BPD person who needs a friend with knowledge of BPD

[Pandora_Paradoxical]

Hi, I am a 39 year old woman who has undiagnosed (but definitely) BPD and I have just ruined another online relationship with somebody because I couldn't handle yet another burst of emotional dysregulation.

I have tried to undo the damage with all my heart, but my friend is not responding (and probably rightly so) so now I am spiralling along the path of yet another rejection (but also knowing that it was self inflicted, of course) and am back to being crushingly lonely and craving connection with another human being.

I prefer online contact now because it means I can't 'mirror' the other person like I do in a physical meet-up, which means I allow my 'true self' to shine through, although it has lead me to interpret written words in the wrong manner and was the main cause of the last disaster.

So, how does a person with BPD find friends?

I am aware that I have many qualities and gifts to offer as a friend, but when I have a BPD episode (even if I have informed the other person that I have it and what it is) my friends are often horrified and unable to reconcile the 'me' they thought they knew and the emotionally crashing mess in front of them. Enter awkwardness, enter apologies, enter....rejection. And I didn't mean to do it, not one bit. I just get overwhelmed, trapped in a vicious cycle of self doubt, needing constant relationship status reassurance and wondering whether I am good enough for the other person.

Actually, after the storm passes and I have purged, I have more clarity and better resiliance to the matter at hand...but unfortunately, the other person has usually already bailed. Also, ironically, this does NOT happen on any other level in my life - it is ONLY when I have a close interpersonal relationship with someone that I like. If the other person is abusive or violent or aggressive....I am cool, calm and collected, with all the right responses and an incredible amount of tolerance. I don't understand it, but that's the way it is. It also means I am at risk for seeking out such terrible people because it is the only time I feel in control. Thankfully, my rational mind knows that is bad news and I steer clear.

But where to from here? If I can't deal with liking someone (or they like me) and I can't be around people who are, well, nasty - what is left? How am I supposed to stop being lonely if I can't connect to someone? Anyone?

Do I look for people who have BPD? Will it mean that we will be more understanding of each other or will we feed off each others fear of ultimate rejection?

Do I look for people who have experienced another person with BPD and hope that they can understand me?

Or do I have meaningless, casual relationships that never go beyond generalised chit chat?

Any advice is welcome. I am floundering, exhausted, embarressingly desperate for a connection of some kind but also scared to involve another because I am well-aware of my capacity to hurt and confuse them with my outbursts and this is by far the worst torment I suffer - my negative impact on others (on occasion).

My attempts to control my behaviour with self-help books and research has clearly failed, so I am currently looking for a BPD therapist in my area.

Thank you.

[Guest_1584]

ps , yeah you are right she usually was a beautiful person too on her good sides , gorgeous and incredibly kind and thoughtful , offering , classic wit and humor too we'd have more laughs on average days than many would in years , So yeah , it was all that l lived for with us and they'd last a week , 2 , even 3 sometimes . She was never like constantly narky and poking , that usually came with her build up stage.

l am thinking about the letter and thx for that too k , but l'm not sure. l've sent them at other times , she has done things too , but not letters first , replying no prob but not actually going out on a limb and sending something first. Sol'm not sure , maybe it's time she did.

rx

[Pandora_Paradoxical]

Sorry, mate, the second half of my reply didn't publish! Anyway, here it is:

I decided to leave my husband after a series of very serious monetary and health disasters that just never seemed to end. It was like we were cursed or something, with every effort we put in, we seemed to go further and further backwards. He had experienced a mental breakdown from the stress, so after I nursed him through that, I told him I was done. I said, at the time, that it was because he never had our family as his true interest, that he lacked inner fortitude, was weak and never saw fit to defend me as his wife. I wince now, as I write this, because I now know that he HAD been the strong one - he had survived 17 years of incredible unpredictability and volatility and hadn't ever even threatened to leave. Not once. I also know that I was at least partly to blame for his breakdown as coping with me on a daily basis didn't leave him with much left to defend himself from work bullies.

After I left him, 2 years later, I thought I would try another relationship. To my surprise, my first explosion with that person was met with a very angry and emotional reaction and the man stopped contacting me.
I was hurt and surprised. What did I do wrong? Couldn't he see that I was just trying to communicate how I felt? Why didn't he forgive me? I was devastated. I even had a purely sexual hook up after that as a form of punishment to myself. I was clearly not deserving of proper love.

It took me another 3 years before I would try again and that was only because I was going through a manic episode. It was another hook up and then I met a guy online that I really liked, who had a lot of baggage.

So, I was gave him 150% of myself in the first 5 minutes we knew each other and continued to show every charming, intelligent, caring and thoughtful side of myself because I had decided he was the one I wanted to be with.

[Guest_1584]

Hiya k , great minds haha, l couldn't sleep last night so only just come in now too to take a look around.

Yeah , l figured all that with your h , to a T , tbh . l couldn't read the whole thread here l can't read too much but l did saw somewhere or something that you left him after 17 yrs and yeah l straight away thought all of exactly what you've just described . l don't think bpd people have any idea what their crap takes out of a partner mentally and emotionally.

No surprises in what you describe with the other guy blowing up or disappearing either l'm afraid been there done that. Probably another thing l've always thought gives ex her abandonment thing worse with me . Probably because her ex quietly took her crap for so long, she seemed absolutely dumbfounded day 1 , that l wouldn't and gave her a dose of her own medicine back . Then l disappeared for a few days , let her think about it and cool off myself too. l knew she wasn't right a day after we met , she threw a mental no woman would throw so soon they're on best behavior at that stage but when she lost it , for me it was just like l don't care how unstable she is be damned if l was gonna put up being treated like that. She just couldn't work it out or understand, , someone wasn't taking her crap and wasn't gonna bother trying to understand her bs. It probably wasn't right to lose it like that but with crap she spewed and at a time like that well , yaknow , l mean she not the only one that can get very pissed off and in bad shape after divorce , l was too .

Even this time, when she eventually drove me away after 6 wks , again , l could feel 4yrs later she was still just dumbfounded . We were messaging and she also just still hung around on the app for another 10 days after , and called a few times , 3wks ago now , but l know she's still dumbfounded and still expecting me to come good .

Don't think l can this time though. l know she's real-ling now to though that she's pushed me too far this time , again , but l don't think l wanna go there again now anymore.

[Pandora_Paradoxical]

The final bit of my blurb....

Fast forward several weeks and my frustration levels were HUGE - he was a naturally reserved person with none of my joyful exuberance and was also not overly open with sharing his emotional inner thoughts.

I immediately thought he was rejecting me (it never occured to me that it was just his personality type) so I had an episode. I sent him a torrent of gibberish trying to explain the hurt inside my heart that he had no idea existed, I attacked every part of myself as being the root cause of his reticence, I cried at my perceived rejection - THE WORKS.

Ugh, it is so embarressing writing this, you have no idea!! ????

He, of course, was flummoxed. How the hell did I go from perfectly rational and understanding to...THAT??!! I talked my way out of that one, but 2 weeks later I did it again....and again 2 weeks after that. By this time he thought I was nuts and stopped communicating.

I waited until I was calm again and sent an explanation text. He wrote back that he understood and was not angry at me but I was too unstable for him. And that was it. He was gone.

And rightly so, I might add.

He had the strength to stand up to something that was not right for him and acted decisively. It was the massive kick up the arse I needed desperately...so here I am. ?

I will not even think about pursuing another relationship until I get this behaviour under control. It is not fair on the other person and is emotionally exhausting for me. That's the point you have to get to if you have BPD - just about as low as you can go with no one but yourself to bail you out. It is only by getting to this point that you realise that you have to change to have any sort of hope for happiness.

K xxxxx

[Guest_1584]

l son't know if it's typical bpd'ish but it wasn't so much the crazy talk or straight out blunt insults , l know who l am always have so on that part though it was more the fact that if she meant those things then l'm not wasting my time on a woman that thinks that way.

But what really pissed me off and l just found totally mind boggling , was the arrogance and viciousness when she'd go off, never met anyone with that kind of arrogance and so vicious. But she was gorgeous when she wasn't going off.

[Guest_1584]

l think if not for that angle l'd probably wouldn't have ever lost it with her probably more so just left her to it walk off shaking my head or something. But to be going off and in the way she did and sayin the stuff she did just a day after meeting me and not even knowing me , was too much.

l saw things first day actually , but l also saw so much good , and truly a love at first sight. But even first day some things l saw l knew could be serious and when she went off her nut just the very next day she also sent me an email , l knew nothing about bpd then or anything much about mental illness , but this was one scary email and so l showed it to a friend who's a professor and he just said holy hell , l think you better run away right now from this one my friend . lt wasn't his field but he had interests in all kinds of stuff too and turned out he knew a lot about prsonality disorders too and told me all kinds of stuff about the email.

[Guest_1584]

Haaaa no worries k girl , blurbs are good , there's always lots of info in blurbs between the gibber haha. Not that that was gibber but l mean when anyone really gibbers there's always stuff between the lines , yaknow.

But nah , that kind of personality won't feel ya , and fair enough l guess. lt still just amazes me that you can see yourself . honestly , even if ex can see herself which l very much doubt going on stuff she says , she sure hides it very very well so that even l can't tell. But on the surface , she would never ever no way admit to anything or any substance. BUt it was also things she's just say even in just talking normally that would constantly show that she just had zero perception of anything she did in those ways or of her part in any of it.

She would though proudly stake a few claims on tiny tiny things and pretty well thought she'd done her bit at that haha. Eevn they felt like Christmas though to be honest no matter how small it was always great to see her at least humble down just that tiny bit and show at least some self reflecting.

Funny you talk about joy ,she was just gorgeous on her happy days and we'd just explode in fun and filth and convo haha 24/7 . We were identical in those ways .

l better shut up or l'll start remebering good times and weaken

[Guest_1584]

Sorry k , speakin of blurb , l'll go stand in the corner after this and shut up , promises.

l was thinking at work this morng , l've said so much , makes her look so bad . but she had incredible other sides too , and depth , soul most couldn't even fathom, and courage , my God never met anyone with such courage especially considering her height. And she did and offered to do some amazing things for us like travel cross the world, move cross the world , has been loyal 100% to me since we met , even while we weren't together 13mths of that , she said simply , no one else comes close, she wasn't the sort to have affairs or ons or hook ups with just anyone but there was no doubt of her love , even with her other side, because things she'd say simply just did not add up , beside all those things.

Maybe if someone very very very special came along she might've started something new while we were apart , but for her that'd be a long long search given the person she was , although absolutely gorgeous looking, def' not most mens cup of tea non the less, some did try though mainly through work. She work on the airlines , dealt with 100s of people a day from all over the world, she was also a pilot and very very smart but she didn't like that and moved on to just supervising and things.She coped with work because she worked two day shifts and then 3 days off and all over the world, and never worked with the same crews twice and if it was the same place it would be 6mths apart.

It's many big things like this that she'd done and been for us that often made me wonder just what if l wasn't so hold back about her , what if l did just go for it like she always wanted. l mean it was an insult not too considering , but l had to be careful with her she just had too many issues aside .

But l have wondered a 1000 times , do you think she might've settled down if l had've just gone for it the way she was always willing too , ?

Maybe her turns were frustration and pride that l hadn't , yet as she said here was this gorgeous girl who loved me to bit offering to do all this for me. l'v got no doubt some of it would still be there , but it might've maybe mad a huge difference , especially with her abandonment fears .

This last time , l told her l'd been seeing someone new but she had to move back up home with legal stuff at least for now, she couldn't believe l could start seeing someone else , but we weren't together . Out of space

[Pandora_Paradoxical]

Dear Rx,

It sounds like you have done the right thing, buddy. No amount of good times are worth the aggravation of constant fighting.

I think the only type of BPD person who should be looking for a relationship is one who is either seeking to address their problem or HAS addressed the problem.

To do otherwise is selfish (in my opinion only, of course) because it will be inevitable that both of you will be unhappy.

But, as I mentioned before, not everyone can see it.

I have always seen patterns in behaviour, even at a young age, so I think this is why I knew something wasn't right. It is a blessing and also a curse - to know and understand, but still fall victim to an episode because I have allowed myself to become overwhelmed emotionally always leaves me feeling like a failure.

But I am also dedicated to working it out, whatever the cost, so I pick myself up again and try harder.

Nice talking with you, Rx. 😊

Now that you have experienced BPD-type behaviour first hand, you now know what to watch for and I hope, through our dialogue, you understand some of the reasons behind the behaviour.

We are just trapped, lost and unloved children in adult bodies.

Kindest regards,

Kar-Lee xxxx

[Guest_1584]

We knew we'd always be together though , probably forever , even if we weren't together so me seeing someone else was yet another in her eyes still a betrayal . She was ok at first but that also built up over the next few wks.

Unbeknown to me , l could still feel her and l had a lot of emotional stuff even being with someone else , but l thought we would be done this time and she was the one ended it . But she planned coming over and knocking on my door , thank God she didn't , it might've been very bad timing yet she would've come cross the world to do it..

She dumped us from fear she told me when we reconnected, feeling l wasn;t behind us but yet here she was willing to move cross the world , so yet more hold back and these things always came up every time she went off. Things from years ago or yesterday, yaknow. Said l was never steady about us and l wasn't , but because of her thing.

Butttt, l wonder many many times just what if l was , would it really have made a difference to her other side ? It seemed she could always poke the bear about pretty well anything and always find a reason to boil over , butttt, what if ?