Alone and Acceptance

[Indra]

This weekend was the first for me to be fully alone. Children were away and the house was very empty and quiet.

I tried to keep myself busy, but you find yourself slipping back to thinking in the negative. Tears were shed at random moments. The sting of a partner gone all to prevelant.

I then think to myself, well this is your lot in life, need to start preparing for a life alone. I truly feel that one should not have to be alone. Unfortunately with my circumstances that is a reality I am now facing. 

So what do you do when friends don't call back or you are limited in what you can join? BB is a great help, people listen and care, but the lack of physical contact can start to wear you down. I have a fear of if something happened to me - who would know? 

I know I am the only person who can change this - trying to find the inner strength to do this is the challenge. 

I wonder????

[Indra]

Hi Neil,

Humans indeed are strange creatures! I hear you with the rollercoaster of emotion this, and I like how you named it the mongrel process, puts you through. Like anyone, it would be bliss to be happy and carefree all of the time - but not meant to be I'm afraid for some of us.

The last couple of days have been pretty dark for me - a lot of self loathing and "what if's" going on. I think some of it does attribute from being cooped up and some is my situation. I think the loneliness is starting to really get to me. I'll just keep plodding along though.

Yep, entertaining my two has been a challenge - it has been a Spongebob marathon that's for sure!

My eldest son was away for the first week of the school holidays and is home now until the weekend- it's just how the cycle was ordered. He really does not like going, not much I can do at this point, unless returning to court. I just don't have the funds at the moment to challenge this. My youngest I have pretty much full time - his father shot through to Qld and it is only when the grandparents are free. He was supposed to go this coming weekend - but the father had sent a message saying he wasn't coming across - my miniman wasn't actually too fussed about it. He has a lot of anger towards him and that is sad for a 4 year old. I am currently dealing with professionals for this.

Anyway, good to hear from you and hope the week picks up,

Cheers,

Indra

[Neil_1]

Indra

I’ve just gotta put this in now:

Are you ready kids? "Aye Aye Captain"

I can't hear you! "AYE AYE CAPTAIN"

Oohh...

 Who lives in a pineapple under the sea?

 "Spongebob Squarepants"

Absorbant and yellow and porous is he!

"Spongebob Squarepants"

If nautical nonsense be something you wish

"Spongebob Squarepants"

Then drop on the deck and flop like a fish!

"Spongebob Squarepants"

READY?

 Spongebob Squarepants

 Spongebob Squarepants

 Spongebob Squarepants

 SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS! AH AHH AHH AHAHAHAHAHAHAHHH...

I’m really pleased to hear that you’ve got professional help happening and I really hope that it is also being of value to you and that you’re able to pick up coping mechanism and possible helpful hints along the way.

Kind regards

Neil

[Cat101]

Hi Indra,

I'm sorry to hear of your recent break up (been reading around), to me you still sound positive despite it all, and looking to the future. 

I just wanted to reply in terms of how I take care of myself when I'm alone. Of course there are alone days that are not so good, but I have learned that I must validate my own importance by doing the things that I like. Making time for myself and not feeling guilty about it. It was a slow process to achieve, but I feel I am finally finding a balance. My depression has always made me feel like 'I'm not important enough to count, or be remembered. Not good enough'. Slowly, with the help of my family and my psychologist I have learned that I do count and that I am important. Finally, I believe it! 

So, I knit, draw, write, garden, walk. I don't feel guilty about 'me' time and it helps me stay feeling well. Knitting (though my kids tell me is a Nanna hobby) gives me a sense of creativity and achievement. I like colours, so I keep things bright and cheery. Sometimes, knitting outside in the sunshine is enough. Sometimes complicated things to keep my brain busy, sometimes easy things to keep my hands busy.

The day I accepted my depression/anxiety as a part of who I am is the day I started to be able to move forward. Now I don't care what people think about what I do so long as I don't hurt anyone and it makes me happy, what does it matter. I understand your children are younger and have special needs so your time is more limited than mine as my children are older.....but my point is I guess, you need to take time to do stuff you enjoy to keep 'you' going.

I wish you inner strength with your personal struggles and joy in your heart.

😊Cat.

[Indra]

Hi there Cat,

Thank you so much for sharing with me. I am really glad to hear that you are on a positive path and have implemented a lot of things to help you along the way! I will be able I to find some "me" time now that my boys are back at school and kindegarten. That will be the gym and attending to a pile of unread novels!! I commend you with the knitting - I am very craft challenged - it skipped a generation with me!!

It has been hard for us - but the hurt is slowly starting to fade - my strength is my boys and I hope that one day the joy does come back to my heart!

Thank you again,

Indra

[Neil_1]

Hi there Indra

Ok, so the school hols are now over and I guess, much to their dismay, all the children are back to their respective schools.  Great news for some, while others, I guess aren’t so fussed.

I do hope your boys enjoy their school and hope they have a few good friends/mates as well.

I sure hope that you’ll be able to start hitting the gym soon, and also take up with some of those good books as well.

I have no doubt that your enjoyment will come back – I can feel it’s there, just under the surface and just needs a little encouragement to come out.

Ps:  Cat, thank you for coming along and writing, your post was a lovely one with great examples.

Kind regards

Neil

[Indra]

Hi Neil!

Firstly - thank you so much (denote the hint of sarcasm) for the Spongebob song - I do actually know this one off by heart - we have been watching this for 15 years now and have oh about 300 episodes lol

Sometimes I prefer the boys being home - but after 2 and a half weeks - this was my first child free day today - which I spent tidying the house!! Back in to the swing of it - I miss not having to rush around in the mornings, the upside of the school holidays.

I have just gotten the two new books I ordered online - so I really must get back into the reading and not let them become dust collectors haha

Thank you for the positive thoughts - I am fighting to scratch away at that surface - a little at a time - finding my smile again would be nice. I did appreciate Cat swinging past and her lovely words of encouragement. BB is such a caring place - we are all lucky to have found it.

Onwards and upwards,

Cheers Neil,

Indra

[Neil_1]

Hi Indra

Glad you “enjoyed” the lyrics from Spongebob – I must admit, for me, I had to google the lyrics after about 6 months of having it on in the background, cause I never fully knew what the words were;   so as I do with songs on the radio, I kind of make them up and boy oh boy, it’s always so surprising to find out what the “real” words were.

Case in point was the song by Toto a number of years back, I think it was called Africa.  In the chorus, there was a line that I used to sing:

“There’s nothin’ that a 100 men from Mars could ever do” and wasn’t I surprised when I found out the actual line was:

“There’s nothin’ that a 100 men or more could ever do” !!

Hey, that’s great to hear about the books that have come through – and that you’ve also done some home cleaning/tidying.  I know for me, it’s such a huge thing for the mind to get things looking tidy.  Hell, even if I just straighten the doona on the bed and make it “look” like the bed’s made underneath.

Indra, yep, just a matter of keep on chipping away – finding the things we can do and do them.  Little goals and little steps forward.   Positive thoughts, positive energy AND hopefully your smile will come back soon.   You know, I reckon it’s there anyway, and you just don’t realise.  Next time you see your boys, just focus in on what your face is doing – I’ll bet there’s an awesome smile there.

Kind regards

Neil

[Indra]

Hi Neil,

I am a real stickler for correct lyrics to music - it's just me lol I was conversing with TMB (as we do with music) and similar conversation topic. It is actually called a "mondegreen" - I am a wealth of a lot of general facts haha I think one of the most misheard lyrics is from Jimi Hendrix's Purple Haze - I know I double checked that one myself when I was younger lol

Looking forward to some reading and it is groundhog day here when it comes to cleaning - I swear my 4 year old is untidy on purpose or when I pick up something - he will pull it straight back out lol I have the conflict - my elder son who has ASD is a bit of a neat freak (not complaining, until I can't find what he has put away!) but miniman frustrates the hell out of him sometimes with the mess! Anyway - I think a lot of people go through the same drama!!

Feeling a lot better today - good to have friends on here that can make me smile! As too with my dynamic duo!

Cheers for the positive Neil!

Much appreciated,

Indra

[Neil_1]

Hi Indra

I love that – someone who knows the lyrics.   I wish I was more like that.   But when I do find out the right words, oh boy, it’s excitement time plus.

Yes yes, that sounds good with the elder son, being a neat freak – and damn funny to read where you sometimes struggle to find things that “he’s” put away.

Often times when I do the washing etc and it’s all put away;   my daughter will find things from my partners clothes in her draws and vice versa.  That’s quite amusing too.

Neil

[Indra]

Hi Neil,

I got a chuckle with your putting the washing away in the wrong place. I think we all have been guilty of this! Although I have to shake my head at myself when I have put my eldest son's socks (mens 11-14) into miniman's draw.

I have always had a love of music and words - they compliment each other nicely. It's an art in itself - which helps me, as I am art and craft challenged in the conventional sense lol So literature it is!

The weekend has been a long one - my boys decided to annoy each other for most of it - aah siblings! It has been annoyingly cold again - roll on Spring! Hope your weekend went well for you and your family!

Cheers,

Indra