Bipolar, borderline personality and PTSD

[Billy66]

Hi all

I am new to the forums and have been reading them for a while but have been to too nervous to respond. I have 3 young adult children and a grandson who I adore. I work as a nurse in what can be a very stressfull environment. I haven't been at work for the last 2 months as I have been in hospital with a depressive phase of my bipolar. I got out of hospital yesterday and have today found out from my case manager that I have been diagnosed with borderline personality as well. 

I'm it hard to work out how I can be diagnosed with this while I am depressed. I have a great GP who is so supportive and a case manager in the community.  I have been assigned to a new psychiatrist who I'm not keen on but am willing to give him a try. 

Even with this support I feel like I am struggling all the time. I have no friends and have disowned my family. Does anyone have any suggestions

hope you all have a happy day

Billy66

[Billy66]

Hi Neil and Scarlett

First up 'Abagail' depression is an example of my poor typing skills - it should have been 'a big' depression :). 

Neil, It must be absolutely horrible for you to be going through losing your brother particularly since you blame yourself. I don't think any words from me could be helpful except that if I could take some of your pain away I would. It's good that you have a supportive family and psychologist. I understand that time doesn't heel all wounds. Time will never heel my childhood. Do you go back to that river and lay flowers as a tribute to your brother - some people find that sometimes that helps - like crosses that people put on the roadside for family lost. It's good that you can talk on here about it. 

I would like to talk about some stuff in the hope it might help me but I'm not allowed to write that stuff on here. I need to find a psychologist in my area that can do DBT or EMDR which isn't available anywhere close! That's the problem living in regional/rural areas. 

It's great Neil that you lost 600g last week. Does that give you the motivation to keep going. It's good your daughter takes photos. I've done that for my daughter a couple of times but I think they take a lot of photos at the gym of each other. I like the saying of yours Neil of 'stupid o'clock'. I'm thinking about getting up at that time to try and shift some of this excess weight. 

Scarlett how was your Monday? 1 more day and you have a day off! That must feel good. Work today was ok. Like you said Neil I'm making small goals during the day and that seemed to have helped today. 4 more days before footy can distract me again.

thinking of you both. Take care

Billy66

[Neil_1]

Hi Billy

Hey, you gave me a big laugh about the ‘Abigail depression’.  That’s funny stuff.

Billy, it’s right there all the time and it takes very little for it to be set off – kind of like a spring loaded trigger.  The amount of counselling and sessions I’ve had over 24 years is monumental, but nothing can take away the facts and what happened.  I could go on and on about this, but you’d soon get the impression that you’re talking to a brick wall. 

I have good meds and a few of them to help me through each day.

The weird thing I find at this particular time of year – ie:  when I’m having multipled DOG days (Days Off Grog), that my depression and my mental state seems to worsen.  As I’m in Comp Prep mode, I do not have beer (or any alcohol) for that entire time;  so I usually go off it in early May and will stay off till after my last comp, sometime mid-October.  Sometimes I stay off it for a little while after, but generally am back on about Melbourne Cup time.

So as I was saying, now that I’m chalking up DOG days aplenty, my mental state is frayed, weak and I feel very vulnerable.

Whereas when I’m having beers of an evening, my general mood/demeanour is more uplifted.

Whereas now, I’m getting fitter and fitter, am sober as, and I’m doing all the right things still, in fact, I’m doing things way more healthily than when I  am not in comp mode.  So I cannot figure it out and neither can my Doc or my psych.

And like me, I understand that when you’ve faced something horribly traumatic, it stays with you and it is something that you can never get over – like your own childhood.  And to me, that’s some of the worst things that can happen – any kind of horrendous things that happen to children is unforgivable, when they are at their most innocent, most vulnerable.  I won’t go on, as I know you’d know what I mean.

I can never go back to that river.  I’ve only been once.  A couple of days before his funeral.  The thing was, they didn’t find his body immediately.  It event happened on a Wednesday and divers didn’t find his body till the Friday.  He was ‘upstream’ from where we ended up – there was an undercurrent that I didn’t even know about or feel.  So when we went back there, my fiancé and me, we took 3 roses and threw them in at that spot.  We watched and the roses travelled upstream.  It was the weirdest thing.  I still remember it so clearly.

Neil

[Billy66]

Hi Neil

I like to read about how you are feeling and your coping/ not coping strategies. I wonder how you would have managed over the years without the support of a good psych and GP ? And as for talking to a brick wall I built plenty of them and continue to make them taller and haven't yet found anyone to help me knock it down. So long as you have some windows in it so you can see that occasional glimpses of light there is hope. My GP would probably be the only person I could trust but we all know how limited their time is so the walls remain. You mentioned your fiancé in your post - is she now your partner and your kids mum? Sorry being nosey now. Just thought that if she was she must also be a good person to talk to about that day and the ones following that tragic accident. Did you suffer with depression before you lost your brother? 

I understand completely the alcohol thing apart from the being healthy. I used to drink a lot and it nearly cost me my kids. I gave up for 5 and a half years after that. I find that if I can have a few most nights I manage things relatively ok. It's when I stop that I can't function properly. Some have said that this 'coping ' strategy is that of someone bordering on being an alcoholic. When I don't drink I find other ways to 'satisfy' the urge. And not neccisorily good ways. The 13 years of my childhood that I would like to forget stays with me always and alcohol helps to dampen it down a little. I just wish we had some support groups or someone to talk to who has had similar experiences in this backward town. 

I saw my case manager today and am really annoyed about this action plan that they want me to sign. They are trying to get me to agree to a set period of time in hospital if I should get sick again. I have asked them how would they know now, how long I need to be admitted for, until that happened again. They just say 48 hours is enough. Have you ever been in hospital with your depression Neil? I think it actually makes some people worse. 

So it's almost midnight and I should probably try to get some sleep for my 3rd day in a row back at work. Sleep!!! Who am I kidding. 2-3 hours is all I get most nights. Hope you are well. 

Be good to yourself

Billy66

[Neil_1]

Dear Billy

Great to read your latest post.

I can fully understand your situation of having a few drinkies of a night/evening – and as you say, it’s a coping mechanism.  I’ve been there and heard all the references against it, but when you’ve gone long periods with it and equally long periods without it, the differences really stand out massively, with the pro’s heavily in favour of ‘with it’.  Although, having said that, not that I’m condoning it to any of the kids out there.

Everyone is different and we all have our own unique situations and so what is good or works for one person might very well be detrimental to another.  He says and he’s chalking up DOG day after DOG day – over 110 now, and counting.  I guess a big positive out of this is that it gives my system a good ‘dry out period’.  🙂

My fiancé at the time, left me about 6 months later.  I don’t blame her really – I mean at the time, I could barely look after myself or care for myself, so doing that for someone else, was something that wasn’t happening.

BUT you know, there are times when I would really like to talk to her – to see how she is after all these years.  But most efforts I’ve made to get in touch have kind of been met with, um, silence.  I guess the thing here was that she only knew my bro for a very short time, only about a year and because we didn’t live near him, the amount of time she’d actually have ‘really known’ him would have been minimal – what I’m saying here is because of that, maybe her levels of grief are not to the extent as mine – and the same with ptsd.

My current partner, we’ve been together … oh wow, over 21 years now and has been some rocky times through that and the ocean is a bit swirly even as we speak.

Living with depression, it just makes you feel so inadequate and for a lot of the time, useless in so many ways.

I believe I did have depression as a teenager as well, as so many things now make sense for how I acted – but I wasn’t diagnosed till years later.

That action plan sounds very confronting – and then putting your autograph down against it – that’s a whole other factor involved there.  I’ve been along to the psych unit in our hospital and that was hellishly confronting – I managed to not be admitted, by about 2am and then was able to head home, which is where I wanted to be the whole time.  But the environment didn’t look overly enticing at all.

Neil

[Scarlet72]

Hi Billy and Neil,

hope this finds you both well and keeping warm, it is freezing in Melbourne, never thought I would say that but the winds have been bitterly cold today.

 It's reassuring reading all your posts since the last time I was here and some of the commonalities between us and our mental health. Childhood trauma and the sudden and tragic loss of loved ones has impacted us all, that feeling of helplessness and vulnerability . Having the support of people around us seems to play a key role in how we cope day by day. I'm still developing those supports. I've only been taking medication since May and it's a real struggle to not eat everything in the cupboard! For,many years alcohol was my medication, in copious amounts too! It gave me confidence and blanked out all my issues.  Since cutting down on the grog and moving towards a heathier lifestyle I have noticed that my mood swings are more severe than when I drank. I'm physically healthier now but not mentally in shape! Ha ha 

I hope work has been going well for you Billy and Neil you are keeping up with your training, your commitment to your fitness is impressive! Crossfit was going well last week but then I found myself getting anxious over the weekend because I couldn't remember the new moves and technique so I think I have taken on a bit too much and need to just concentrate on my running over the next few months as I know I can achieve that no matter what, I always seem to be able to run! Work was going well last week and the hump day break was ideal, however, on Monday, a parent threatened me at work and that has knocked me back a few steps so I didn't go into work Tuesday, yesterday was my day off and I didn't feel up to work today. My manager is supportive but I haven't talked about my depression and anxiety as I haven't built that trust yet. I'm annoyed with myself for letting Mondays incident get to me, I used to be so full of confidence and strength but now feel vulnerable. I am due to see my psychologist on Monday, she doesn't really understand so I need to think about maybe a change in psychologist. 

Sorry to talk all about me in the reply, I just needed to let that out and feel this is the safest place to do it, without judgement but understanding. 

i sincerely hope you are both well

scarlet. 

[Neil_1]

Dear Scarlet

 Firstly, under no circumstances should anyone ever apologise on here about what they've posted.  I know you did above and I'm willing to overlook your comment about your apology ... this time 😉 😉  those are cheeky winks, by the way.  Some might think it's a nervous twitch.

But on here, this is largely what Beyond Blue is set up for, I believe, so that people can come here and unload and vent and talk about their issues and I'm really super pleased that you have done so here.  It's heaps better to unload and get it out, than to keep it locked up inside.

So yeah, no need to apologise ... ok?  🙂  😉

Now, you said it knocked your confidence and that you were annoyed with yourself about what happened on the Monday.  Oh boy, I reckon nigh on 99% of people would have felt the way you felt if that happened to them.  I know I would have - someone threatening you is absolutely horrible and despite the awful action it was from them, it would have taken you by complete surprise.  Something you wouldn't have been expecting and no wonder it set you back.

I'd also suggest a possible change in psych as well, if you're thinking this current one is not overly right for you - as getting to see my psych after such things like what you experienced is something that I hold on to very tightly, as I know when I speak to her about those kinds of things, she's able to work through with me on a step by step basis about it all.   So I do hope your session on Monday IS helpful for you.  Perhaps one more try with this person, as I know it IS a huge step to have to go out and seek out a new psych and you have to go through the whole process again.

I'm very pleased to read though Scarlet, that your manager is supportive - that would be a handy thing to know and at least that's something you don't have to be concerned over.

I'll send this now, but Scarlet, please come back and write more about this, if you feel able to.  That's what this is all about, as I've said above - and a lot of times, it can help just to vent and I'm so pleased you were able to.

ps:  great to hear from you.

Neil

[Billy66]

Hi Neil and Scarllett

so good to hear from you again Scarlett. I hear what you are saying Scarlett about what happens at work can have have such big effects on us mentally. My last breakdown was partially because of a client of mine being very inappropriate with me, sending me back to my childhood. It sometimes doesn't take much but I suppose when you have a good psych they can help you to be stronger and understand your trigger points. On that note finding a good psych is important even more so to find one that you connect to. I need to finds one to as I can't keep going this way. My case manager is good. We talk but I don't feel like I'm moving forward. I think this talking with you 2 has been a life saver for me as I haven't ever talked to people with similar experiences before, so thanks!

Not long now Neil tail your competitions start. Do you get nervous before the event or can you switch off? I can't believe our teams loss on Friday night night. I knew it would be a hard game cause you can never trust Richmond but a loss like that hurt. 

This is just a short post as I am taking my puppies for a walk

hope you are both well. 

Billy

[Neil_1]

 

Hi there Billy (& Scarlet)

Another weekend over and Monday is here again.

Do you find that it so often just rolls around again and again and … you possibly get my drift.

I guess when it gets to this state, that’s possibly when we need to implement ‘other things’ into our routine to break it up or to simply liven it up a bit.  But then, we think “what?” What can we do?   Or maybe it’s me and I shouldn’t be so liberal with the use of the word, ‘we’.  🙂

I sure hope you don’t experience any clients like you had with that other person – for someone to act and be that way is just disgusting and yes, I can so understand that if someone knows about buttons and presses them, it can have devastating effects on you.  OR simply if they don’t know and they touch on some subject that is kind of taboo for you – a stumble across a related event can still be so torturous as well.

Billy, that was so awesome to read that by you coming here and talking, you are finding it to be useful and good for you.  I hope that this remains this way for you and as I’ve said before, I ain’t going anywhere – that I know of, anyone.  Sometimes I might not be here for a day or two, but will always come back and answer.

And just to unload ourselves, is great.  I’m finding that also.

Yes, was very disappointed about Friday night’s game – maybe it was the reality check that we needed, in preparation for West Coast – though, with their draw to the Gold Coast, they’ve experienced their own reality check too.

In the past I’ve felt nervous, tense and anxious and it’s actually dominated my mind and thinking so much, the competing, etc.  But as this will be my 6th year, I have no nerves about it yet and hardly think about it at all.  I do have to practise a lot more yet though, so that’s something I really need to get busy doing.

I was over the moon on Saturday morning, as my scales told me I lost 1.1kg in the last week, so that helped to lift my mood a bit.  So another week like that will be awesome – so I’m aiming for that.

And I can now start going to bed earlier too and get more sleep, seeing as the tour de france is over and there’s a bit of a lull in the Ashes cricket.  🙂

Neil

[Billy66]

Hi Neil and Scarlett

Thats awesome you have lost that weight Neil!! I hope you lose the same this week. How much do you want to lose. I have started walking after work with a work colleague. We usually do about 3km which isn't much but it's a start.

 I am trying to organise Footy colours day at work which raises money for cancer in children and teenagers. We have done it the last few years and I find that it takes my mind off my own issues. We have pies and sausage sizzle and organise some footy things like kicking and marking the ball and passing through a hole for those NRL followers. We have raffles as well and. Good lunch break is had by all. I missed it last year cause I was in hospital so I am looking forward to this year. We are also doing a charity walk  again to raise money for cancer. We are dressing up as the 3 amigos all though there are more than 3 of us. We are wearing sombreros and red cummerbunds like in the movie. I would like to raise money for beyond blue but it's had to get approval at my place of employment. 

There is a local company who have done an awesome video on YouTube which you would find great. I don't know if I can put the name on here so Neil as you have the most experience can you let me know. It's about mental illness in the workplace using actual people with lived experience. I am going to show it at work if my boss approves it. 

I have found this week very hard to control my 'urges' to do things that I shouldn't if you get my drift. I have read a lot of posts that talk about avoiding these situations by being busy but it's not always enough. I would like to stop but haven't found anything that works. This behaviour is apparently part of borderline personality but I don't believe I have that. 

Anyway this weekend should be good on the footy field with Hawks playing west coast. I hope the lions beat the suns too. 

Hope this finds you well and not to cold

Billy

[Ned_Black]

Firstly, this is a post and not a reply! I can't find the button. I have major depression, Generalized anxiety, PTSD from childhood abuse and was finally diagonized as Borderline last year after having a Breakdown in 2012 through harassment at work. I spent months in mental illness wards up to now. I have been trying to find the link between borderline and Alzheimer's. Please help.