Lifetime of depression

[DollyButtons]

Hi everyone,

First time posting. I have struggled with depression all my life. Traumatic childhood and loss of a child. 

I find I can manage myself sometimes but struggle and fall in a hole other times. I feel like my brain doesn't work as I can't seem to remember lots of things. People say to me " you??? You don't seem depressed you are always smiling. They don't understand what it takes to keep smiling. I'm overly critical and don't like myself for that.

[Fiatlux]

Hi DollyButtons,

How are you this evening?

I can definitely relate to having a traumatic childhood which led to a more traumatic adulthood.

What I can’t relate to is the loss of a child 🙏🏼   So I honestly don’t know what that would do to me except to say that I can’t imagine anything worse.

I suppose I lost my own childhood and have suffered terrible anxiety and loneliness which I suppose is depression. 

I always believed that having my children would fill that void of never ever feeling love and that it definitely did.

I can honestly say that I must have had depression all my life too except that I never had a name for it but I am certain that I have never ever felt loved by anyone.

My 36 year marriage has been abusive, violent and cruel. I used to plan ways of getting out to somehow save myself. But I am just too depressed to even make plans to get out so I plod along staying silent and avoiding my abusive narcissistic husband. Even this afternoon he told me that nobody liked me and that is why I have no friends. Lovely isn’t he…

Yes, me too. I have been so darn good at faking it until I couldn’t fake it anymore. I no longer have contact with any siblings or other family. I just can’t fake it anymore and nobody wants to hear about my depression anymore. 

Today my husband told me to go online and talk to my messed up friends on BB. So here

I am. Welcome to the family. Fiatlux 🙏🏼