Who am I?

[Not_Batman]

My father died when i was 10, and so was raised with 2 other sibblings by mum. We grew up in some form of poverty, so didnt have the same oportunities as my fellow classmates.

Very quick background, i know. It wasnt until i was in my 20s where i realised a lot and despised as much about my childhood.

All seemed to be going well until the panic atacks started when i went to uni in my mid 20s. These subsided after a short while, then flared ip when i had both my children and reflecting on not having a father growing up, which pains me imensely to this day. After having a very difficult and demanding period at work i fell in a hole, and was diagnosed with anxiety and depression, and quickly got put onto medication (which has helped with the Anx&dep)

Reflecting on my past, and my present, i have come to the conclusion that i have no idea who i am. How do i put my past behind me, how i settle my nerves,

How do i find me?

so many questions.

[Not_Batman]

Today is the worst i have felt in a long time. According to my DASS21 my depression is extremely severe 😞

I woke up about an hour before my alarm and i just could not get warm. In the drive to work the anxiety was kicking in. All morning my mind was racing with negative thoughts and began to spiral out of control. Thats when the ideation kicked in...and that scared me the most. Panic attack 1 for the day.
i just got so overwhelmed with my workload that i was looking for any way out of it. I felt so alone, and worthless. I couldn't focus on any of my tasks.

Skip to an hour later, panic attack 2 coming on.I considered quitting, but my wife gave me some words of encouragement to keep me going.

at lunchtime i phoned lifeline, and spoke with a really nice lady. I explained what i was feeling, and i dont know how but she understood every teary gasping or air word.

spoke with my wife briefly again after that call.

after lunch i returned to work, trying to cover the fact the my eyes were raw from crying. I tell myself that nobody noticed, but i think some know. I cant talk to anyone at work about it. I dont want to have a black mark next to my name.

thoughts, thoughts, and more thoughts, . This time i do some mindfulness exercises to help me get back to reality. To help me focus, and to reassure myself.

the rest of the day i was like a zombie. So tired, that im almost falling asleep. Though i was a lot calmer.

what will tomorrow bring?

sigh.

NB

[Doolhof]

Hi NB,

Welcome to today! You are a survivor! You made it through yesterday! You had the courage to talk with your wife, to express how you were feeling. You had a need to call Lifeline, you talked to someone and showed a sense of self care. You stayed at work. You managed to drive there and back.

That took a lot to do all of those things! It may seem like it was an horrendous day, there were a lot of wins and positives in there as well.

I don't always find the bits of each day to be thankful for, but they are there. People tell me they are proud of me when I keep going, I don't know what there is to be proud about when part of my mind wants me to give up!

I find it tough around work and expressing my mental health issues. In some places I have worked and even volunteered, mental health issues have not been understood or tolerated. It is such a shame in this day and age that is the case.

Back to you. What can you tell yourself today that will help to boost your sense of self and well being? If you are having another tough day, can you tell yourself that is okay, it happens and try to find a way to just breathe and keep going without getting too tangled in the negatives. ( I am giving myself this same talk today!)

Do you have something planned for the weekend? Is there one thing you could do that would help add a sense of peace to your weekend?

Wishing you strength. Cheers from Dools

[Not_Batman]

Thank you Dools.

i hope nobody minds some running commentary, it helps a little to write it down...and if it helps someone else, even better.

im not normally an affectionate fellow, but when people try to help i get really emotional, so virtual hugs to everyone.

i had a good sleep last night, until 3am. Then i was restless and couldnt get warm. On the way to work i put on some positive affirmations, that i repeated all the way. I dont think it worked to pull me out of the low mood, but at least i could tell myself the positivity.

im not as bad as yesterday, but still not in the right mind. The sudden thoughts of ideation leave me as quickly as they came, and im left to pick up the pieces. They are the things that scare me the most.

all morning i was feeling way down, so i went for a walk as soon as it turned lunch time, and phoned lifeline again. The sweetest lady helped me through my thoughts and tears, while encouraging me to walk, and got me to a point where my anxiety was fading, and my chest wasnt in so much pain.

retuning to work after lunch with a clearer head, allowed me to cross of some of the tasks i had.

no matter what my mind says, i must be strong because i am not worthless, i am not a failure. I am not perfect, I am Not_Batman

[Not_Batman]

Today was better. I still woke up early, and dozed for a couple of hours, but at least i didnt have a chill. Could it just be the weekend?

anxiety has just been a dullness inside,.

i did a guided meditation today, which didnt take the feelings away, but gave me a chance to rest, recharge, and be positive.

one day at a time i guess.

NB

[Ggrand]

Hello Dear NB...

I am pleased that today is better then yesterday...

That’s what here is for..to release the built up thoughts which I feel helps to help calm us....as well as getting support...

Your wife sounds amazing and very supportive..

Have you tried listening Dan Jones sleep stories on you tube while you’re laying down to sleep....They do help to put all those chatty anxious thoughts that seem to get worse at night....Maybe you might like to give it a go....They are very gentle stories of peaceful places...

I love what you said....”no matter what my mind says, i must be strong because i am not worthless, i am not a failure. I am not perfect, I am Not_Batman”...and it’s so true.....You are a very valued, worthy and caring person to so many on these forums...I really hope NB..that you are also proud of your achievements here...We are..

My kindest and most caring thoughts adear NB..

Grandy..

[Not_Batman]

Dear Grandy. I have no clue who you are, what you look like, but im sure you have a heart the size of pharlaps. And not just you, anyone who gives support to those in need really has a kind heart. I get really really emotional when people do support, or say something kind, i guess because i get a feeling of ‘why cant i care about myself the way this person cares’.
My wife knows it makes me a little emotional when she texts me’i love you’ so she decided to text me the same message 20 times in a row. 😊 with the best of intentions.

tonight i will have on hand a sleep story. The midnight laundrette on headspace is normally my go to, but in the heat of the moment, being my MDD episode this week, i forgot everything i had learned, and was in survival mode.

the weekend has allowed me to connect a little with my thoughts, but i find that when i am having these sort of feelings, it takes me until about 2pm until all of the anxiety goes away, and the inner voice goes quiet.

so, im trying to find what the trigger was. At the beginning of last week my boss accused one of my staff for not pulling their weight, which wasnt entirely accurate, suffice to say i had to have a talk with my guy...the thought of this made me feel as though i was the one to blame for it all. And naturally my thoughts went negative.

i also stopped having coffee in the last couple of weeks, going from 4-5 cups a day to 0. I read that caffeine withdrawal can have a big negative effect on ones anx & dep, but that it doesnt normally last for more than a few days. I really hope it is just the caffeine, i really really wish it was, but i think it was the former.

i just want to be happy, productive, and good enough in all parts of my mind, not just the one that gets shoved in the corner when the voice takes over.

today in the heat, i forced myself to move, so i went for a walk. Not a long walk because, you know, it was a million degrees. But i moved enough to get the pulse going and the breaths deep.

Got to do this for my family!

Not_Batman

[Ggrand]

Hello Dear NB..

I am just like you..trying to help others when I can,,,

I have my whole life been on the other end of kindness and care..and know how much a person can feel hurt, unloved, not wanted, not needed and unworthy of life and happiness...I don’t want anyone to feel that way..and want to help them not to feel that way....because every single person in this word is very precious and deserves nothing but the best in life...

I am a very emotional person...and like you kind words to me Starts my tears falling.,,Yes it’s very hard to accept the kindness of strangers...and we wonder why?..The why is because of your caring posts to others here...Shows us what a beautiful heart n soul you have....

I wish so much dear NB that you could care for yourself with the same compassion and kindness you show others here..

Well I must say that I do admire you for going out for a walk today with the million degrees heat..I just stayed inside and watch some tv..and play internet games..which has been my life now for a number of years..I hope you remembered to take a bottle of cold water with you....

NB.,,You are enough...Always you have been...and always you will be....

My kindest and most caring thoughts dear sir..

Grandy..

[Not_Batman]

I thought i’d be ok this week, but my mind and body had other ideas. It was warm last night, but i had a good start to the sleep. Then woke up at 4am, and couldnt get back to sleep. My go-to sleep story on headspace is no longer part of the free content 😞

Getting up was ok, but really tired and no appetite. I ate breakfast just to put fuel in the tank. Anxiety all the way to work.

at work i just couldnt concentrate on anything i was doing. Just feeling more and more hopeless and worthless with each passing minute. After 11 i had had enough, and decided to go home....or more so my fight or flight took over. Even though i told myself that i can do this, im worthy, and capable, i ran.

called the BB hotline and spoke with a lady. About my current depressive situation. Had a bit of a cry, then went home.

did some work from home, tried to have a nap, and relax but still couldnt concentrate. I remembered saying once that you can put physical distance between you and your problems, but you still have the problems. The thing the do is put emotional distance between your problems. Why cant i take my own advice, i feel like a fraud.

i cant talk to anyone at work about my problems, because i dont want to go through the same traumatic experience i did a few years ago.

i have a friend coming by tomorrow that i told about what was going on. Hopefully he understands (has been through depression before too)

Not_Batman

[Not_Batman]

Getting to sleep last night want a problem. Waking up at 3am was. So i put on a sleep story about a cabin by the sea. To be honest i dont know much else about the cabin because i went back to sleep...until 4 am when the dog started barking.

slept in...well dozed in until 8am. Just to get a little extra rest.

Just a light breakfast this morning, then went for A walk to get the heart pumping. All the while reassuring myself out loud with positive affirmations.

had a bath, did some cleaning, realised i wasnt dressed (just kidding) made the beds, had a cup of tea, and then played some guitar and sang which helped a little.

friends are coming over later for lunch, so i’ll talk with them about how im feeling.

my chest still has that dull anxiety ache, as does my gut, but i do feel a little better. I still feel like a miserable sack of potatoes, but no suicidal thoughts today, so that’s a bonus. And i still have my sense of humour.

i hope this gets better tomorrow, and the next day. I have an appt with my psychologist tomorrow, and doctor on friday.

Not_Batman

[Doolhof]

Hi Not_Batman,

Sounds to me you are trying really hard to make a difference in your life. Maybe you could go back over your posts here and write down all the good things you are achieving. Sometimes it is really hard to acknowledge this for ourselves.

It can be easier at times to give help and support to others, to offer advice and suggestions, then when it comes to doing the same for ourselves, it doesn't seem that easy some days.

I know what will help me. I tell myself things I can do, then turn around and do the complete opposite some days. I know a walk will help, instead I may lay on the bed and have a cry. Fresh fruit and a glass of water would be good, but I choose chocolate and coffee instead.

For me, I need to accept when I don't do as well as I could do and try again, not be hard on myself for a supposed failure to pull my own socks up. Self compassion is something we can all learn when we are aware if we lack it.

Virtual hugs are great aren't they! Knowing people care and accept what you are feeling helps. I hope you manage to connect with more people, techniques, devices services and what ever else can help you move forward.

Wishing you strength, endurance, a sense of self appreciation and all the virtual hugs you can handle.

Cheers from Dools