A long walk....

[OU812]

First time poster,

 psychologist gave me some web pages to check out after sitting some sessions , part of my mental plan ,where to begin....

 it has been an exhausting few years, I seem to be in a downspiral at the moment , suffering from depression, anxiety and sleep issues.

 i currently have this sleep issue, a dream which has occurred a few times exactly the same way where I am thinking that I could die if I swallowed something in a way and in my dream I swallow it and I wake up gasping for air , this scares the crap out of my wife.

 i think these issues I have are taking a toll on my wife,I'm worried all the time that this might be too much for her. I try to explain things to her the best I can, I just always seem to be in a flat mood all the time, sometimes some glimpses of happiness, but doesn't seem to last long .

 I have 2 children on the autism spectrum, my son had a head operation when he was very young due to his head fusing too quickly when he was born, they are great kids - I do try to give them whatever I have left at the day.

 i am struggling at the moment to see them, I have been doing shift work for the last 6 years and 14 days a month I don't see them or am in a limited state of mind.

 i do the shift work because it's comfortable for me, I don't see a lot of people during the time only for overlapping hours from normal shift workers for a coupe of hours later in the morning or first thing in the Arvo.

 from what I do I don't seem to be open with people , only when they are in my direct path , I wouldn't call myself a very sociable person, I try, I just don't think people see that in me and I suppose I have missed out on a lot of opportunities.

 i suppose it really comes down to me being confident which I have never had due to a bad relationship with my father, it's weird now.. Only now at the end is my father tolerable , we get along but I can still see the bad things I seen as a child, now I just feel sorry for him and disappointed .

i think mostly about regrets these days.

 i remember when I was around 15 I had a girl come up to me, this is a girl I had the biggest crush on , she asked me out and I asked " are you serious?" She ran off and cried, I assume I said this the wrong way as I would have said yes if I thought it wasn't a prank or something. I tried to explain but her friends wouldn't let me near her.

 lots of little things in my head, sorry if this is all over the place and a long read .

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[Jacko777]

Hi OU812,

Welcome to the Beyond Blue forums mate, I am glad you are talking to us and don't be sorry, get it all out. 

I'm glad you are seeing a psychologist, you are working through your stuff and the more you think and talk about it the more you can see how it affects you now and how you can change your future. Lots of things that need to be addressed and responded to with calm and rational thinking, I think a lot of us have been there and for me I have improved my life greatly by taking small steps, making small changes, replacing the negative with positive and creating new pathways in the mind. It's all doable and with practice and support you will change your life for the better. Much better.

Regrets...I decided a while back that I wasn't going to lose energy to something that I can't change, I take it on board as a lesson and therefore it is positive and makes me a better smarter person. You can create your future by focusing on what you do in the present moment, leave history out of it, be the person you want to be in each moment. Replacing negative with positive has been huge for me, I was pretty negative a lot of the time, find the positive in every moment, be thankful for whatever you have.

Anyway, stay plugged in to your professional advice, give it your best shot and know that you can talk to us here any time, we care that you are well mate.

Jack

[Jacko777]

You could check out some dream meanings on the web, I found this one on dreammoods.com...

'To dream that you swallow something indicates that you are holding back your feelings or words. You may feel unable to express your anger. Alternatively, the dream may be a metaphor that you need to swallow your pride in some situation.'

I find that once I get the meaning of a dream, they stop.

Those glimpses of happiness, nurture them, extend them, find what causes them and immerse your self.

Jack

[OU812]

Thanks Jacko for the kind words.

 i am still moving forward with things, I am trying to not think about the past.

 i do have this issue where I am doing things without the "what if scenarios"

 so hard doing things without thinking about the negative side to each choice.

 i would like to make more solid decisions but a lot of the time something is holding me back.

someone broke into our house recently stole my wallet and car keys , I felt overwhelmed when I received a call from the police telling me it was trashed and a total write off, I felt a rush of anxiety and for the last week Have had major twitching all over .

 I have to buy another car, I was insured but they never give you back enough to actually buy the same car.

 so I have to borrow some money again which is always a worry,