Who am I?
My father died when i was 10, and so was raised with 2 other sibblings by mum. We grew up in some form of poverty, so didnt have the same oportunities as my fellow classmates.
Very quick background, i know. It wasnt until i was in my 20s where i realised a lot and despised as much about my childhood.
All seemed to be going well until the panic atacks started when i went to uni in my mid 20s. These subsided after a short while, then flared ip when i had both my children and reflecting on not having a father growing up, which pains me imensely to this day. After having a very difficult and demanding period at work i fell in a hole, and was diagnosed with anxiety and depression, and quickly got put onto medication (which has helped with the Anx&dep)
Reflecting on my past, and my present, i have come to the conclusion that i have no idea who i am. How do i put my past behind me, how i settle my nerves,
How do i find me?
so many questions.
Hey Not_Batman, I just read your thread as I was browsing the forums.
I just wanted to pop in and say I'm really sorry you've dealt with a lot, but I'm glad you're still here, and I'm proud of you.
I'm sorry I can't offer any advice, but I'm here to listen and try to support you as much as I can.
Thinking of you.
Thank you so much mb20.
The last couple of days have been good. I still havent slept well, but after a few hours into work i have a burst of energy the sees me through the day.
i had a review of medication, and am to start another AD, and im not looking forward to what is coming, given what an ordeal i had last med change. The next 6 weeks will be interesting...
right now i am doing my best for the situation.
Hey hey my favourite Super Hero!
Alot going on for you atm! Huge hugs! 🤗
I just read your entire thread and want to join everyone else by saying OMG YOU ARE SO WORTHY!
You ROCK that ride on lawn mower! And even FIX the darned thing too!
I'm sure you have OTHER fine qualities too, Mrs Not_Batman has fine taste! 😉
Just a few points...
My specialist trauma psych told me last year that when she FIRST meets her patients, she ALWAYS has to work with them on their depression first and usually for up to 18 months, BEFORE she can begin working on the PTSD (which is basically extreme anxiety in PTSD form).
I didn't have depression when I saw her (which she found highly unusual) but I had spent 10y battling it on my own well before this. I certainly still have bouts in reaction to sad happenings.
Take whatever you want from that info.
Secondly, and PLEASE correct me if I'm wrong (it's happened a coupla times lol! just joking)...
You mentioned feeling overwhelmed a number of times.
Then mentioned one thing ie that situation where your worker was accused etc.
Anxiety can be a total wild rabid dog to reign in at times!
Anxiety takes a spark and creates wildfires left, right and centre.
Going back to baseline helps alot.
Writing exactly WHAT is overwhelming you in the MOMENT, then a potential solution or NO solution (like in a spreadsheet ABC columns) can place actual events / things / people in 'tangible' sight.
Some things we have zero control over, cross them off the list.
The more we work within our "circle of influence", the more stuff we get control over.
You CAN and WILL control your mind.
It's YOUR mind after all, you OWN it.
I found the Dr Joe Dispenza meditations awesome.
Also the works of Stephen Covey.
Living in the NOW and not trying to solve all the past issues you've had and ALL the future ones too in your drive to work helps.
im on the mend. I feel better, and my dep & anx are currently in the normal range. And my sleep habits have mostly returned.
Tay, stick with it, they may still be working, but not as effective. But if you are worried, definitely bring it up again with your Psych.
EM, your response was quite heartfelt, and sweet. I am aware of all of what you listed, but it is helpful to see it reiterated as often as needed.
I’m Not_Batman, and i have anxiety, depression and OCD.
its been a little over 12 months since my last big episode. There have been a few little blips along the way, and quite a lot of changes and challenges in life, but dealing with them so far so good.
Things at work are on average ok, but i still don't have the same relationships with people that i used to, which upsets me. These are people that i once respected, people that i looked upto once but are now the people i loathe. They have shown me their true colours.
I have had a lot to do with raising productivity in the past, but now when i make a suggestion, i get ignored or shut down, and the golden untouchables that treat people like garbage get all the glory.
I keep asking myself, is it time to move on and start my own business?!? Then i wont have to deal with the false ones, or the narcissists, or the A-holes, but that brings all sorts of anxiety.
this weekend our family spent time with our family friends, but i couldn't get myself to wake up, or get energised, which led me to be a bit withdrawn from everyone (not just my usual introverted self). If feel bad about it, and that i am just being a downer. I also feel bad about being a little irritable towards their and our kids at times. But rather than talking about it, ive internalised it, because i dont want to hurt the friendship.
Those seem to be my biggest problems at the moment. One feeds the other, though.
well, with that off my chest its time to take a deep breath, and get back to chorin’.
I have no resilience and it makes things very hard to move on from.
it seems to me that no matter how hard i try or what good things i do, my successes in work are seen as failures.
at home i start a job, and get 90% complete, then lose motivation.
Every time i get on top of my depression, something happens to put me back in the hole. This time its the threat to cut my project funding be 100%. So that makes me feel as though my job is worthless. Then i start to think that i’ll become redundant, then i think about the finances, and then it spirals.
i respond to the criticism politely to defend my case, and then i feel like the bad guy.