BPD and alcohol

Helpadad · ‎23-01-2020

Hi there, I’ve been struggling for a while mostly in denial about my wife’s condition. She has extreme mood swings which I have asked her to seek medical advice about as they are more changes of personality. Over the last year she has been drinking in secret, hiding bottles of wine in cupboards and this has progressed to hiding it in sports bottles. I have caught her a few times and she blames me for everything. I cannot talk to her when she has been drinking as the words that she says are too hurtful. I gave up all drink in an attempt to help her stop, we were good for two weeks then I found her drinking in the bedroom. She admits she is depressed and blames me, because we had three kids and she gave up her career and independence.
If we didn’t have kids, I would walk away, but I don’t trust her with the children, especially as she drinks in secret. I have asked her to get help, she always finds and excuse, and how can I prove she is getting help?
my work is highly stressful and I am juggling trying to keep my family together and not make a mistake at work.
Do I involve her family? Do I ask her to leave? I want to help her, as I still love her and I don’t want to split my family. I feel I am slowly breaking and finding it hard to keep smiling for my children.
I don’t know what to do.

Deckt · ‎23-01-2020

Hey brother,

I'm in a similar situation. My partner, who I love dearly, drinks and a counsellor has suggested she has BPD. Your situation is a bit more complex than mine though, as we don't have kids together. I do have kids from a previous relationship.

I don't want to walk away from my partner. But. I don't let her be around my kids when she's drinking. I don't know how old your kids are, but it doesn't really matter. If she's unstable, that's not a good environment for your kids. I can't advise you to leave, or to ask her to leave. I guess the advice I can give is;

Make sure you're taking care of yourself, mental health included. Talk to a counsellor. There are good services available, over the phone or even text. AlAnon is helpful. If you can, eliminate alcohol from the house, and don't drink yourself.

Make sure your kids are safe. I hate the fact that I can't even contemplate leaving my kids alone with my partner.

If there is to be an ultimatum (such as get help or leave) make sure that you are 100% committed to following through.

I feel for you. I hope that it gets better. Please take care of yourself.

Youre1 · ‎24-01-2020

I can understand that she's drinking regularly, that is to mask the pain that she's feeling. I drank heavily for 10 years trying to mask my severe depression. It put me into a spiral that was difficult to get out of. If she is drinking behind your back indicates that she knows its wrong, which is the first step. Have you tried to get her into a hospital for a detox session? That would be the first step I'd take. I went through 3 detox sessions and now have been alcohol free for 2 years. They last about 5 days in hospital with follow up and medication afterwards. Contact your local drug and alcohol clinic, they will guide you on the right path. Get the professionals to deal with it, they have seen it all before.

Helpadad · ‎25-01-2020

Thankyou for your kind words, you are right it is not easy. My children are young 11,10 and 8, and whilst I know she would not deliberately put them in danger, it does make me worry, especially when I am at work. I have already stopped drinking myself, made excuses to friends I'm getting healthy! Plus it also ensures my mind is always clear. I know exactly what you mean about being committed, we have both made threats but never follow through. It has been hard to discuss with the kids still on holiday, but they go back soon, so will work on where we ae at then.

Thanks again

Helpadad · ‎25-01-2020

Thankyou for your reply, and I will approach the doctors to get options, it is just trying to get her to go. I never looked at drinking in secret was admitting that it was wrong. My first steps will be to try to get her to a councillor, but ensure she says the right thing, I just have to trust she will.

Thanks again

geoff · ‎25-01-2020

Hi Helpadad, I have to admit that I was in a similar position as your wife, I too was a cupboard drinker and was in denial, but believed that the alcohol would solve all my problems, how wrong I was, it eventually ended in divorce after being married for 25 years to my first love.

In hindsight, I now understand the situation you are in and feel very sorry for you and know that what has to happen for all of you isn't going to be easy, but here for any questions you may want to ask.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

Helpadad · ‎27-01-2020

Australia Day came and went, and I managed to continue not drinking under the pretence of getting healthy! She thinks it’s ok for her to have a few wines, when the reason I’m not drinking is because of her! I am at a loss today, thinking we were making steps but seem to have taken a leap back. I think some ultimatums are required, just hope I have the courage to follow through.

NeverEver · ‎27-01-2020

Alcohol is socially acceptable these days alot of people drink and they don't realize they have a problem! It took me to stop smoking last year to realize alot of my friends and family members have problems with drinking (I am not a drinking nor have I ever replied on it... but as I know smoking and drinking is a perfect match.. I decided to not drink for a while as I don't won't to give into smoking) so for the last 5 months I have gone to event like (birthday, wedding, BBQ, Xmas, visits ECT) I see everyone drinking and I am the odd one out (which I like 🙂 I see my brother drinking every day after work he has admitted he has a problem..But then I have a brother in law who has a few beers every day and he doesn't seem to see he has a problem or that he replies on it!!
My dad was Alcoholic so I made sure I married some who rearly drinks 😂 as I couldnt been with some one who replied on it.. as I grew up in a house full on Alcoholics my brother, my sister are both Alcoholic they drink every day!! They don't know how to be them slef with out it... (quite sad) , I have a friend who is a stay at home mum and she drinks every day I go over there to have a cuppa at 9am and she having a can, its taken my friend and my brother to make BIG Mistakes (hurting others or breaking the law ect) for them to realize they have a problem ( BUT THAT'S DIDN'T STOP THEM) IT only stops them for a few months and BAM THEY are back drinking

It hard.... 😔 my husband for year wanted me to stop smoking and I tried and failed serval times, it wasn't until I was done...i Had enough replying on a smoke, my moods, money!!, health,my kids, it's exhausting.... I was done!!! I knew there was more to life then replying on some think to relax me or wind me down..but no matter how much my husband wanted me to stop before I couldn't as I didn't won't to... And when I failed I hated myself!! And smoked more!!!

So it took me to wanna get help and to wanna stop to be able to stop!! Only I could do it

I know smoking is completely different to some one drinking... But my point is they are both addiction..

until your wife is done or had enough or unfortunately made a really big mistakes... she won't stop, wake up or accept that she has a problem... you can try and guide her but unfortunately until she won'ts to stop she wont

geoff · ‎27-01-2020

Hi Helpadad, NeverEver makes a good point, 'you can try and guide her but unfortunately, she won't stop until she wants to'.

It's good that you haven't had a drink but this is not going to make your wife stop, it may appear when she is with you that she has slowed down the drinking, however, it's only going to make her drink more when you aren't watching.

'Some ultimatums' need to be thought out so that your children are not harmed in any way.

I am so sorry you are in this position, but hope you get back to us.

Geoff.

Youre1 · ‎28-01-2020

I was drinking heavily for over 10 years to mask my severe depression, at least 1 box of beer a day, sometimes more. Also cask wine by the litre and some spirits. I was so depressed that I couldn't stand being awake and sober. I used to pass out on the lounge only to wake up in the middle of the night and drink some more. I had several falls and used to wet the bed sometimes and every morning I would wake up, have a vomit first thing and then began drinking again. This was a spiral I couldn't get out of.

I finally made a decision to do something about it, I underwent my 3rd detox session in Hospital and haven't had a drop since. It was very hard, after the detox they gave me tablets that would make me very sick if I touched alcohol. The first 3-6 months was the hardest. But I simply put into my mind that I won't touch a drop. Not even 1 beer on a hot day. Its now been 2 years and my overall health has improved as has my bank balance. I don't even think about it anymore. I simply put into my mind that alcohol doesn't exist. I still go out where everyone is drinking, but I settle for soft drinks. My friends respect that.

Its just a mind set, put into your mind that it doesn't exist. The human mind is very powerful.