Dreams

[lookingforme]

I'm not entirely sure how apt a discussion this is for beyondblue, but in the spirit of communication and reaching out which is encouraged, I thought I would write post up, get a few opinions or thoughts.

I should say, I'm tired all the time, especially in the mornings, it's very hard to get out of bed and think about the day that I have to face.  I've always attributed this to the kinds of dreams I have - more like nightmares, really - and being an active sleeper, thus not feeling rested in the morning.  This is no matter how much sleep I get.

I get these really vivid dreams, and almost always they feel too real to me, that when I wake up it's hard to let go of the memory.  They can be traumatic and stay with me the whole day.  And if I'm not distracted enough, sometimes without thinking about it, I'm re-immersed in the dream, and I can picture myself in it all over again.  Like some kind of virtual reality.  And it can get so bad that I start getting anxious that when I get older all I'll remember are my dreams and none of my life.  I really don't want that.  The dreams can get so bad that I question if I'm awake or not when I am awake.  I guess that in itself should be a clue that I am awake, because I don't really question my reality in my dreams.  And sometimes, I just don't want to sleep, though I'm thoroughly exhausted, because of what I may dream - and this can make it worse possibly?

I've spoke to a GP and relaxation was recommended to me, but according to people I know, I don't really know how to get rest.

I'm just wondering if other people have this issue?  And if so, how they cope?

[lookingforme]

Do you have anything that gets you out of your head?  

[Simona]

No.  I don't .

What does that feel like?  

[lookingforme]

I exercise.  Or have been for the past month.  I just needed something that I could translate my thoughts and emotions into, physically break myself down rather than mentally.  I'm not saying it always works but mostly it does.  And it's truly brilliant.  for 30 minutes to an hour all I focus on is what I'm doing.  The goals that exist for the duration of that exercise is all that exist in the world for that moment.  If it's just that right degree of difficult, the effort takes hold.  I feel lighter afterward.  I feel good.  Of course the endorphins kick in and that post workout elation happens.  In the end, it's more than the exercise.  Each time it's a reminder that I can achieve what I want, I can still function, I can still set and meet my goals, even if I have to do it in small increments.  

I've tried writing (I have a blog), I've tried sketching, but neither work as well.  With writing, rather than changing the focal point it became all of the same.  Dwelling.  Stewing in it.  Never really showing myself more than what I think I am. And the sketching.  My counselor encouraged it because of the mindfulness exercise it can be.  I end up being critical, and right now I don't have the proper environment for it (no privacy).  I also did photography, that did take me out of my head, let me see the world outside than the one in my head.  But recently everything has seemed so bleak.  So, I'm fighting for it again...with exercise this time.

I understand all too well about dreams that play during the day, sometimes to even wake up feeling you are in a dream, and not being able to tell what is real for a while.  And isolation.  To feel very alone and trapped in your head, and at the same time, not being able to, or convinced that you have to stay there.  Just unable to free your mind.  

 What are the things you think you can do, to get out of your current focus, if only for 5 minutes?

[Simona]

Aha.   Wow : )  So you write also.   And I think you're pretty nice or brave or both because not many people respond to me let alone share stuff and want to help me

Well I exercise too but I just walk a lot so there's still stuff rattling in the head.  And I clean the house and that's exercise too because I wash the walls down when I have excess energy.  I have a few packets of sugar soap wipes so I wax on/wax off 

What exercise do you do?

I tore my tum muscle couple of years ago so I can't do the 100 crunches anymore or the vertical sit-ups and for me it was also about the counting.   If I didn't hit a number I would be ruined for the day and I would ruin everyone else's in turn.   I didn't mean to though because I'm not an aggro person

And I know what you mean about the endorphin high. I live for that - when I hit that it's being wired and that is exhilarating like the S word 

I used to write but I don't know what a blog is meant to be about. Also I like writing here because I can be myself and it's fantastic.  And people can't threaten me here because i'm protected.

 I was writing my auto biography but I just can't finish it.  I can't write any poems anymore because I lost the emotion feeling and everything is automatic and sterilize .   I miss not being able to write poetry because I was so good at it . The ones I posted here are not recent 

I don't have friends in real time I relate to so I'm with myself.  There are lots of farming people here and they clump together like wool.   I was the only happy one the year the locusts came because for me they were incredible and during the day when I was alone and no-one was around I ran through fields of them because I loved how they just flapped around so fast.  And I was told not to be so 'damn' happy and 'immature' because people were hurting.  And I got people on the offensive but I was just being me

It's very hard for me to answer your question so I need to think about it more. I go from being wired to being numb and that's called flat lining. 

[lookingforme]

I dabble in a lot of things.  Don't think I do enough of anything for it to specifically define a lot of me.  And don't sell yourself short, you are putting yourself out there to be helped, and that is also brave.

 I do some weights, body weight exercises and running.  I do what I can, anything is better than what I used to do.  And yup, it is exhilarating.  

Blogs...generally have a subject.  I write mine on my mental health journey.  It helps me vent and it helps the people I know who are interested to know how I really am, rather than me just hiding behind "I'm okay, you know, the same"  I have my ups and downs, ad I did stop writing on a down because it all felt the same to me after a while.  

You are protected here, and it is a great place.  This is where my road to recovery started so...it's great that you're on here.

I find that when trying to get back to doing things that you once could do easily, is to take the pressure off. Don't weigh heavily success and failure based on how a piece of writing turns out. Maybe start writing to get used to just writing.  Write, maybe for the feel of writing.  Put down erratic sentences.  I have found that there is nothing so helpful as simply putting doubts and pressure aside to just get over that hurdle.  It was a big hurdle for me to start sketching again.  And to just doodle was hard.  When I took the pressure off and simply experimented, it was great.  

Have you thought about joining a writer's club or a class, to help you start again with writing and maybe to meet more like minded people?  Just an option, if you aren't ready for that, that's okay also.

That question was for you, you don't have to tell me anything.  But it certainly is good to think about.  I'll be here to respond anyway.

[Simona]

I have never done a 'Blog' .  I wouldn't know what to blog about but you have me intrigued now.  I like coming here because i want to belong.  And I think given time I will be able to communicate normally/casually and be helpful to others because i want to feel the empathy.

 I will write more soon  : )

[Simona]

Ok.   Just unable to sit still and focus

I want to say thank-you for your tips because....i really appreciate your kindness  : ) aha.   And  you sound very energetic & fit which is the only way to be

The blog thing: who does one blog to?    Do you just put it out into cyberspace and wait for it to be discovered?

ps : very early this morning I dreamt I was eating soft serve with Tarantino and he was explaining something I can't remember.   And he was wearing reading glasses. 

 ( I don't eat ice cream in real life but I like a scoop of gelati in my coffee which is = affogato)

[lookingforme]

It's no problem, really 🙂  Haha, do I?  It's not always but there you go.  

I pretty much do exactly that; put it into cyberspace.  I write for therapy, my stuff doesn't have to be discovered.  It all depends on what you want from it.  The difference I find about here and a blog is essentially how honest and raw I can be about what I feel.  Understandably, there is a monitoring system here, so that everyone can access it without triggers setting anyone off.  So, I essentially take my anonymity of my blog and have at it, every little detail.  It helps because, when I'm in a bad state and I'm anxious and feeling edgy and emotions reach a crescendo, I put all that I feel, and could never speak aloud, into words and it can take the edge off, which saves me from myself.  

If you want to blog, your audience depends on the subject of your blog.  It can be about anything.  

I had, not really a recurring dream but a recurring event in the dream.  I was in Sri Lanka, and the even was a tsunami, and as the dreams changed, the same event was repeated, but I was experiencing it from different places.  But in all of it, there was a mad panic and I had to run away.

[Simona]

Hello : )

I googled how to start a Blog.  There was a list with all these steps and suggestions.   I will go back to that webpage when I'm ready but for now I want to be amongst people here because I want to belong. And at this point in time blogging looks to me like a solitary pastime.   Ejecting my soul into space. I have no friends to blog to.  Here at least people know of me and that feels nice  : )

Wow I never dream of overseas places and I was born in Europe!

[Gruffudd]

I was hoping for dream interpretation, probably a good thing not to sometimes. I dream in my first language, Welsh. Last night was as confusing as ever. I was on an old train and I was washing the dishes in a wooden sink. They were blue and white but the pattern had worn to reveal patches of yellow clay, I realised that no matter how I scrubbed that is how the dishes were. I didn't mind, with their wear and age they were perfect, each plate had a story. Then the alarm went. I wonder what the meaning of washing dishes on a train is?