Meltdowns, trust your observer

[white knight]

I had a major meltdown this week. I've been with Beyondblue for 10 years and a CC for 9, advising others of my lived experience, but nothing much helps when a meltdown comes along.

A small trigger is all that set me off, the tone of my wife's voice over where I'd left an empty soft drink can. During the following hour or so I was off the rails, my whole world was crumbling and at one stage had a swag packed. An indicator of the irrational thinking was that later I emptied that bag to find a change of clothes and a battery drill. I remember putting the drill in there, so why did I? Because I wasnt thinking straight at all.

My wife was repeating herself a lot "its not real, Tony you are exploding everything in your mind" and "it's just a can". I was saying "it's how you said it". Yes, I'm extremely sensitive but to the point whereby a tone of voice can set me off like this is frightening.

A few days later I'm full of guilt and the reason is obvious, my reactions weren't justified but they are a reflection of 1/ the level of illness my depression can reach 2/ triggers are a topic I need to discuss and find ways to avoid and 3/ I should listen to my carer and friends as to what is reasonable and what I'm catastrophising.

The core of my issue is that while catastrophising I'm trying to justify my actions and reactions with beliefs that it isnt my fault, defending myself to the end. But when it happens again I'll remember those words "its not real", because that will tell me my reactions are way off the charts. 

This event told me that regardless of our experience in mental health that we are not protected from the elements of our illness, the same symptoms all those with depression get. Yes, I fooled myself into believing I'd mastered the diversion necessary to avoid these events. 

So there is positives in every event and in this instance I will endeavour to "trust my partner" for her observations and judgement. Meltdowns are hard to combat but a good carer deserves our trust, faith and perspective. The least my carer deserves is for me to chill out, take time alone to settle and share a cuppa with a calm talk.

Comments?

TonyWK

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Tony,

I’m sorry you went through that experience but so glad you can talk about it and see positives from it in terms of learning from it.

Earlier today I was watching a YouTube clip of Gabor Mate being asked about ways of dealing with rage, which is often what is happening in a meltdown. It was helpful I thought and one thing particular he brought up might be a helpful strategy for you (it is for me). It’s an approach he mentioned from the Buddhist psychologist Tara Brach which uses the acronym RAIN, which stands for:

R - Recognise

A - Allow

I - Investigate

N - Nurture 

So if caught in a meltdown it’s like slowing yourself down enough to recognise firstly that a meltdown is happening. Next you allow yourself to feel what is going on inside your body and what those feelings are like. This leads to the next step which is to investigate those feelings just by being curious about what they are. Curiosity shuts down the traumatised parts of the brain and can lead to us starting to rebalance. Then finally as we recognise and become curious about our bodily sensations (all emotions being stored and activated through the body) we can begin to nurture ourselves with kindness and understanding which further rebalances us and soothes and calms us down.

I just thought that approach may be helpful. If interested I saw it in a 7 minute long clip which you should find if you google “Dr Gabor Mate on How to Process Anger and Rage/The Tim Ferriss Show”.

 I also experience meltdowns but differently in that they are entirely internalised (implosion instead of explosion). They are like rage attacks that turn inwards, so no one else would even know about it. But I get how they are involuntary and come upon you. Mine are just starting to heal as I’m going through healing some deep, lifelong wounds, though they can still come upon me but I can de-escalate them a bit now.

Gabor Mate might be an interesting person for you to look at. He describes going into a meltdown one day when his wife was not able to pick him up from the airport. I’ve seen him talk about it in a clip in some detail somewhere but can’t immediately find it.

Mental illness can be at least partly rooted in childhood trauma experiences. Sometimes what’s viewed as genetic is actually epigenetic, in the gene expression rather than the genes themselves. This is a really promising area of research, especially as gene expression is something that can change and heal. Can’t explain further here as will run over word count!

Hope you are doing and feeling much better.

[quirkywords]

Tony That is one of the most evocative and powerful pieces of writing I have read on the forums. You share so honestly and with so much insight what happened and what you learnt.

i have always been very sensitive and rather than react I can cry and feel overwhelmed.
Like you I can help others but sometimes lack insight with my own life.

Tony you help so many with your honesty.

[white knight]

Thamkyou eagle Ray, I'll google that.

Quirky,  oh my friend thankyou for your nice words.

TonyWK