Maintaining relationships when suffering with depression

[Setsail001]

Hi everyone..I'm new and not sure if a similar thread already exists but if it does, I couldn't find it!I'm in my mid twenties and I've struggled with depression and anxiety since I was 15. As you all probably know what it feels like - the ups and the terrible downs and then the ups again, it's gone on and on and I try my best to remain positive although some days, the best I can do is just get out of bed. For the last 5 months, I've been in a relationship with a lovely guy. This is my first serious relationship in about 8 years. But on my bad days when I can't stop crying I want to push him away and I want to break it off with him so he doesn't have to deal with me and my depression.

 have any of you struggled with this? Any tips? Thanks

[white knight]

Hi Setsail, welcome here.

I agree with you, relationships for the mentally ill is much more of a challenge. In my case (I'm 59yo) I've joined many motoring clubs over the years. I've learned the lessens how to avoid bullying by treading gently with new introductions for example, embrace the kind and understanding types and try not to be my outspoken self. It's not easy but one must try to limit ones contact with strangers. We are vulnerable and easy pickings. Some say "grow a thick skin" ...I haven't found thick skin growing medication yet!!

But we with mental struggles don't stop to think that those without such struggles often have other issues to deal with that they often don't face...like if they themselves have mental issues and are in denial, gambling, alcoholism, anger, bullying, sarcasm, lack of taking responsibility, criminality, lack of education, etc. I once wrote an article in these pages called "and what are their mental illnesses"  you can find it by googling - topic:and what are their mental illnesses beyondblue    it covers for example that a bully might well have a mental illness.

This leads me to your relationship. Your new man is imperfect, he is human so he must be. So he has faults. Yet you didn't mention any of them?? Why not? because you think your faults are so bad, having depression is so terrible that you are unworthy of his partnership of you. I suggest you discuss this with him openly and honestly. Don't be afraid. If the worst case happens where you are rejected then he wasn't for you anyway.

We all deserve a partner if we want one, depression or not. And we all have faults that are not of our choice.

You are not abnormal. You are normal with depression.

Tony WK

[Hypatia]

Hi Setsail,

I'm new here too, and my partner has depression. It took me a long time to realise that when he is depressed he feels too guilty/worthless to be with me, and that hence he will withdraw, and not ask for help he needs. It took me a long time because I can see how crazypants that is, as he is a wonderful person that I feel lucky to be with, even though some days he can't get out of bed. I'm betting your bf feels the same way about you.

If you feel strong enough - when you feel strong enough i.e. on a good day - it might help to talk to him about the depression, including that when you have a bad day you feel like pushing him away. It might take him a while to process it, but I'm guessing he will want to help. Maybe you can make a "bad day" plan together, so he can remind you that you make him happy. Talking about things is not usually easy, but it can really make things easier for both of you.

[Setsail001]

Hi white knight

 thank you for your reply. Yep you're right - he has flaws too but I do consider myself unworthy of the love he shows me. And you're right - I'm normal with depression. Thanks

[Setsail001]

Hi Hypatia

Thank you for your reply. It's really helpful to hear from someone who is experiencing it from the other side. A "bad day" plan is a really good idea too. You sound very supportive of your partner just like my boyfriend is of me, he's lucky to have you.

 when I get in those moods though, I feel so worthless and unlovable and I just feel like it's only a matter of time before he gets fed up and too frustrated to continue to try to be with me. I've been really open and honest about this with him and he says it won't get to that point but I just don't want to bring him down that way. 

 Is there anything that your partner says/does to make it easier for you to cope with? I just want to try to do as much as I can to soften the pain for him as well.

Thanks

k

[Hypatia]

I'm sorry k, I missed this response somehow.

It's hard to know exactly what to say because I don't love him any less when he's sick - any more than he does when I am (I get kidney stones, for example, which mean I need a lot of care). Depression *can* be hard to be around, but so is a messy stomach bug or lots of other things.

But when I am finding it hard to cope, it helps if he: tells me that he likes having me around (feeling like you are doing the wrong thing is a big deal for loved ones, so this helps); does something simple for me - make a sandwich or a cup of tea, or even get me a glass of water - that reminds both of us that he looks after me too; asks me how I am doing - often he has no energy to listen to a detailed answer, but making the effort makes a difference.  They aren't big things, but they matter. Sometimes, it's just if I smile at him, and he makes an effort to return the smile - that'll do, even when he fails.
What doesn't help - in fact quite the opposite - is trying to pretend he is better than he is. This just makes me anxious, and distrustful and makes me feel useless and untrusted. It means I go into perpetual alert, trying to work out if he is ok or not, and that really sucks. Honesty, and being trusted, much, much easier to cope with.
I'll be honest, there are few things as hard as watching someone you love in pain you can't help. So let him help. Know if he's frustrated, it will be with this illness that is attacking his wonderful partner. Tell him he's doing a good job, and you want him around. Try to trust him more than your depression (I know that is hard) - it certainly sounds like he is worth it.

So many hugs! So brave to seek advice.

[Setsail001]

Thank you for your response Hypatia, I really appreciate if and it will help me in the future when I'm losing the plot.. It's also really lovely that you can see past your partner's depression and to him.

Thank you!

k