Bipolar, borderline personality and PTSD

[Billy66]

Hi all

I am new to the forums and have been reading them for a while but have been to too nervous to respond. I have 3 young adult children and a grandson who I adore. I work as a nurse in what can be a very stressfull environment. I haven't been at work for the last 2 months as I have been in hospital with a depressive phase of my bipolar. I got out of hospital yesterday and have today found out from my case manager that I have been diagnosed with borderline personality as well. 

I'm it hard to work out how I can be diagnosed with this while I am depressed. I have a great GP who is so supportive and a case manager in the community.  I have been assigned to a new psychiatrist who I'm not keen on but am willing to give him a try. 

Even with this support I feel like I am struggling all the time. I have no friends and have disowned my family. Does anyone have any suggestions

hope you all have a happy day

Billy66

[Billy66]

welcome Cotton and hello to Scarlett and Neil

thanks for your post Cotton. I try to feel unique in my own way. We are all different but still so similar. 

I have never tried lentils but might try your recipe Scarlett. you have inspired me to try and be healthier. 

I'm having a really bad time at the moment. The 'voices'are back and anxiety and paranoia and am contemplating all sorts of things. I think I will just post this and ring the suppurt services number. 

Hope you are all having a great day. 

Billy66

[Neil_1]

Hi there Billy

Lentils are also great when added to a slow-cooked combo of lamb shanks and vegetables – like a stew like consistency;   loads of garlic also.

Hey Billy, that’s awful to hear you’re not in a good place at the moment.  Yes, the support number is a must when you’re at these low levels, have that number close to you.

Billy, you’ve mentioned before about telling your kids sometimes about your issues, but you don’t want to overly worry them.  I’m thinking now that NOW is the time to even call up one of them to come over for a chat, a coffee;  and unload if you feel like it.  If you’re as low as I think you are, then I honestly think your kids WOULD definitely want to know.  It sounds like it’s too much to deal with by yourself and let’s face it, these issues ARE to big to handle by ourselves.

Or even to get them over to talk about “anything else”, but just to be there with you.

Perhaps invite them over Saturday night, to watch our Hawkies carve up Sydney.  🙂  🙂

But also think very seriously about having those numbers close to you and please call them if things continue on a downward spiral.

The weekend is almost upon us so I do hope you can have some ‘up time’ over the weekend.

Kind regards

Neil

[Billy66]

Hi all

Watching the Mighty Hawks give the swans a bit of a touch up at the moment. It's awesome. good for you Scarlett that Geelong had a win. I watched my son play a good game today. he plays with the local swans team who were ironically playing the local hawks. 

So life is a little better today. I didn't end up talking to my kids yet. the oldest is avoiding my phone calls and middle one has gone away for w'end and son is out partying with his mates. its good cause I tend to be quite vocal and jump aroud when watching the Hawks play. 

I looked on google for lentil recipes and found heaps so I will try something this week. you wouldn't be eating any lentils at the moment Neil. 

How did you go with work this last few days Scarlett? Will you make it this week. Has the weather improved down south? Its been really cold up here for us. got down to 4 degrees 2 days.

I've carried the support services phone number around with me for the last few days but havent called them. I saw my GP and she is really good to talk to and really supportive. 

Neil, how much longer until your comp? Have you lost enough weight this last week. Cyril just took a huge speccy in front of goal. 

Cotton, I hope you dont mind but I've written down your words as I thought they were quite profound. 

Enjoy the rest of your weekends and go the Hawks

Billy66

[Neil_1]

Hi there Billy

Oh wow, what an awesome win it was – that sure helps when your team wins in such a manner as that.  🙂   And yep, though I don’t tend to jump around, I sure use my voice a fair bit – the rest of the fam can usually tell how things are going, depending on the volume of things and the words said.  Lots of “CYRIL” or “ROUGHY” … good times.  🙂

Nope, no such kinds of foods being eaten by me, no lentils, I’ll be able to have that kind of thing in the ‘off-season’.

Well, my training is going awesome, really smashing out huge sessions and love that delayed onset muscle soreness (DOMS) feeling.  I do chest and triceps on Saturday’s and I still have nice chest soreness now.  LOVE it.

But yeah, my weight loss has been average to say the least over the past couple of weeks;   400g two weeks ago and just 200g last week.  Sure I’m heading in the right direction, but I’ve still got at least another 8 or so kg’s to lose and yesterday 9 weeks till Comp Day.

Just with my depression and all the rest of it, I’m still not fully decided about competing this year.  I’ve competed for 5 years in a row, then had last year off and each of those years, I was fully committed and was really tracking well with the weight loss.  But this year is different, perhaps my mental state has worsened, which I tend to think that it has, so I’ll continue along on the path towards September and just see how we go as it gets closer.

Though I did peel in a notch on my belt last week, so that’s always a good sign and brilliant for the mental state – a notch in on my belt and yesterday, I had to do a notch ‘out’ on my watch, so that’s bloody good also.

Sorry, most of this response is about me and my journey – I do tend to get carried away with it from time to time.

Neil

[Billy66]

Hi Neil and Scarlett and all

Neil its sad to hear that you are contemplating not competing this first comp 😞 I'm sure your family would be supportive and since they know about your illness would be concerned that you aren't competing. it sounds like you are really putting in the effort and enjoy it so much. I looked at my daughter last nihht and after nearly 3 months of training her shoulders and legs are amazing. I'm sure having to pull in your belt and let out your watch makes you feel great

I like listening to your stories so please keep talking about them as I'm sure it help you and helps me to not feel so alone. 

I've managed to do 2 full days at work this week and having today off and then working thurs and fri. Next week i go back to normal full time. Have you been to work this week Scarlett? 

I have to go see my case manager now so I hope this finds you both well and happy. 

Billy66

[Neil_1]

Hi there Billy and Scarlet

Always great to hear from you Billy.   I hope you’re about too Scarlet.

That’s awesome to hear about your work situation – in that, you’ve made it 2 days so far;  a day off mid-week (that’s always a great helping mechanism), and then back again Thurs and Fri.   And then next aiming for full-time again – as you would be well aware, just make sure you keep things monitored with how you’re coping and do all you can to keep things in a healthy state of mind.  I hope it all went well with your case manager.

Scarlet, I hope things are going ok for you at the moment.  Will be good to hear back from you as well when you’re able to.

You know, this competing thing is such a big thing for me, you know with all that’s involved, etc – and yet for the most part, the fam at home don’t really comment or ask to much at all.  They used to, but not so much anymore – I guess after 5 years, the novelty has worn off for them.

But you know, the thing with this is, each year is just as hard as the previous year – perhaps even more as you get older – the fat seems to get more and more stubborn each year to remove.  I guess it just likes my body and doesn’t want to have to get up and leave!

Another funny thing to hear is from people who don’t go to the gym – but do know that I compete.  They’ll ask, so are you still working out?  Are you still training?   I simply tell them that ‘yep, I work out 6 days a week’.   It’s like I honestly think that some people might think that to do this bodybuilding thing, you simply start going to the gym about 8 months or so before the comp and do your workouts then.  But that’s all ok, cause hey, I wouldn’t have a clue about half of what their own loves, passions or hobbies are either, so I shouldn’t talk too much.

I think the hardest part for me at the moment is mental.  My depression keeps snapping at me and telling me I’m not good enough and a whole host of other things.  Evenings are tough as well, with regard to being careful not to eat too much – I’m not eating rubbish, but still need to keep a track on things.

Sorry, I could talk so much about this.  It sounds like I need to talk to someone.

Neil

[Scarlet72]

Hi Billy and Neil (and Cotton!)

sorry I haven't been in touch over the past week, not sure what happened with me! I've just been reading through your threads since my last contact, it seems we're all been on a roller coaster ride. 

Billy, I hope you are ok and get to sort things out properly with your case manager and get to talk to your children, from memory, I think you said they were adults so they need to hear what's going on for you. I'm sure you've been there for them so it's time they need to be present for you. As the saying goes.....a problem shared is a problem halved, of course I'm not saying your situation is a problem! You must be feeling better to be considering returning to full time work? I also would be reluctant to sign any plan or paperwork. 

Hey Neil, I'm impressed by your determination with your training and nutrition, self doubt is a real issue with mental illness isn't it, I'm forever doubting myself but give myself a tap on the shoulder every so often and say well done to myself. I'm sure you can make the competition in September, do you have a coach you can talk to? Maybe reflect on your goals and the initial reasons why you started your fitness, this sometimes help to re focus. 

Its funny to read the updates about the footy and who's winning and cheering on for your teams! It's a great sport. 

I've been keeping up with my exercise the past week which has helped my mood and also spoke with my manager, not about my depression and anxiety but about needing to reduce my hours for a period of time before I consider my work options. So I have Wednesdays off now, it felt a relief having yesterday off and not feeling the pressure of calling sick because I just couldn't face working a full week when it came to Monday morning. It's for the next 6 weeks. I also made contact with a couple of friends I hadn't seen for a while and met up at the weekend so this has helped. I realised I had isolated myself from people, my partner has been working away a lot in the week so a combination of factors had contributed to my situation. 

 i'm sure there is a lot more I can say and also answer your questions from the past week but I'm eager to hear how you both are and how cold or warm it is in your part of the country! It has been very cold down here, frosty mornings but then the days are pleasant, thankfully last weeks rain has subsided, that was sooo cold and miserable.

Hope you are well and your pooches are taking care of you! 

Scarlett. 

[Neil_1]

Hi there Scarlett

Awesome to hear back from you.

No worries about being away from here for a while – I toddle along here most days during the week, but tend to be otherwise distracted on weekends.

That sounds very good about what you’ve been able to arrange with work, in having Wednesday’s off and to simply “know” that you’re having that day off would be a massive pressure off.  Also the ‘feel good’ factor about late Tuesday and Tuesday night, knowing that you’ve got the next day off.  I’m really pleased for you with this.

Ain’t it always the way, there are so often a number of factors that lead to how we’re feeling.  How much easier would things be, if there was only ONE thing – we could possibly knock that on the head or deal with it and we’d be “ok” – potentially.

My appointment with my psych yesterday was, well I haven’t cried as much as I did yesterday since perhaps last October when I lost my Mum.  Though for a lot of that time, I was just numb so perhaps a lot of grief is still inside.  Plus there’s been real bad issues with one family member, so this has just made the aftermath unthinkably horrible.

I’ve had a coach in the past – to help with my diet and guide me through the weeks leading up.  The last time I competed (2013), I was on my own and am solo again this time.  I’ve got a fair grasp on things re food, etc, so that’s all ok.  Just the time it takes to cook, like last Sunday it took 3 hours to get it all done, but I guess in the end, I had 23 meals done and put away in the freezer.  So the end result is awesome … it’s just the time getting it done.  But when the weather is crap outside, makes it better.

Now I’m also pretty sure that for the last two mornings, I’ve pulled in another notch on my belt, so that is pleasing me big time.  I need things like this as confidence boosters;  plus the mirror is another (if I stand in the right lighting – total darkness usually works best for me!)  🙂   🙂   🙂

I weigh first thing every Satday morning to see how much ‘fat’ I’m losing;  the last two weeks have been very minimal weight loss, so I’m hoping that tomorrow it’ll create a smiley face for me.

Cheers

Neil

[Billy66]

Hello Neil and Scarlett

Hope this finds you both well!

I hope you have lost the weight you wanted to lose Neil you weighed in this morning. I think you might have sent it up here as I have put on 8 kg since restarting my antipsychotic and mood stabilisers. Mongrel things. Unfortunately I need them to stay semi sane. Neil do you find that your medication plays a part in not being able to lose the weight you need to or have you been taking the same meds for a while? Scarlett you said in one of your first posts that you hadn't been diagnosed with depression for very long (?). Does your medication interfere with your weight especially when you are exercising. I found over the years that no matter what I did I couldn't shift the weight except to stop my meds cold turkey which is something I don't recommend anyone should do. It sends me manic and then I fall into Abigail depression. 

It sounds like the black dog is playing games with you Neil. I hope you do compete this season as you have already put in so much effort - easy for me to say. Maybe asking your kids to help motivate you might work. Do you run every day as well as do your weights? My daughter walks/runs every morning 5 km to clear her head. She has been taking our little dog with her but finds she is slowing her down. Considering the dog is only 40 cm tall it's no wonder. Do you have friends at the gym that help to motivate you. My daughter trains with a friend and I think they have made a few more friends because of their training. Sorry a lot of questions. Did you feel better after being with your psych and having a well deserved cry. Crying is something I find hard to do- I get the lump in my throat and watery eyes but just never allow myself to do it. 

I'm glad you talked to your manager  Scarlett! Having that Wednesday off makes a huge difference between coping and not. I' m actually quite concerned how I will manage this week going full time as by yesterday morning I was getting really stressed. I have no sick leave left after 2 months in hospital and am using my superannuation to manage while I've been on reduced hours. Do you think you will be able to talk to your manager about what's going on for you or are they not trust worthy.

I watched the Hawks game last night or goal practice it should have been called. Geelong have just won

Will sign off now and hope you both have a great day

Billy66

[Neil_1]

Hi there Billy & Scarlett

Firstly no dramas about questions.  I love them, cause you’re asking me about a topic that I enjoy talking about.

The cry session I had was over my brother from 24 years ago – I lost him in a river and was unable to save him.  It haunts me and we worked out last week, just how massively it does figure in my head.  It’s there all the time and I cannot shake it.  It’s a purely awful way to be, but I was there, I made choices and I made the wrong choices.  I survived – he didn’t and we were best mates on top of that.  I feel that as time goes by, I’m getting worse.  They say time heals wounds – who are “they” and have they walked in someone else’s shoes!

Sorry, little rant there.

I hope that your work week goes well for you Billy – just small steps, and small goals.  Aim for lunchtime if need be, then set other smaller goals along the way throughout your day; and by days end, you’ll have notched up one day.  Tonight, try to have a little celebrate to say “good on you” for getting through today – and for tomorrow, why not select your outfit out tonight, as a little something to look forward to wearing tomorrow?  Just a thought.  I think women can do that – as for blokes, or at least me, I just whack on a shirt, some pants (when I remember), socks and shoes and I’m done.

I have good support at the gym and a couple of people who are ‘in my corner’ which is always nice to know.

Dropped 600g last week, much better than the previous two weeks and that’s pretty much on very little cardio.  In past year’s I’ve got up at ‘stupid o’clock’ to do the early morning jog/walk thing, but so far it's been too cold - yeah, I'm soft! 🙂  But think I’ll need to do that soon, in order to remove more unwanted parts (fat) from me.

My daughter is awesome with helping me and she takes photos of me, each fortnight, so that’s always a good comparison.

And she told me on the weekend that in school last week, they were learning about nutrition etc and that because of my bodybuilding on my telling her about different foods, and what they have in them, etc, that she actually knew all that the teacher was telling them.  Made me proud.  🙂

I’ve been on my meds for years now, so it’s hard to know if they’re weight gainers or not, as I do my best to remain active all throughout the year.

And I’ve gotta ask … what’s Abigail depression?

Neil