Hopeless

[Budge]

i couldn't face another day I was fed up of being fed up and knew I desperately needed help. Sitting before the doctor I poured out out my soul. Sympathetically he nodded and smiled then printed off a list of questions. Once done each question was scored, adding up the total he remarked that I had a high score, "Im going to refer you for counselling, prescribe some anti-depressants and send you off to see a psychiatrist". Again I poured out my soul to the counsellor. I struggled to understand how raking up the past helped, going over and over things for me just didn't make things better. It culminated in long uncomfortable silences. I didn't bother going again. The anti depressants nearly pushed me over the edge. One of the biggest under statements I've ever heard came from my GP as he explained how the medication worked "it would get worse before its get better". Then with increasing doses I made the mistake, once feeling relatively well of thinking I no longer needed them. The mess I spiralled down into is hard to explain and was only elevated by going back on the medication, which in itself left me wondering if to stay sane I now had to take tablets for the rest of my life. Sitting in the waiting room of the mental health clinic I looked around at those waiting with me. They all looked troubled in one way or another. I wondered what they thought of me. The psychiatrist, who i thought looked more mental than I did, printed off yet another question and answer sheet and noted my response. I remember him asking if there was any history of mental illness in my family... I didn't think so. But later my Dad mentioned that my Grandfather had had a mental breakdown, which had taken him 2 years to recover from. I began to wonder if it was hereditary and if my son would have to suffer this nightmare also. Finally I was asked if id had any suicidal thoughts. I answered honestly, that I had. It was all I could think of, it never left me. I saw death as a natural relief and the only way out of what I was going through. Moving on to the next question he bluntly ask me why I hadn't killed myself. This stumped me, made me feel that I'd had this thing on my to do list and I really should just stop complaining and get on with it........ I didn't go home, but instead went to a friends place. On the way I began to cry, uncontrollably it lasted for almost a week and then i slept for what felt like twice as long. And when I came round I found it was the menial things that helped, ironing and washing dirty pots. I struggled to motivate myself to go out I couldn't face anyone. When things got really tough when i could get into gear I found going to the beach cleared my mind and then returning home some 4 months later i began to draw on the love and patience of my family. But things aren't right. Im sick of what fells like everyone asking if Im ok or saying that they love me. I still just want to be left alone. I accept that I'm better than i was but this now is me and now how it will be, hopeless. I think about ending my life.

[The_Real_David_Charles]

Dear Budge,

Thank you for such a great account of your depression - those damm forms are the worst !  To think you have to score something to get treated.  I think you sound a mix of dangerous and boring.    Those thoughts of suicide are, as you say, eternal.    I have the same remedy with domestic chores to ease the darkness.    Which is strange as most people's idea of ironing, washing up, cleaning, cutting the grass, etc, is that it is a bad thing and to be avoided at all costs.

"Are you OK ?" [built into a whole campaign] is great to hear when you want it.   However, "Are you OK, I love you" probably sounds shit if you know they can't really do anything and are just saying it for the sake of it. But at least you have some support.     If you really  were on your own would it be OK ?   Or, maybe after a few days, you'd be thinning "Mmm. I miss my family" ?    Maybe you have to be as domestically boring in your explaination for time out as you would organising 4 hours of ironing and 10 hrs of washing dirty pots.    Guess the advantage of solo time is less domestic stuff.  But routine does normalise bad moods.

Adios, David.

[mee]

mate great letter , honest and up front , ur not alone, im in a huge rut currently and feel so lost , alone and horrid, im on the verge of giving up myself,,,,,,,,,,,, i have a lot of hassles currently, every way i turn theres another obstacle, i cant win ,,,,,,,, you arent alone mate, i feel your pain and im with you  🐵

[TristanM]

Budge & mee, In coming here, somewhere where you can talk about your experiences in an anonymous way (if you choose) you've both shown real strength to face your issues. I completely agree with Budge and David about the importance of routine too - for me it's exercise. If I don't exercise for a few days, I tend to get quite down and angry. With regard to the anti-depressants, if they are still giving you trouble, have you discussed this with your psychiatrist and/or doctor? THere are a number of different compounds, and different mixes work better or worse for different people, and some people find they do not necessarily work that well at all (that is not advice to stop taking them, clearly - as Budge has experienced), and other potential remedies may be the appropriate course of action - whether through psychotherapy (does anyone else dislike that term?) or some other means. If you have the desire to be alone, perhaps try just for 20-30 minutes a day, going for a walk or something on your own. It's healthy, gives you a chance to clear your head and think, but not in a manner that will leave you disconnected from your support base.

[geoff]

dear Budge, your letter is such a frank and honest one, and there have all been great replies.

For a psychiatrist to say 'why haven't you killed yourself' has no tact what's so ever, it could quite quickly close the door for you and not continue the session or sessions.

There are other ways in which they can ask this or suggest this to you in an appropriate way, with out being so craze, remember you are in a delicate way, and something like this could tip anybody over the edge. Geoff.