as I walk through the town with no people

[Aitsu]

I find it hard to explain anything about how I’m feeling, because to be honest I really don’t know anymore.

I use to have depression during primary and high school, but thanks to a couple of great relationships in my past things improved and I was able to get past that, there was once a point where I’d say I was free of depression and was just trying to work through the secondary problems my depression had created, such as poor memory and social skills.

But ever since my relationship with my ex failed two years ago I have slowly been spiralling down hill. It has been around 15 years since I have been this bad with my depression to the point that I am finding myself in tears every day and wanting to pass out too fee myself from the feeling of emptiness and pain I feel.

I have tried so many different things to get myself on track since the break up, from attending various social clubs, immersing myself in work, spending time with family, following hobbies, dating sites… whatever I do, I just have no interest and to be honest all these things actually make me feel worse.

While my memory is shot as my head tries frantically to cope with this pain; I still know of the feelings of bliss I felt every time my ex smiled and nothing these past two years can remotely compare or turn me around so fast. I think that is why I feel nothing when I do these “social” things. As much as I wish things worked, I understand that she wanted to follow her spiritual needs and going our separate ways was probably inevitable.

I have been in love and engaged before and breaking up has always been horrible, but I can’t turn myself around this time as I fall deeper into the darkness. I feel so alone as I walk through this town with no people.

[AGrace]

Hi Aitsu,

Sometimes the most unproductive weekends are the most productive. Often we just need those 2 days to do nothing. Just to relax, revive, and re cooperate. Try not to be too judgemental of your inactivity. 

Going back to work on Monday mornings can be really tough. Is there something you could slot into your lunch break or the end of the day that you can look forward to, to help with the motivation? 

I too find that as soon as I get home I literally want to collapse. Rather than heading home is there somewhere else you can go to do a bit of study? The library, a cafe? It might help keep you alert, and keep you in a productive mind frame.

Why don't you start planning for a week off work. Think about a destination you'd like to visit. What would you do there? Perhaps getting some study done straight after work will free you up just to enjoy your holiday? 

I hope all goes well with the training sessions. I used to be a full time trainer so I did this ever day for 8hrs a day. I get the anxiety that goes with it. I dreaded every single day. I used to look forward to 11am, by then the nerves had settled a bit. 

Do you take any anti anxiety medication? 

AGrace

[Aitsu]

That is definately a good point, it is hard to say if having a "full" weekend would be any better or would I just be wishing I had nothing to do and could relax.

I am not sure about being able to go somewhere to study, it literally takes myself a good 30minutes just to get myself sorted out, and it is soo much easier doing it on 2 monitors at home than trying to work from a tiny laptop. But yeah having that different environment would probably be good in helping me switch over to a "study" mode and remove other distractions.

I really wouldn't know what to do if i had time off, other than try to catch up with study *grumpy face*. I use to do a lot of photography but I have very little interest in that at the moment expecially in this weather! hmmm would a 2 week barbiturate coma count as a holiday? Now theres a thought!

Nah, I don't take any anti-anxiety meds, I don't really feel comfortable with them (is it possible to be uncomfortable with anti-uncomfortable drugs!?!?!?). They are not something I can turn on and off when I need them either so I think they'd do just as much harm as good.

I guess you could say I am a full time trainer, but mostly it's one-on-one training. I hate being the focus of attention and my language skills are terrible and always get my words mixed up so yeah these group sessions are a real trial but it keeps my mind off my ex.

I thought I did ok today at work, even went and took a detour after work and visited my sister (which she keeps bugging me to do), that was all going good until she brought up my ex *rolls eyes*.

I had my nieces on my lap so I couldn't really go anywhere and just went dead silent. One of my nieces then started asking me all those fun questions... are you lonely living by yourself... do you have any friends... who do you talk to. It's taken 12 or so months but atleast she has stoped asking me about my ex!

I can't talk to my ex or even about her, I hate not being part of each others lives. I don't know what is right to do in the circumstances and I don't think there is a clear answer either way it is just so complicated and full of unknowns.... argh... time to find a distraction ... 😐