A Sad Tale

[amd1953]

Once upon a time, I used to think how wonderful it would be to be normal, like everyone else around me.   To fit in and be accepted for who and what I was.   As a child I watched adults for clues on how to behave and what to say to get through life.   I actually looked up to some of them as role models.   But as a child I was always on the outside, looking in.   Always the punchbag or the scapegoat or the object of ridicule and humiliation.   Always told what to do.   Always kicked in the head when I need reassurance about myself.   The bullying got worse at high school and it did have an effect on me.  I tried to put on a brave face and be happy as though I didn't care if the other kids liked me or not.   I used to tell myself that when I became an adult everything would change for the better.   Good luck with that one Charlie Brown.   Even to this day, I have not discovered one person who has seen me face to face, looked me in the eye and given me the thumbs up for being me.   Not once.   Never.   Ever have I received the nod of approval.   With the exception of my friend Emotions26 on this forum I have no one else to talk to on this planet.   How sad is that?   I've tried being me.   I've tried putting myself out there.   All to no avail.   Nobody wants to know.   Nobody cares.   I just don't fit anyone's idea of a human being.   I used to see myself as a Quasimodo like figure, swinging through the rafters in the Notre Dame Cathedral.   Watching everyone else going about their business and living their lives and being happy.   I used to ask myself over and over and over again.   What is wrong with me that I am invisible.   Am I such a wretched human being that I am shunned and despised so readily by everyone I meet?

Well, I have all the answers now because I am older and wise than I have ever been before.   I know that everyone has good and bad days and how a person feels about themselves is reflected on the community they inhabit.   There doesn't have to be something wrong with me for people to be hypocritical, selfish and rude.   So now, I have cleared my mind of all the reasons why I used to hate myself.   Now I have finally reached the age where I just don't care what goes through other people's minds or what they think of me.   That is now history.   It's gone.   Now I am retired, I don't have to fight with people at work everyday or continually prove what a wonderful guy I am.   At last I am free to be me.

Finis.

[geoff]

Hello Amd, and can I thank Emotions26 for the support you have offered.

From what you have said, it's been a hard road for you in every direction which is so sad to hear about.

Other people have made up their own minds, but this doesn't mean they are correct, however, what they do say determines how we react and then how we feel, which then, in turn affects how we feel.

The only way to avoid this is by having the strength to bounce off what they've said, but at times this doesn't happen nor does it allow us to move onwards.

As you are now retired, you are free to do what you want to do and what you want to be involved in, and if it doesn't suit you, then you can move onto something else, or perhaps you're more comfortable being on your own and there is nothing wrong with this as I tend to be by myself the majority of the time, as I have leukemia, I sleep much more these days.

Can I ask what you want to do in retirement.

Geoff.

Life Member.

[amd1953]

Hello Geoff, Thank you for you comments on my recent post.   The hardest part is not knowing the reasons why some people behave the way they do.   Perhaps I am asking too much to be able to understand it all.   I am just too soft and sensitive by nature to allow things to bounce off me.   I have never gone out of my way to provoke anyone else, either verbally or physically and if I was the kind of person who found pleasure in disrupting other people's lives I would expect to receive the same treatment back.   When I was young and attending the various levels of school, I tried to get on with everyone but, for me, it was an uphill battle.   It might sound a little melodramatic, but I have had a torturous life wondering why I am always the target of someone else's malevolence.  Retirement provided the perfect antidote by allowing me to drop out of sight and find some kind of peaceful existence in my life.   My current situation is almost perfect because, as you say, I am able to do what I want when I want to.   There have never been such times.   So in that respect, I am very thankful.  However, I would not wish one second of my life on anyone else.   I am only bringing it up now because it might help someone else in a similar situation cope with the hate and spite.   Feeling that you stand out from the crowd for all the wrong reasons is not a pleasant experience.   However, now I am older and wiser, I realise that I will never be able to erase it from my mind.   I very rarely leave my house because I am more than happy to stay out of everyone's way.   I am surrounded by neighbours who ignore me so it is a win/win situation.   Yes, I am very comfortable living on my own.   I invest my time in building a model railway and with a few other interests, I find they all keep me very happy and contented.   I couldn't ask for anything more than that.

Regards Amd

[therising]

Hi Amd

I feel for you so deeply as you consider how you've faced so many of the wrong kinds of people who can enter our life. When they appear one after the other, in the form of torment, judgement, unfairness, selfishness and more, it is so much for a child and adult to manage and manage without guidance. I think sometimes it is only our wiser self that comes to recognise all for what it is.

I feel to be sensitive can be like a gift and a curse at the same time. To sense cruelty so easily, to sense injustice, to sense a depressing lack of guidance and so much more can mean to sense what is too much to bear at times. Eventually the question comes to beg 'Why can no one else seem to sense all that?'. The simple answer relates to insensitivity. When you realise only the most sensitive people can feel all that's wrong, you know you are a member of the most unique people who can come to exist. You are a member, with a sense of belonging. You belong to those who feel life in the ways you do and that can be a beautiful thing to feel. There is a unique form of love and gentleness to it.

[geoff]

Hello Amd, sometimes some of us only find peace when we become older and it's not your fault other people have treated you this way, it could be that we have been in a difficult era, school, workforce where others only care about their own objectives and not about anyone else, but these people will have their own problems in life as they experience their own life experiences, whether they admit to it is up to them, but the longer they hide it the worse they will become.

I also have a train set but don't have the room to set it up, I only wish I could, and my son has serviced all the metal engines, so they are ready to go.

I'm sure yours would be a great way to spend your time and only wish I could do the same.

Geoff.

Life Member.