BPD issues or poor behaviour by a friend?

[Curleee]

Thank you to everyone who has posted on the thread: BPD person who needs a friend with knowledge of BPD. I have learnt so much about my diagnosis, just from reading this thread. I hadn't heard at all about mirroring (even though I've done lots of reading).....

I am wanting to mention a situation with a friend. Essentially, I am never sure if when I have a scenario going on with a friend, whether it is BPD, or if its that friend's behaviour. In most instances, I easily blame myself for things - and most of the time, there are ways that I could have behaved better. But yesterday, I started writing an email to a friend, to hopefully resolve our issues with each other.... after typing the email out, I realised that I didn't fully believe what i was typing. So I have not sent the email, because I want to sit with what are my real gut feelings. I have trouble processing matters.....

Situation is as follows: We've been friends for 23 years. I would consider this person, one of my inner circle. She has been having an affair with a married woman. I had asked her about this several times, just to enquire, because she seemed to be talking about this woman a lot; if it'd been more serious. And she said they'd been together 3-4 times. I didn't think much of it, not great to sleep with a married person; but whatever (I don't even know them)...... I then find out 18 months later (even though we speak a few times a week), that she has been in a full blown affair with this woman. I reacted by talking about how the husband feels...and pulled myself away from the friendship..... In reflecting, I don't actually care about what the husband feels. For me, I felt rejected and why has she kept it quiet. It also frustrated me because I have supported her through 2 relationships where her partners had had affairs..... (and additionally, one other holiday I went on with her, she brang a "friend"..... turns out it wasn't a friend....it was a lover)..... she thinks I judged her and that she isnt obliged to share things about her life with me. As a friend, it should be up to the person, to share what they want to share. The healthy and clear-thinking side of my brain thinks she is not taking responsibility. I don't know how to move forward and am distressed about it.

Not sure how to move forward with the friendship.

[Deckt]

Hi Curleee,

Maybe the more important question is - does it matter? I think there's a difference between being compassionate and understanding towards someone's behaviour because of a condition, and giving them carte blanche to behave like a jerk. Plenty of people with BPD can function perfectly well without hurting others. I find it easy to have patience and compassion for people who have accepted who they are, and are trying their best to be the best version of themselves. On the other hand, I have not much patience for those that use a diagnosis (be it autism, BPD, alcoholism, whatever) to do whatever they want, hurt whomever they wish, and expect to just be able to say "It's not my fault, because I'm...."

The other issue - whether or not you maintain a relationship with this person. I guess that comes down to your own morals. If you find it hard to be friends with someone that would cheat on their partner (and this would be understandable... if they would be unfaithful to a partner, would they find it just as easy, or easier, to betray a friend?), that's your call. I would agree that she's not obliged to share details of her personal life with you, but I would also suggest that if she DOES, you're entitled to give your opinion. If she considers that judgmental, that's up to her. Many people (not just BPD sufferers) know deep down that what they are doing is wrong, and get extremely uncomfortable with being confronted.

I'm sure that Pandora Paradoxical would have some great insight into this issue. I've found her to give great advice. Without speaking on her behalf, perhaps if you dropped a note on her thread, she will be aware of this thread.

I wish you all the best.

[Curleee]

thanks Deckt. Just to clarify, I am not 100% what you mean in the first paragraph. Sorry, my brain gets muddled sometimes. My friend doesn't have BPD..... can you explain what you mean? soz

[Curleee]

Hi Deckt,

Don't worry about replying to my message. I re-read your message a few more times and now I understand what you mean. thanks.

[Deckt]

Hey Curleee,

I also misread your post! 🙂 Sorry about that. I was under the impression that your friend was the one with BPD. Bottom line - I don't think that you're doing anything wrong, based on your post.

[Curleee]

thanks so much for replying. I was trying to understand whether you meant I wasn't taking responsibility - but either way, you have given me lots to think about. I don't care that my friend had an affair, I just prefer open communication and with all of my closest friends, this is how we operate - and it is about having intimacy in the friendship for me... anyway - i look forward to what others have to say also - thank you