BPD person who needs a friend with knowledge of BPD

[Pandora_Paradoxical]

Hi, I am a 39 year old woman who has undiagnosed (but definitely) BPD and I have just ruined another online relationship with somebody because I couldn't handle yet another burst of emotional dysregulation.

I have tried to undo the damage with all my heart, but my friend is not responding (and probably rightly so) so now I am spiralling along the path of yet another rejection (but also knowing that it was self inflicted, of course) and am back to being crushingly lonely and craving connection with another human being.

I prefer online contact now because it means I can't 'mirror' the other person like I do in a physical meet-up, which means I allow my 'true self' to shine through, although it has lead me to interpret written words in the wrong manner and was the main cause of the last disaster.

So, how does a person with BPD find friends?

I am aware that I have many qualities and gifts to offer as a friend, but when I have a BPD episode (even if I have informed the other person that I have it and what it is) my friends are often horrified and unable to reconcile the 'me' they thought they knew and the emotionally crashing mess in front of them. Enter awkwardness, enter apologies, enter....rejection. And I didn't mean to do it, not one bit. I just get overwhelmed, trapped in a vicious cycle of self doubt, needing constant relationship status reassurance and wondering whether I am good enough for the other person.

Actually, after the storm passes and I have purged, I have more clarity and better resiliance to the matter at hand...but unfortunately, the other person has usually already bailed. Also, ironically, this does NOT happen on any other level in my life - it is ONLY when I have a close interpersonal relationship with someone that I like. If the other person is abusive or violent or aggressive....I am cool, calm and collected, with all the right responses and an incredible amount of tolerance. I don't understand it, but that's the way it is. It also means I am at risk for seeking out such terrible people because it is the only time I feel in control. Thankfully, my rational mind knows that is bad news and I steer clear.

But where to from here? If I can't deal with liking someone (or they like me) and I can't be around people who are, well, nasty - what is left? How am I supposed to stop being lonely if I can't connect to someone? Anyone?

Do I look for people who have BPD? Will it mean that we will be more understanding of each other or will we feed off each others fear of ultimate rejection?

Do I look for people who have experienced another person with BPD and hope that they can understand me?

Or do I have meaningless, casual relationships that never go beyond generalised chit chat?

Any advice is welcome. I am floundering, exhausted, embarressingly desperate for a connection of some kind but also scared to involve another because I am well-aware of my capacity to hurt and confuse them with my outbursts and this is by far the worst torment I suffer - my negative impact on others (on occasion).

My attempts to control my behaviour with self-help books and research has clearly failed, so I am currently looking for a BPD therapist in my area.

Thank you.

[Guest_1584]

Sorry k , that last post was done before yours but must have came in after it.

Thank you very much for your insight and time and help, very appreciated and yeah , l think your right.

l admire the hell out of you btw in fighting your demons and bettering yourself , seeing yourself and awareness and l know with those strengths you can improve and be happier, so please hang in there and keep the faith hey.

Big hug, rx

[Pandora_Paradoxical]

Thanks very much, Rx. I'm trying my best. 😊

Good luck with everything in the future.

K xxxxx

[Deckt]

Hey K,

Just checking in to see how you're doing? I'm getting through the days, but man, they can be long.

All the best,

L

[Pandora_Paradoxical]

Err...I was just about to write a welfare check note to you before I went to bed!! 🤣

There's that weird synchronicity thing again!!

Yeah, I'm ok. Just throwing myself into work and keeping my life as stable as possible. One of my biggest fears (being homeless after my boys move out to find jobs etc which leaves me unable to afford to rent by myself) has been put to rest today - I asked whether my bosses would consider allowing me to live in a shipping container on their second property and they said yes!! (spontaneously break-dances!!)

I have also chosen to accept the 'void' in my life- it's not great (like a missing hand or a stutter) but it is part of me, so I will work with it instead of against it. Giving myself achievable goals (like having my own little place to live in) will work towards patching that emptiness and it has given me a nice dose of motivation. 😊

I hope you are well and more settled too. You've been through a rough trot, but I think that you will be stronger and wiser for it.

What's next for you?

K xxxxxx

[Deckt]

Hey K,

Throwing yourself into work sounds like a great idea. I know that I sure need something I can throw myself into.

Honestly, I'm not doing so great. I am worried sick about my ex. I've heard nothing from her in almost three weeks, which is unusual. She's not been on social media, and I've just seen today that she's lost her job. I don't know if she's in hospital, in jail, or dead. Or am I just overreacting, and reading things where they shouldn't be read? The logical part of me says that I just need to let her go. If she's off having a great time, and living her best life, I'd feel ok with that. I feel shitty that maybe she's down in a hole somewhere, and I should be there helping her, and I'm not.

Don't know what I should do.

[Pandora_Paradoxical]

Dear L,

Is there some way you can find out if she is ok, covertly?

Do you have mutual friends who may be able to check up on her so that you at least know she is safe, without engaging in a conversation with her yourself?

It would put your mind at ease, at least.

Otherwise, it may be that she wants to go underground for a bit. The break up and now a job loss will be hard on her - she may just be stepping back to process everything.

Whatever she has chosen to do, she has done so of her own volition. You may still love her but you are no longer responsible for her, so try not to burden yourself with guilt. We all have the freedom to make choices, she should be encouraged to choose for herself. 😊

K xxxxx

[Deckt]

Good advice, as always, K.

Part of the problem is that she doesn't have friends, let alone us having mutual friends. She's living with her mum, as far as I know. Her mum.... that's a whole other thing. We've gotten on well in the past, but she swings like a weather-vane, and has a history of lying and stirring up trouble. Histrionic PD is very likely... not a huge surprise that my ex has BPD. Her mum does things that she thinks are "helpful"... but really things that draw attention to herself. Example... last year, when we were having trouble, I was chatting with her mum, and took her to church. Afterwards, we had a coffee with two of her mum's friends. Later, her mum was telling my ex that I was "flirting" with one of her friends, and that she was all over me, and invited me to a party. All complete bullshit. Her mum thought it would be "helpful" to make her daughter jealous, and value me more. Is that just nuts, or is it just me??

I know deep down that there's nothing I can do, but wait. Everyone tells me just to move on and date someone else. I can't do that to someone else. I need to be well myself, and I don't know how to take care of myself when I'm not taking care of someone else. Plus I'm trying to quit smoking and that's just... blerg.

Thanks K. You're a true gem.

[Pandora_Paradoxical]

Dear L,

The mother sounds delightful...no wonder the poor girl has issues!! 😱

This could also possibly be the reason that your ex is an alcoholic - as I mentioned previously, numbing oneself is a form of escapism, so perhaps she does it to cope with the realities of her situation. It also explains her reluctance to give up on the habit, it's probably the only thing in her life she controls independantly. 😔

L, your admission that you are not happy unless you are helping someone sounds like...co-dependancy. Please forgive me for being brutally honest, but honest I am to a fault. This is not a healthy personality trait, it means that you exclusively rely on others to validate your self worth...just like a BPD person does, sadly.

Helping people should always come secondary to helping yourself: think about the in-flight emergency instructions on a plane - it clearly states that you apply your own oxygen mask BEFORE you attempt to help others with theirs.

Otherwise, you are both compromised.

It is not selfishness, it is logical. You cannot expect to be able to support others if you cannot support yourself.

I think this is could also possibly be a coping mechanism for you as well.

Your future is being controlled by your chronic medical condition, one that is unpredictable in its behaviour and you are at its mercy, regardless of what you do.

Helping others would give you some measure of control - you put effort in and you get an actual result, mostly positive ones, hopefully. I can now see why you were so frustrated when all of the effort you put into your ex yielded poor results.

Take this time to sort yourself out first, L. You have to get to a place where you have acceptance of who you are as a person and the circumstances in which you live your life before you can effectively help others.

I will explain further in the next message, I have probably reached my word limit. 😏

K xxx

[Pandora_Paradoxical]

Dear L,

Continuing on from the previous message...

I am only stating these facts (as I see them, anyway) to demonstrate that both you and your ex need to take some time out for yourselves (as individuals) to sort ourlt your own issues before you can establish a healthy relationship with another person.

I agree that you shouldn't just jump to the next girlfriend, as suggested by others, because there are lessons to be learned from this current situation and it may take a little time to understand them.

You need to discover what makes YOU happy, what goals and achievements YOU want to set for yourself, discover your OWN value as an independant person in your own right. And your ex needs to do the same thing.

Give yourself some time for your own self development and try not to constantly ruminate about your ex. She has a plethora of options out there and she must be allowed to make her own decisions...even if they aren't ideal.

Use that massive heart of yours for a little self care. 😊

K xxxxx

[Deckt]

Hey K,

I've often felt a bit co-dependant. Goes hand in hand with my rescuer complex. But it's not always a bad thing. Or maybe it is... example - I like to cook, and I'm pretty good at it. But I find cooking just for myself to be incredibly depressing. I do thrive on validation... probably stems from my childhood stuff.

Her mum is a nightmare. But she's also the only person to stick around. Even her sisters won't talk to her. I have suspected for a long time that her mum actually thrives on her daughter's dysfunction, because it makes her feel important. I could be deceiving myself, but I think I'm a bit different, in that I don't need or want her to be dysfunctional. I want to help her to be the best version of herself, even if that's without me. If I thought she was off, living her best life, I could come to terms with that. I'm just afraid that she's miserable, and doesn't know that I would still help her, that all she had to do was ask.

Either way, I can at least justify my actions to myself. Or, more correctly, my inaction.