Been like this for too many years

[TooLong]

Hey out there.

First time on the forum, so I thought a run down would be appropriate.

I've been struggling depression, when I consider it, for most of my life and the entirety of my adulthood. At 27, having received on/off treatment for the past 12 years, hospitalised for suicidality on two occasions, last period I was untreated was over 5 years ago. I get bouts of suicidal ideation, have been juggled across half a dozen different meds, regularly see a Psychologist, and started with a new Psychiatrist as the one I'd originally managed to get a referral to retired that year. (After the kafka-like nonsense of getting referred.)

My reason for posting is basically to ask - "How long do I have to try to get better before I can get to give up?" I know this isn't a reasonable question to ask, but the only reason I've not been able to work up the courage to remove myself is the pain it will cause others who care. The fact they care is not a positive or motivational thing, just another responsibility and expectation I have to meet. But

I feel so exhausted in seeking treatment, never seeing any improvement, being expected to keep going, and struggling to be functional when all I want is for this pain in me to end, and I see no way of things improving in the world I live in now. 

I don't have anything in my life that provides me satisfaction, and it seems the only times people aren't upset with me is when I live in service of someone elses needs, whether it's family, partner, work, housemates, but all that is to me is taking on more responsibilities they won't handle themselves, so of course people like it when their life gets easier. But I'm not allowed to expect that to come the other way. 

From what I've seen, the posters here do look to be genuine people who understand this sort of feeling, would anyone be able to offer any advice, or a way forward I might not have considered?

Thanks for taking the time, hope things are getting better for you.

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[Neil_1]

Hi there Too Long

Welcome to Beyond Blue and thank you so much for coming here and providing your post.  Sometimes even just coming here and being able to write down your situation can be a helpful thing.

To answer your question of “How long do I have to try before I give up?” – my response to that is:  “a long time”.   Like you I have suffered for most of my life and I am now 49 and am still trying – every day.  I’ve got to – because I could not do the alternative and I’m very pleased to read that you would not be able to do that either.

You have raised some excellent talking points though, in particular with the “others” who care for you;  who know doubt love you and who you mean so much to them.  I take this as a massive positive as I find it helps to keep me on track and to keep on fighting and doing the things that I know I have to, in order to keep “level headed”.

I have my medications that I take daily, I go to the gym 5 days a week – I have appointments with my doc, as well as psyches when the need arises;  I try to keep a good level of fitness, try to eat well and healthy and I drink a fair stack of water each and every day.  These are some of the methods that I have in place that help me along, but I don’t deny it, every day is a battle.  Having said that there are times when I can have a little light hearted moment and even just thinking now, I think I have laughed a couple of times this year.

One last thing, do you have a partner, family members and also a job?  These again can be good distractions to help assist you through the daily grind.

I’m not sure if I’ve said anything useful to you, but I sure hope so.  It’d be great to hear back from you as well.

Neil

[Dream_6]

Hey G'day TooLong, basically you are asking how long will your condition last. Well reading your post your condition started when you were quiet young. I on the over hand were only diagnosed 6-7 years ago and I have been on medication since. I once had it said to me while I was in a clinic that everyone has a script meaning that possibly my depression/anxiety may have been passed onto me i.e. one of my parents did suffer depression and out of a family of 5 boys two of us have suffered or have been diagnosed with depression. My brother who was also diagnosed unfortunately passed away because we feel he was not able to communicate or get his feelings out there. I would advise not to look at when it may stop, BUT look at knowing you have and that you can control it with the help of your GP, Psychologist, beyondblue and most of all if they are willing, your family and friends. At the end of the day I feel the answer to your question is (How long is a piece of string) . Just keep your head up.

[Dream_6]

Well said Neil1