Am I normal for feeling this way?

[porcelina32]

To be blunt I hate my life and I hate being me. 

I have always had low self esteem and body issues. I drive myself crazy. 

I recently left a partner of five years because we grew apart. I was happy when I left but I question my decision every day.  We have a daughter together and he has her most of the time. I probably sound like a awful mother but I'm glad he has her. I'm not a motherly type and can only handle small doses of her. She is 14 months old.  I had a hard time during pregnancy and part of this was due to my partner and his belief on child raising etc. This is why he wanted to be the stay at home dad.  I've never really felt connected to her. 

So now I'm on my own..... Wishing I had a different life. I have all the same issues other people do like no money a car that's dying. Bills and more bills. Plus now a child I have to take into consideration because I don't want to neglect her. I hate how I look and my weight. I try to find distractions through friends and sleeping with a couple of men (not all the time). At first I felt actually wanted despite how I look but I know they are using me like I am them I guess. so I just hate myself more. 

I cry alot. Unmotivated. Tired. Just wish I could die in my sleep as it would be easier. Too gutless to do anything to myself. 

I know. I'm an awful person and should be grateful for what I have. But really I think people would be better off without me around.  I'm tired of thinking about what I should be doing every day, the right things like my daughter. I'm tired of thinking about ..... everything. I've felt like this for months. I'm good at hiding it. Think I'm just in denial some days.  I can't talk to any of my friends about any of this or family. 

[amamas]

Hi Porcelina

It sounds as though you are really struggling at the moment!!

Have you talked to your GP about this?  If you haven't I highly recommend doing so as to me it sounds like you really need some support and help!

Big big hugs! Take care, Amamas

[MikeyC]

Lots of us with depression wish we had different lives, but ultimately we are given the cards that are dealt to us.

Amamas has the right idea in regards to talking to your GP about what you've just told us. I think speaking to a professional is a good start to really convey your feelings and emotions. It sounds like a difficult time for you at the moment.

You mentioned that you question your decision of leaving, even though you're happy to have gotten out. I think the old adage of "better the Devil you know" applies here, because you're in unfamiliar territory. Take hold of the fact that not being with someone you don't care for is a lot better than sticking around and realising you've wasted more of your life than you care to admit.

There's nothing wrong with casual sex, but when you're using it to fill a gaping wound in your heart, it's not going to work (I do it with chocolate, but the wound gets filled with trans-fats, haha).

It seems you're just depressed at how life has unfolded for you at the moment. Think about things you enjoy doing and pursue them without deviation. Having your mind focused on activities you like is a great way to stave off depression. Also eating and sleeping right, but that's a given.

Good luck. 🙂

[Vegetarian Marshmallow]

Think I'm just in denial some days.

Zhuangzi once dreamt he was a butterfly, and from then on he wasn't sure whether he was a man who dreamt he was a butterfly, or a butterfly who dreamt he was a man.  Maybe the real you is very motivated and hopeful about the future and her ability to achieve her goals in the face of whatever is thrown at her, and you are in denial about that.  Don't fob off your good days (or.. sub-day moments), getting caught in the slipstream of thoughtless thoughts.  You are allowed them.  They are just as real as the bad ones.

[geoff]

dear Porcelina, from what I can see is that you have been suffering from PND, in which case you need to see your doctor.

You can temporarily fill a void, but this isn't going to satisfy your needs, because you just bounce along to try and solve how you are feeling, but you can't fix any of this by yourself.

As good as it may feel to sleep with different types of men, in the long run you won't be able to overcome these feelings, and you deserve help, because it's only procrastinating your situation. L Geoff. x

[mr_confused]

Hi Porcelina,it is possible u have PND,my ex wife had the same,our boy is now 2,she has been in and out of hospital,both womans and mental,cause it got to her so badly,she had the same signs that u are feeling,i always supported her,but she didn't really get ova it(which has lead to us seperating),in time she mite.I hope u get the rite help and support,u can get thru this,most importantly take care of urself.