At a crossroads

[Ranga-1]

Hi, I'm in my fifties and for the past few years my husband has been chronically ill. For the past few years, it's been one thing after the other, insofar as his health is concerned. I work and study (hopefully complete my online degree this year or early next year). 

I see a psychologist and am encouraging my husband to do the same. He cannot work and this depresses him, along with the health issues. 

I feel like we are heading in different directions (maybe because I"m busy and on a new career path). I find myself constantly resentful and irritated with him. I'm wondering if this is normal when dealing with spouse who is not firing on all cylinders. I have checked in with our two young adult sons and they tell me they're coping okay with their dad's issues, which makes me feel a bit better.

I wonder about moving away from this area when I finish my degree because I think I would prefer a different working environment than what's on offer here. I could possibly get a rental and have our son move in - it would do him good to get away from this area because there's nothing here for him that he's interested in. He's studying at the moment two days a week, so it's good he's occupied.

Any thoughts or support from this wonderful community would be appreciated. 

[randomxx]

Mind you, her circumstances to have on the other hand been an absolute one of last 10yrs to with legals courts a bad divorce and visa problems poor things been to hell and back. So sometimes  l think its more psychological than physical and not something anyone or tests can see. l've often thought and suggested it 20 times get bitten, but she just needs to be still for a awhile now that that's all over finally more than anything, but she won;t.

Anyway, whole nother story.

[Fiatlux]

Good morning Ranga-1,

Oh, dear I am so sorry for your experience here. You came here for support so I am going to dial it back and focus on you.

Have you spoken with your husband about the move away when you finish your studies? Is this something that he would support?

You can always plan for him to join you when you get established in your new career. FIATLUX 🙏🏼

[Ranga-1]

Hi, there. I didn't think you were being judgmental, I thought Random was being a bit judgmental. I think my husband might support a temporary move away. I think we might need to separate to find ourselves again.

[Ranga-1]

Yes to a lot of your questions. He should be doing more for his mental health, but at the moment, some of the physical issues seem to be improving, which is great to see. 

Yes, I would say there is carer burnout. I happen to do community care for income, so it never seems to stop.

[Fiatlux]

Ranga-1,

The temporary move or separation from each other can be good for your relationship.

(you shouldn’t however be subjected to misogynistic, judgmental remarks that are not helpful)

When I say that our separation was good for me, it was a good time for me to re-evaluate my life. I was married at 19 and my 3 children adults and moved out of home or planning to. My children supported my decision to move out as I was being subjected to DV in all its forms.

Our reconciliation and good will didn’t last very long. The same old misogynistic controlling behaviour and the lying very soon returned if it had ever stopped. I have never mentioned the lack of love in my marriage either, except that I feel that it has conditions attached and it’s not reciprocated.

None of my husbands illnesses are life threatening or even serious enough to stop him working, but I know what it’s like to be the parent who is supporting the family financially also.

It’s a tough position to be in but having the discussion with your husband about the future may alleviate the stress you feel about it at the moment.

And I sincerely hope that you can resolve this together. Fiatlux 🙏🏼