbbed in my chest - it was unbearable. I decided to disclose to her my sad story, and emphasised that after hearing it she was not obliged to remain my friend. 'I am your friend', she replied, 'We are friends'. A week passed, and the reason for I cannot say, but she betrayed me. She renounced our friendship, and my world reeled. I was angry and upset at her deception - her callous cruelty. I could no longer bear to see her; we have parted, and we will never see eachother again.

I am in a world of hurt. I cannot stop my tears from flowing. Life is empty and meaningless without her. The thought that I will never hear her voice again, see her face, her smile, her bright eyes is unbearable. I do not know how to cope; everything reminds me of her. I loved her as a friend with all my heart, but as best as I can I cannot remove the memory of her from my mind - dislodge the place I made for her in my heart. I don't know how to deal with the heart-wracking pain of her loss. I am in despair; I am all alone, again!

Sincere gratitude to anyone who reads this - apologies for the literary quality (I studied literature at uni!).

Yours sincerely.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Keats,

Welcome to the Forums! Thank you for taking the time to share what has been happening for you. Making friends as an adult can be no small feat, especially for those of us with social anxiety. We're sorry to hear that it has not turned out the way that you had hoped but want to also acknowledge the incredible courage it took to open up to someone. 

You have an incredible writing style and way with words. Is writing something that you do often? It can be a great way to make sense of our thoughts. 

As it has been some time now, is there anything that has helped you get through the last few days? 

We wanted to let you know that is something you could discuss with the counsellors here at Beyond Blue, whether on the phone (1300 22 4636) or via webchat: https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support 

Thank you once again for sharing and please feel very welcome to provide us with any updates to let us all know how you are going.

Kind regards
Sophie M