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Accepting depression…
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Today was a very low day…I think it is the point I am accepting that I can’t push it down anymore and accepting I am depressed.
I have been an angry at my partner for causing my sad moods while he may trigger the feeling he is not responsible for how deep I fall although I still blame him when I’m in that full moment of darkness.
I am so tired. I don’t want to get out of bed. I walked the dogs and cried and panicked the whole time, this used to be my way to relax! I was physically exhausted by the end it felt like the dogs carried/dragged me home.
I was just low and teary all the way to work. Took me 40 minutes to stop the tears and make myself get out of the car.
I struggled all day with a gapping hole in my chest. I came home and slept for 2 hours at 4 in the arvo.
One small negative email came through and sends me back into a dark hole again, crying and drained.
this is me today…and many days now more like this then there is good. I don’t actually know what to do now….that’s why I am here… maybe just writing it down will help, but any advice would be appreciated.
I haven’t always felt this way. I have always been hard on myself but not this low and drained and tired. I did have brain surgery a few years ago, then a seizure and now I’m taking keppra which may contribute but I think it’s beyond that now.
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Dear Brain_fog,
It’s really good you are reaching out at this time when you are feeling so low. Have you been able to discuss it yet with a GP or getting any psychology/counselling support? It’s worth reaching out to different supports to try and get to the source of depression and ways you can treat it.
In late October last year I plunged into a very dark anxious depression that was worse than what I’d experienced before. After a couple of weeks or so it dawned on me it might be hormonal as I’m at perimenopausal age. I had a blood test that confirmed my oestrogen had significantly dropped. That tends to take out serotonin as well, making bad depression much more likely. Apparently some women are much more affected than others in terms of anxiety/depression. You may not be of that age, but thought would just mention it in case it’s a possibility.
Are you able to sleep at night? It sounds like you are experiencing exhaustion in the day and sleeping then. I’m experiencing brain fog at the moment as well and am having to rest/sleep in the day. I’ve been very teary and experiencing depression also but at least that part has improved in recent days. So anyway I empathise!
Your symptoms seem to have a strong physiological component of being drained and exhausted to a level which sounds like it’s more than you’ve previously experienced, so it would be definitely good to see a GP who can at least run some tests. I‘ve found it helpful to keep reaching out to supports. I know it’s very easy to isolate when feeling that bad. There is the BB Helpline 1300 224 636 if you need to chat and they have web chat too. Hopefully others here will chime in with some thoughts and ideas.
Doing nurturing things for yourself can be helpful. I’ve just started going to a Bowen therapist again which helps give the nervous system a reset. I’m also giving myself permission to totally rest as much as possible.
I know it’s no fun what you’re going through so sending you warm wishes and kind thoughts. Take care and go gently.