Battling Depression

[blackcorvus]

I grew up in a violent and abusive family. My eldest brother burned my leg with a cigarette and sexually abused me. My other brother bashed me around if I looked at him the wrong way. Mum needed little excuse to thrash me with a belt or shove cake of soap into my mouth for what sh considered swearing. I was the youngest, the whipping boy. By my late 20's I realized there was something wrong with me. I'd sit in my little room and just cry my eyes out. I'd got out of work and going out to put in my dole form was a major effort. In the bus the feeling of panic would get worse and build. I broke down crying talking to a social worker at Social Security. I ended up spending 3 months in hospital. I got to the stage where I thought I was a worthwhile person and could give to others. Now at 59 I don't know what the years of battling have been for. Just back at feeling that I don't fit in anywhere or with anyone. Too many disappointments.

[blackcorvus]

3.20 Saturday morning about 3 hours sleep. Wrote this a few days back in psych ward.

Tears on the Soundboard

The melancholy notes hang then fade in the still night air. Slowly the tears come.No holding back the pain now. Tears of sorrow, a few of anger, confusion, regrets. Longing for what might have been. What we could have been. The tears flow faster dripping, running down the soundboard of the guitar I cradle. I hug my guitar as once I held you. Caress the neck as I caressed yours. Hold it tight for some comfort. Any comfort.

[blackcorvus]

Notes from the psych ward

Been back in the hospital 2 weeks now, shrink's considering ECT.  Some days feel okay. On Friday I went to a music group with Julie and I felt good that day, but usually do seeing her. Right now for most of today, Sunday, I think that if I wasn't around anymore it wouldn't matter. Went home to get my laptop and didn't feel like returning to psych ward, just disappearing. Tried to email my daughter, email account apparently closed, so contacted her work to see if they could ask her to ring me. Julie's really important to me, but I'm just another one of her friends, nobody special to her. Sick of trying to get through one more bout of depression, probably to face the same thing again whenever life goes pear shaped. Ya gotta be strong ya gotta battle through. Sick of battling. What for?

[blackcorvus]

If i dropped off the planet or just walked into the bush and disappeared, who the hell would care. I don't see I've ever had much peace, happiness or love, very little. Two shit marriages, the first I found out had been running around with an ex boyfriend for a few years, the second thought I had girlfriends all over because I was depressed and didn't feel like sex. It didn't matter what I said, I had to have been at it with someone else. A lot of trust and love there. Best friend's dead by suicide. The woman I care about and love just for being her only considers me as another one of her friends. Not worth loving. My daughter who may not even be mine doesn't seem bothered to stay in touch. So WHO really cares none of them and nobody here either.

[The_Real_David_Charles]

Dear Blackcorvus,

Are you stuffing yourself with hospital food ?  I always put on a kg or two when admitted.  Do they do group walks ?   Art ?   Bingo ?  All the fun stuff !

It's seems like you are isolating yourself - one of your earlier posts mentioned that you're writing but don't want anyone to feel sorry for you.   Has this mood changed as today you are complaining that no one really cares about you ?   Surely, it would be hard to care for someone who doesn't want empathy.

Your other complaint was that the board has "A few that seem to think they know everything and the usual attention seekers" so I'm not sure whether it's OK to respond or not.   Maybe you're just venting.

I guess when you're in a hard place the whole world is against you.  A hospital can be very frustrating.   Even psych wards ration of Men : Woman is usually 4 : 1.

Adios, David.

[blackcorvus]

Discharged from hospital yesterday. When I was in there talked with a fair few people about music and painting and just general things. Did painting and drawing in the rec room. Played the guitar with Rachel who has a great voice. Went on the morning walks and played soccer. Hadn't played the guitar for 12 years and no painting for about ten. Just gave up on those things. Started back on guitar about a month back and bought a mandolin to learn something new. May sell my 6 string guitar to buy a 12 string. Love the sound of 12 string guitar. When I had one I used to  get some good sounds from it. Got some music from itunes some of my favourites, Willie Nelson, Johnny Cash, Waylon Jennings, Emmylou Harris. At the moment trying to get out among people, will be going to a music group and there are a few painting groups around. So not trying to isolate which I know would be the worst thing. I need to meet new people, not shut myself off. When I was in hospital I wrote " I can't change the past and no good getting upset over that. No good upsetting myself over what I can't change in the present." Got plans and instructions for making a lap steel guitar off the internet. Thought I might make that at Mens Shed and get some help there cutting and shaping the wood. A lot of things are uncertain at the moment as the house I'm living in has been sold and have to move out by 26th. Applying for flats, hard to find ones where I can have my old cat, had her 13 years so not going to lose her or send her to the RSPCA. I put up $40,000 towards buying this house, I'm not sure if I will get any of that money back, maybe some or none. At present trying not to dwell on negativity and work out things to do to meet new people. Feel generally a fair bit better since last post.

Anyone feel free to reply to this thread. Cheers Bill

[The_Real_David_Charles]

Dear Bill,

So - did you get any nurses telephone numbers ?  Lol.   Good to read the fiestyness in your thread.     Isn't there an internet site for the Mens Sheds ?   What's great about the stringed instruments are the tactile nature of playing.    I do about 1/2 hr on the piano most days as I compose for a big band.  It's just very freeing and the only one that doesn't respect my little bit of space is a damaged cat that sometimes launches herself off the piano mid - tune, normally accompanied by some projectile vomitting.  What a critic !

Adios,David.

[vip]

Hi Blackcorvus good to hear you are feeling a little better. Thats great yes get out there and meet new people that really is the key and yes isolating yourself is a no no .Just take one day at a time and dont look to far ahead thats the key also im sure good things will come to you dont worry. Goodluck and all the best

[blackcorvus]

Sounds funny about your cat! Through the 90's I'd play the guitar for about 2 hours a day. Could even pick it up in the dark and play. It's good to detract from negative thoughts. Mostly play to get good sounds from it, stringed instruments can be very expressive. In Toowoomba I played a few times at the folk club. Played with a group at one time at Toowoomba hosp and we had a concert there. Most of the people at the folk club had to have a few beers or toke. Used to jam with some other people, but there were too many joints passed around, not my thing. Not really into folk music but as it was in the centre of town it was easy to get to, whereas the country music club was on the outskirts. Hope that there will be a country music club that I can go to when I've found a new place. There a a fair few painting groups around too. Didn't get any nurses phone numbers, there was one really nice one. ROFL

Cheers Bill