My dark passenger

[lunadappio]

I think of my depression as a dark passenger that arrives whenever he feels like it, for a journey. It can be a long trip or occasionally a short one.  I have been able to avoid him for a while but there he is again, taking up a space in the car for a ride.  I have been managing my depression and anxiety without medication or counselling for a few years now.  I try to look after myself but at the moment it is getting harder.  I am finding it hard to see the positive in anything, including myself.  The panic is rising and it gets harder to keep it under control.

I just felt like i needed to find a place to speak, without judgement.  It can be hard in our lives to feel that we can speak about our feelings without people making light of our circumstances.  I have been reading posts on here all day and I think this place is amazing. I would love to hear from others who have a passenger with them or understand what I mean.

[Paul]

Hi lunadappio, Welcome!

I completely understand what you mean about having a passenger in a car - an unwelcome one!

I usually refer to mine as the black dog, or the dark fog. Sometimes the dog is just a puppy other times it's a great dane. It's difficult to know when he'll visit, I, like you just try to catch any thinking that may cause me to invite the dog to bite. Sometimes that doesn't work and I go and hide in my bed. Only my cat is allowed in then and  I simply have to wait for the dog to lose interest and leave.

So, yes, I hear you!

Paul

[janazantar]

Welcome and this is a place where you can connect with people who would be reading your post and nodding along in complete agreement. My own dark passenger has been hitching a ride for the last 3 months and just when I think it's lifting some unkind word or gesture can make it come flooding back full force - like today. It can be hard to manage without medication or counselling but its a great step to come on here and talk, read others stories and get some compassionate understanding. Depression is a really cruel, isolating disease that while public awareness to reduce the stigma is ongoing, I wonder if people who haven't experienced it are becoming desensitised to those who do. My first 2 depressive events I too avoided medication and counselling cause I had unhappy events in my life and didn't think I had the right to feel sorry for myself. I was lucky to have an awesome GP who persisted with me in understanding more about the disease and finally I accepted anti depressants. They helped me feel better (once I got over the terrible side effects, about 2 weeks) and from where I was I felt as good as I thought I ever would. It wasn't until another visit with the black dog that I also sought counselling and then I started to truly improve. If you ever do think of getting some counselling you'll notice how many people on this site will advise you to find one that you connect with. This is really important and don't settle if the first one you see you don't feel a connection. Even with medication and excellent counselling my black dog is back and it's been the worst one yet. People with depression are really strong though they don't feel it. We persist when feeling anxious and over thinking everything. It's easy to tell yourself 'don't worry about it' but you can't cause the very thing you need to help you get better, is the very thing that is letting you down.  My counsellor says just when your brain is sick you're asking it to work harder and it can be an emotional roller coaster ride and some days I long for the numbness that I've experienced in the past. A support group is so important which is what I've found here on BB. If I say I had a bad day and can find no reason to suffer any longer I know people here really understand and aren't going to freak out and have me committed or try and 'fix' me. Sometime the connection to people who understand helps with the loneliness and I've drawn a lot of courage and strength from people here - I hope you do too.  

[Neil_1]

Hi there lunadappio

Welcome to Beyond Blue and it’s great you’ve received a couple of great responses already.

I read your post and the first thing that jumped out at me from your heading was the hit tv series, Dexter.  Not sure if that’s where you conjured up your term for your evil thing, the dark passenger, as Dexter in the series has his “own dark passenger”.  Sorry, slight digression there.

But I do like your term and how you described it.  For my own, I guess I just have gone with the common theme of “black dog”.  I also have a tatt on my left arm that depicts my black dog;   with a large chain that wraps around my forearm and enters, what I call “my kennel from hell”.  It’s an evil looking kennel, with the entrance darkened out and sitting in the middle of the black are two evil red eyes.

I must say that I tip my hat to you though – for being able to manage and deal with your depression and anxiety, pretty much on your own.  With no meds or counselling.  That’s one helluva huge effort.  I’m guessing by where you say, you try to also look after yourself, that you have other mechanisms in place, perhaps fitness in some respect (that can even just be walking), music, having good family around, etc?  It’s always not only good, but interesting to find out how others deal and manage their issues.

Another awesome thing about this site is that by being on here, you never stop learning as well – by being able to pick up other things from others as well.

Would really like to hear back from you and also hopefully you’ll be able to push the dark passenger out of the car – at speed, so he won’t be in too much of a hurry to climb back in next time.

Cheers

Neil