Am I actually enough anymore

[Guest_45645736]

My current boyfriend has been going behind my back since 2024 now and looking at other women’s only fans pages he’s also talked to other women before asking them for nudes and the worst part is he said he would change and stop and I believed him but he would just do it over and over again it’s really sad because I’m only really with him because im afraid of being lonely without him I don’t have anyone else I don’t know if he has changed he proposed to me and wants to get married and have kids soon but if I’m being honest I don’t know if I love him anymore he’s ruined my trust towards him forever I don’t know what I want to do I feel like he’s just gotten so used to me brushing it off and hoping to have faith in him that he thinks it’s okay I love him but I hate how he hurts me if he just never did any of that stuff u would’ve signed those marriage papers tommorow and that’s the hardest part is hating and loving him at the same time he often spoils me when he gets payed using almost all his money on me and it makes me question if he does it out of love or because when he said he would change last it was all a lie and he’s still doing these things he lets me have his phone but he doesn’t care because he knows I won’t find anything in it because if he is doing stuff he’s hiding it every other time I caught him he had no problem with me being on his phone he just didn’t hide it well enough it makes me genuinely sick to my stomach to think that I could still be sleeping up the same person who ruined my confidence I don’t know what to do anymore we broke up a while ago and honestly when we were broken up besides all the chaos that was going on in my life I had never felt happier I’d never felt more like myself and then we got back together and I spend most of my days laying in bed from morning to night I don’t like eating as he has made me feel like my body is disgusting I either overthink my appearance or sometimes don’t shower or brush my hair or teeth for weeks it’s been like this since the moment we got together and when he said he would change law he promised to quit smoking weed and he has but that was also something that was tying me down from the beginning of our relationship The worst part is I took the ring already and sometimes I’m so used to him hurting me even I forget what he’s done and have conversations with him to plan a future I feel like I’m also the bad guy and it’s so hard to leave after all this and if I do leave my only option is going back to my home town in Newman Western Australia it’s really small I’ve lived there my whole life and everyone in that town hates me before I went back to him I asked a girl with cancer if she was dead yet my only friend I’ve ever had which we also ended things before I left lives there I was bullied by everyone in my year throughout high school and primary school and I just don’t know what I’m going to do anymore sometimes I feel like I have no options so I think I’m just better off dead

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

When we look for a partner some of us are very flexible because we are lonely or want to be loved, those feelings can overwhelm our logic, those little red flags that really are big red flags that we suppress to make that person fit into our ideal person as a partner. This is where our problems begin, we end up with someone that isnt compatible at all mainly in your case, you have different, higher values than he has plus your boundaries are set and cannot be moved outwards anymore. You've met your limit.

The problems begin, if you leave you'll be lonely and heart broken. If you stay you'll need to deal with your boundaries being broken regularly. Frankly, few marriages will work with the latter, you'll have a broken marriage and it could involve kids lives being torn apart. Is that worth the risk?

So let's deal with the loneliness and being single are there any positives?

Being single means a change but it also gives you freedom to, once the grief has passed, to seek out a more compatible person and you'll be surprised at the wonderful guys out there that you'll meet that will respect you more. After all you deserve the best right?.  Your future children deserve a man that will have similar values yes? 

Many people feeling like you are feeling have low self esteem. Due to that I suggest you talk to your GP to find therapy or counselling and chat to someone about that. You'll be amazed at how that can change you to cope better.

TO GIVE YOU TRUST

Life can be a struggle not being loved the way you'd like

To find the perfect partner takes patience and might

But to concede to a man thats just ok

Is to allow yourself to settle for clouds of grey

Everyone deserves the very best fit

In your case a man that loves every little bit

A guy that respects you and doesnt want to part

And doesnt disrespect your pleas and loving heart

Believe in yourself and your worthy smile

Someone out there will walk every mile

To give you trust and preserve your care

Never give up... he's out there...

Reply anytime.

TonyWK

[therising]

The warmest of welcomes to you at a time in your life when you feel so torn between how you feel and who you want to be. Such a challenging time, for sure.

Tony offers words of wisdom, which I can relate to. What we try so hard to tolerate now can end up being incredibly intolerable somewhere down the track when circumstances shift for one reason or another. What I could tolerate before having kids is very different to what I can and will tolerate now from a partner (my husband). When you have kids, your boundaries tend to naturally shift. Your standards can rise as you raise your kids and yourself in the process. Sometimes fights can happen when one of you is fighting for change and the other is fighting to maintain a certain habit that was challenging to begin with. 

If my husband was invested in only fans and flirting with other women, I'd be inclined to call him 'lazy'. The reason I see it as lazy (under certain circumstances) is because it's so much easier to seek excitement elsewhere than it is to work on what it takes to make the relationship more exciting. It's about shifting focus back and finding what works for the relationship, which can definitely take next level communication and a commitment to feeling for each other when it comes to what works and what doesn't. I suppose you could ask 'Am I prepared to marry someone who's more invested in their own excitement and someone who's not willing to regularly work on reforming the relationship?'. Having been married for 23 years, I can tell you there can be ups and some serious downs that force a form of questioning and reformation at times, such as 'What do we need to do to improve things? What do we need to do in order to feel more for each other, developing a deeper connection? What do we need to do now that our beliefs have shifted from when we first met?' and the list goes on.

I have to say that a lot of that stuff also applies to ourself, as individuals: 'What do I need to do to improve things? What do I need to do in order to feel more for myself, developing a deeper connection? What do I need to do now that my beliefs have shifted from when I was younger, now that I'm evolving in a number of ways?' etc etc. Going through a transitional period, whether in a relationship with another or ourself, can take a huge amount of questioning in order to get to the revelations that are going to make a difference. Having a vision helps too. If we imagine or visualise nothing changing, how does that feel, compared to imagining all the changes that need to happen in order for things to really evolve in exciting ways? In other words, what are we looking forward to as a seer, as we look into our future? Btw, I've found it handy to have someone who can see for me at times when I just can't see the way ahead.❤️

[CaneNero]

Your not better off dead... But perhaps you're better off putting yourself first. You seem like you are needing to do some self care. You need to realise your worth, even if you feel depressed now. Things will not always be this way, they will change.

It might hurt to leave him. But if you are feeling this way before marriage, perhaps it would be a poor choice to go ahead with marriage at this stage. 

Sure, plenty of people get tempted and do stupid things like what he's been doing. But if it's this way now - most likely it's going to lead to doing more than just looking and chatting to other women. He's already crossed that like of trust. You can't change him. Please know that deeply. You can't. And it's not your responsibility to change him either. And it's not for you to endure, to struggle through or put up with. Why should you be suffering? You're worth more than that.

Please talk to people about this. It can help you to our things into perspective and to realise unhealthy thought patterns and break them. Reaching out here is a start. But also try talking to friends or cousins. Or a counsellor if you can. Once you have perspective, and you see things more clearly, you will gain strength and be able to make some healthy decisions for yourself. That's all you need to remember: "make the next good choice for yourself" - in everything. 

And for the moment make the next best choices too. What would help you to feel better? How about some small self care changes. Such as, sticking to the habit of showering every morning regardless of how dirty you feel. Even if it's five minutes. Don't think about it, just get in. And keep your toothbrush in the shower, you might be more tempted to use it.

You'll start to feel stronger and proud of yourself if you try to keep a few small self care habits. Then layer in more over time. Whatever it might be that's manageable, doesn't have to be what I have suggested. Write it on a paper on the wall if it helps to stick to the habit. Or use "to-do" lists or a weekly planner pad of paper (Kmart) or something to help you tick off tasks to get more productive and feel better. Put a timer on and do a task for 30 mins helps me sometimes. Or putting on a podcast and tidying up at the same time. 

Ok I am talking in circles haha. But you get what I mean.

Give it time. Take good care of yourself and make a few small changes to help you start to feel better. Talk about what's happening to gain perspective and strength. Then make the choices you need to make for yourself.

Pain is temporary. Loneliness hurts but also it's liberating. You can learn to feel ok alone. And once stable, you can even enjoy being alone more than being in a relationship. Make your life your own, living for yourself. Then also remember that being alone makes way for the right person to come along when you're ready and able to make a good choice for the next partner. More time with the wrong one, means you're not open to the right one... And you could really be missing out. Imagine in ten years you are with someone nicer, who respects you more. And you have worked on yourself and feel better too.