as I walk through the town with no people

[Aitsu]

I find it hard to explain anything about how I’m feeling, because to be honest I really don’t know anymore.

I use to have depression during primary and high school, but thanks to a couple of great relationships in my past things improved and I was able to get past that, there was once a point where I’d say I was free of depression and was just trying to work through the secondary problems my depression had created, such as poor memory and social skills.

But ever since my relationship with my ex failed two years ago I have slowly been spiralling down hill. It has been around 15 years since I have been this bad with my depression to the point that I am finding myself in tears every day and wanting to pass out too fee myself from the feeling of emptiness and pain I feel.

I have tried so many different things to get myself on track since the break up, from attending various social clubs, immersing myself in work, spending time with family, following hobbies, dating sites… whatever I do, I just have no interest and to be honest all these things actually make me feel worse.

While my memory is shot as my head tries frantically to cope with this pain; I still know of the feelings of bliss I felt every time my ex smiled and nothing these past two years can remotely compare or turn me around so fast. I think that is why I feel nothing when I do these “social” things. As much as I wish things worked, I understand that she wanted to follow her spiritual needs and going our separate ways was probably inevitable.

I have been in love and engaged before and breaking up has always been horrible, but I can’t turn myself around this time as I fall deeper into the darkness. I feel so alone as I walk through this town with no people.

[white knight]

Hi Aitsu,  welcome to BB forum.

I can relate to your loss of memory.  People cant adjust to it either. Seems a default for everyone to assume your memory is normal and that is understandable. but it is annoying for us. Little you can do there though. I've heard there are some natural products from health stores that can assist with memory return.

I've been in love 3 times. The most recent, my loving and dearest wife has been the most wonderful of all of them.  I urge you to continue to socialise to find that right girl. Until you do your fascination with your previous girlfriend will continue.

Finally, take care of your health. GP visits and the like.  Life is not easy for many of us but it is what you make it to some.  Create your happy world with persistence. Good luck

[Aitsu]

Yeah the memory loss is definitely very frustrating. Besides the memory loss, I have also gotten Graves disease as well as psoriasis and I am sure it is all related to my body's internal way of trying to deal with the stress, anxiety and depression. My body is internally self destructing... grrr *shakes fist*

I don't think it is healthy that I rely so much on another to be happy myself but I have always been that way, even before my first relationship I knew it was something I needed.

In the past I had never found councillors helped, and have tried quite a number of anti-depressants to try and sort out my bodies chemical balance, but they have either not worked at all or have removed all my feelings all together (both joy and sadness) which is totally weird and extremely unnerving.

Currently the only thing that gets me through is to live in a daydream before work and after work, which I hate doing. It isn't healthy, and is making my memory worse, but it is the only thing I can do to prevent myself from breaking down.

Each weekend I try to carry on and live as normal life as possible, shopping, going to conventions, pursuing hobbies but to be honest it all seems more of a chour and a obligation until I can meet that someone for me. Even sharing these experences with friends is... well... underwhelming.

[AGrace]

Hi Aitsu,

I was reading both of your posts and the thing that stood out for me was the fact that you're doing a lot of distraction. I do wonder too if it's more avoidance than distraction. Sometimes filling our lives and days with so many things just delays us getting to the heart of our troubles. 

I'm not sure on this idea of relying on someone to make you happy. Do you think that's a pretty big expectation to put on someone? I'm just thinking I don't think I'd ever be able to make my partner happy. Sure I can bring him a sense of happiness, but he is the only one who really has the power to make himself happy. If we could truly do this for another person, depression probably wouldn't exist. You have a right to feel needy, we are all seeking connectedness, just be mindful of what you might be setting your next partner up to try and achieve. 

Curious to hear your thoughts. 

AGrace

[white knight]

You seem to be such a lost soul....well you are not alone. Many people a re lost. Even married people are lost, unhappy for this reason or that and many stay unhappily married strange enough.

Which leads me to a thought that it better to plug away and take time to find that right partner.  Dating sites are the way to go now. You narrow that gap easier and quicker.

good luck

[Aitsu]

The only way I can make my self feel satisfied and happy is when I love and am being loved. Yes there are things I enjoy doing but they are short lived and nowhere near as fulfilling which is why I have so many distractions.

I have never found it to be a big expectation or issue with the relationship in general as things I don't enjoy doing by myself or with others I enjoy sharing with the person I love so I do get that drive and am a completely different person.

I have had two relationships last over 5 years and had gotten engaged both times, I have had a number of others which have all lasted between 3months and a year. Some I have broken up with them, others they broke up with me, pretty much all have been on "good"? terms. From what I can tell all things considered I have been lucky with the amazing people I have gone out with and to be honest I do consider myself quite picky and have known all the girls for at least 6 months prior to going out.

I can't stand my mind, I am sick of cogitating in pain. I hate being so alone when sorounded by family and friends. I don't really understand any of it, I just accept it.

SNAFU

[beyondblue_Online_Communi]

Hi there,

It's really great that you have come online for some support. Have you thought about getting any support. A great start is chatting with people here about their expereinces but you could consider some counselling. You can call the beyondblue helpline and we can chat with you about how you go about getting some support. the no is 1300 224636.

take care
 

[AGrace]

Hi Aitsu,

I get what you are saying by feeling most happy when you feel loved and are being loved. I think this might be related to the fact that when in a relationship you actually get to share your joys with the other person. It's kind of like going on a holiday on your own, having a good time and coming back and trying to tell people about it, they just can't seem to feel the same level of joy that you did. If a loved one was to join you on that holiday you'd both have the happy memories and you'd both be able to continue to enjoy chatting about the good times you had.

Are you wanting to meet someone now? Are you doing anything to help you meet potential partners? If you enjoy being in a relationship, there's nothing to stop you from starting one.

AGrace

[Aitsu]

MOD:

Thanks, but I wouldn't want the counsellor to ask me any questions and I wouldn't have much to say considering each message I write on here takes a good hour or so to construct... I doubt the sessions would be that productive and the councillor would just start biting their nails and make them worry about the washing they haven’t done at home yet, plus they need to stop by the shop and oh get petrol…

 

AGrace:

I tried very hard to answer those two questions, I was going to ask you to be more specific but I think they are pretty specific already. The answers are yes and no for both, I’m struggling to elaborate on that.

[Aitsu]

I really don't want to go to work tomorrow. Today was so unproductive, I feel soo tired and overal the weekend wasn't that great. I should go to bed early but I don't want the weekend to end, but if I stay up I'm so going to regret it at 5:30am.

To make things worse I have training sessions all week to give, thankfully there are only 6-8 or so people in each one (so I shouldn't get too anxious) and I have already spent the past 3 weeks doing them, but they don't finish til September. I have also agreed to do a project after that and need to interviews for that argh!

I really want to take some time off 😞 but every time I do I just regret it as I just waste the time. Last time I took time off was so I could catch up with studies but I got hardly anything done and overal would have rather the cash and anual leave. Last week however one of my managers asked me how I was doing with the course and that they needed me to hurry up and complete it, unfortunately my head just isn't with it. The course is online and REALLY poorly organised which makes it so hard to push myself to do.

I still have a while to complete it. I just wish I didn't feel like falling asleep as soon as I walk through the door when I get home. Apparently it isn't my thyroid acting up again and my mineral levels are all good. I probably should go to bed early, but if I do I just wake up early, and if I try to sleep longer I get a headache. I am pretty sure I am still having frequent nightmares. Not that extra sleep seems to help.