Helping someone I don't know.

[Axete]

I am hoping someone here can help with some advice.

 I have a facebook friend I meet through a game. I live in QLD, she lives in WA. I've never meet her and know nothing about her other than what she puts up on Facebook. We've been "friends" for about 2.5 years and in that time, 75% of her posts are filled with sadness and pain. She seems so lost, so angry with the world, so depressed. I know she has a 6yo daughter which her mum has custody of, she has no relationship with her own family and her husband is a drug addict. And other than 1 other person, it seems all her "Facebook friends" don't know her personally either.

She's constantly calling out for help with posts that say life sucks, she wishes she wasn't here, she's so tired of life, she's alone. "Codes" I learned from my sister as I watched her raced to hospital on numerous occasions as a teenager, "codes" we didn't know about when my father took his life, and "codes" I have used myself when I struggled with depression and suicidal thoughts. Each time I've commented or sent her a message urging her get help and find the strength to continue, not that she's replied to any of them except for a quick thank you for your support every now and then. Last year I felt urged to call the police and they were able to find her in time and take her to hospital. And then again last night, I was up until 1am waiting for a call from Perth police to tell me she's been found safe after she posted she's just attempted suicide again.

Now here is my selfish part. I don't want to go through this with her. I don't know the girl. I feel like my family has gotten the strength they needed to pull each of us together. My sister is now a happy mother of 4, I am a happy mother of 2, and we know our limits, our husbands know our limits, and together we work through the dark days. Those dark days are thankfully becoming far and few between, as our support and understanding help us through. I feel like FINALLY after 14 years (since my Dads suicide), our family is happy. It's taken us so long to get here, it's taken me so long to get here. I don't want a shadow hanging over me, the worry I feel this lady. It's kept me awake, it's kept me online, away from my kids, searching for answers to help her, sending her messages of hope. And that makes me feel horrible and selfish. I know how much support can mean to one person. If I defriend her, will she think/feel like someone else has given up on her? Will she feel abandoned? If I wasn't her "friend" would someone else seen her post in time or rang the police? If I'm not her "friend", will she go through with it and then they're will be no one online to help her?

I don't know how to help her and I don't think I am strong enough to do so anyway. I don't know what to do.

[Neil_1]

Hi Axete

2.5 years is quite a deal of time that you’ve been having to be a support to this lady.  I can totally see why it’s getting to you … especially seeing as you’ve had your own demons to deal with.  I’ve never done Facebook, so I don’t really know all the “in-terms”  associated with it, ie:  if you unfriend her, I’m guessing she’ll get a message to say this?  

It’s a really difficult situation because you are a very caring and supportive person yourself and if you did that, would your mind be thinking about how she is going?

Does she know any of your background and how by you doing this, it’s becoming really stressful for you?  Do you think she would be able to understand your viewpoint?  I certainly can.  

Does she take on your advice when you offer it?  She really needs her own direct professional support (first a GP to go too and then I’d be thinking medications as well as psyche assistance).  I don’t know if you’ve offered her such advice to get to see a GP?   Also the other piece of advice that I’d be throwing her way would be to encourage her to come onto this site.  

The only other thing I can suggest is to say that you and your family are going away for a while for a holiday and you won’t be ‘online’ for an amount of time … this could be when you could advise her about this site and also for getting to see her GP.  It could be a possible time for her to be weaned off you.  

I hope some of what I’ve written has been useful to you.  

Ps: Axete, with the assistance you’ve already provided her, I can let you know that you are a very strong person and someone who has a wonderful warm and caring spirit.  

I hope that you and your family have a Happy Christmas and please write back and let us know how it is all going  

Cheers  

Neil

[Axete]

HI Neil,

Thank you for your reply. I did take a few days off from Facebook. I needed to clear my head and get a positive mood around me and my family for Christmas.

I went back on yesterday and she's been on, talking at least. Seems she did attempt to end her life and has been in hospital. She's now out of that and back to "the real world" , as she put it. But now she is so angry with everyone. She feels like she's being guilted in to survive, that all her friends are being selfish for trying to remind her of all the good she has in her life, like her daughter.

 She still wants to go, she doesn't want anymore help and keeps apologising for putting a dark cloud over our Christmas, but she's tired of living and tired of hearing the reasons to stay. I don't think there is anything I can do but hope the hospital keeps her for a little longer and gives her the help she desperately needs.

And you are right Neil, I couldn't "defriend" her knowing what she's going through. I would always wonder. But I do think maybe I should take a step back and be more of a concerned bystander for a bit, but still be close enough to offer her my hand if she needs it. I don't think I can do much more, especially when she's in the darkest place she's ever been in.

[geoff]

dear Axete, Neil has offered you some good advice.

As much as I hope that she isn't going to follow through with her remarks, it's not an easy post to comment on, simply because Facebook is a site where people make statements which can tend to lead us on, just like a dating site, so we not really know until we see them face to face.

Could you reply to her saying that you may or may not be going away, and see how replies. Geoff.

[Neil_1]

Hi Axete

I'm still concerned about how this situation is going for you?  It's an awful load for you to bear and especially at this time of year.

Are there any updates ... but as you say, the longer they can keep her under the watchful eye of the right people in hospital, the better it'll be ... for everyone.

But she must really be in a bad place ... and by the sounds of it, her friends are trying, but it's really difficult in being so far removed from it all to know the true story ... as in, there's always two sides to a story, and you're only hearing one.

I do hope that you're bearing up ok?

Neil