Worst Joke Wednesday

[Neil_1]

Hi all

I know a while back there was a thread with some jokes on it - just to try and lighten the load for folk and to provide a few jolly japes and spiffy spifferoons (those words etched in my memory bank from the late and great Kenny Everitt).  However, I was far to lazy to try and find the other thread, so thought I'd start up a new one WJW.

Here we go people, something to start you off with:

"When I was a small boy, I had a dog named Tax.  I'd open the door and "Income Tax""

"That very same year, I had a bird called Enza.  I'd open the window and "Influenza"

Now, they can't be done on any other day - for it is after all, Worst Joke Wednesday.

See if you can beat either of those?

[Neil_1]

Dear Sparkles

That's great - but hey, why only a 'small smile' - some of these are bordering on gold !!  🙂    The Captain Cook one was a rippa !  🙂

I'm way out of whack here, but Wednesday is too far away.

"Did you hear about the magic tractor?  It was driving along the road when it turned into a paddock!"     [You may have to think outside the box on this one].

[Neil_1]

A young up and coming executive was walking along the corridor;  when one of his female colleagues, says "Hey, your garage door is open".

He thinks, "what the ...?"  and goes on, a bit confused.   Half an hour later, the two encounter each other again, and with the lady saying the same thing:  "Hey, you know, your garage door is open".

The guy wanders off, pondering what she's talking about - and then he sees a mate of his who says, "Hey dude, you know your fly is open!"

Lightbulb goes off in his head and he goes back to the lady and says, "Ahhhh, now I know what you were talking about.  And just out of interest, did you see a bright red Porsche that has all the trimmings?"

To which the lady replied, "Nope, I saw a broken down Vee Dub with 2 flat tyres".

[SubduedBlues]

Fact: 

Witzelsucht is a mental disorder that causes the sufferer to compulsively make inappropriate jokes or puns.

Joke: 

The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test.

Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?" 

A young man in the rear raised his hand and answered, "A basketball coach?"

[Neil_1]

Hey there Dudes and Dudettes;  it's time for:

Why do ghosts love elevators? Because they lift their spirits!

I sold my vacuum the other day…all it was doing was collecting dust!

Why did the scarecrow get promoted? He was outstanding in his field!

What did one wall say to the other? Meet you at the corner!

[Neil_1]

An old bloke goes to the doc and says, “Doc, I’ve got a couple of problems with me”.

Doc – “Ok, let’s hear them”.

Old bloke – “Well, every morning at 6am, I empty my bladder – like clockwork”

“And then at 7am, like clockwork, I do Number Two’s as well”

Doc – “Well, that’s very good of you for doing that.  What is your problem then?”

Old bloke – “It’s just that I don’t get out of bed till 8am!”

And this one:   there may be a joke about it, but I’ve just made it up:

I used to have a business in Origami, but after getting no customers, it basically folded.

[Neil_1]

Oh oh, and as it's still Wednesday:

Did you hear about the wedding reception held on the moon?

The food was great, but there was just no atmosphere !

[AGrace]

Oh my gosh, just scraping in in time!

So there are 3 cows in a paddock, and they're reading the front headline of the paper. "1 in 3 cows will get mad cow's disease!"

The first cow starts freaking out, "Oh no one of us is going to go mad! Oh no what are we going to do? Oh my goodness, I can't think straight, I don't want to get mad cow's disease!"

The second cow starts balling it's eyes out, "Oh no, I think this will be it for all cows. I don't know why I bothered getting up today, if 1 of us goes mad what's to say we all won't go mad? I think I'll just go back to bed, I'm too upset."

The first cow looks at the third cow, who's happily chewing away on grass and says "Aren't you worried about going mad?" The third cow replies "no, why should I be? I'm a bunny rabbit."

Happy Wednesday evening everyone:)

[AGrace]

Hi Guys,

It's not quite a joke, but I still think it's kind of funny. I'll refrain from using offensive language, but you can probably guess the word that comes at the end of each sentence.

My 4 moods:

1.I'm to old for this...

2. I'm too tired for this...

3. I'm too sober for this...

4. I don't have time for this...

[Magyarok]

Today is not Wednesday but it is International Talk Like a Pirate Day today which is a parodic holiday in which we should all talk like pirates to bring a bit of humour into our lives. 

So Ahoy me matey's i have a couple of really bad pirate jokes ...

What be having 8 eyes and 8 legs?  I say nay, it not be a spider ........ but it be 8 pirates!  Aarrrrr!!!

What's the difference between a hungry pirate and a drunken pirate?  One's a rumbling tummy and the other's a tumbling rummy! Aarrrrr!!!

Anyone else have any other pirate jokes?

Enjoy International Talk Like a Pirate Day!

Ahoy!

Dave

[Girl_Anachronism]

What is orange and sounds like a parrot?

A carrot. 

Yes yes, I know. I should be arrrrrrshamed.