what am I doing

[dougall]

I do not know how to use this site and was looking for someone just to chat with.  I suffer from anxiety and have been suicidal quite a few times over the past 2years.  I have a husband who left because he did not want to know and kept saying get over it already.  Have a son who copes by hiding in his room playing games.  Have no family all abroad.  Find myself trying to push myself out of the quick sand and occasionally slipping under.  Made a promise to son so have not gone as far as I have wanted to.  Had counseling for 12 months. just don't know where or what to do as anxiety stops me from talking to total strangers.  Very lonely and confused as to what is expected of me.

[dougall]

you are already, didn't you know that.  That makes two friends yeah I am so happy at the moment.

[dougall]

Hi Pete, I went to the hospice and they gave me forms to fill in and I had to go and put a form in for a police clearance so until that comes back I can't do anything so maybe in a fortnights time I will be helping other people to create their own things.  One of the ladies who was in charge was so excited about having someone younger that 60 helping and she loved my craft work.  I felt like I was walking on a cloud so today is a good day.  My son is in a good mood so no stress there and my ex-husband is not annoying me so all is good so far.  It is amazing how things can change in a split second and everything seems to be your fault and it is like that huge beautiful white cloud has suddenly turned black and heavy.  I have been seriously dealing with bad thoughts for the last two years and I am only now feelling that I have a chance to meet new friends, such as yourself and Hideaway.  It is great to be able to chat about anything and people just listen or can relate, I have not had that.  It is like finding a freedom you thought would never be yours.  I am so happy, know I will come down with a bump but just going to enjoy this day for the day it has been.  I have done several things that have challenged me and did not get a panic attack and have two new friends I can talk to about anything.

[pdent]

Good on you Dougall

you have had a very positive day

And more importantly something to look forward to 

I bet the people in the hospice will enjoy your craft ..my mother has moved in a nursing home and it is one of her favourite activities

 i am so pleased for you

Pete

[dougall]

Hi Pete, thanks for that.  Now I only need my son to take the dog around to his fathers and it will make my day complete.  Asking too much he is 17 and does not want to do anything.  Can't have everything ha ha.  Have a good night.

[HA1]

:)) Thank you Dougall!   As you say, it is a nice feeling!

I was able to strike a few important tasks off my to-do list (including catching up with all paperwork) over the last 3 days.  A real weight off my shoulders.  Now I feel pretty good.

hope your good day continues.

 take care

K

[dougall]

Hi Hideaway so nice to hear from you.  Glad you got the paperwork done, now you can do something fun  unless the paperwork was.  I know what it is like to have to get paperwork done for bas as my husband had to do that every three months, I don't have to worry about that anymore.  Cats have just woke me up wanting out so 5.00am it is dark and the birds are just starting to chirp.  Today I am taking the dogs a walk if I can motivate myself.  The beach is a ten minute walk away but it is where the town center is.  Have you planned anything for Halloween, my son wanted a party so I have invited some people over, they just all happen to be ex husbands friends, it is company for my son.  It will be an interesting night.  The triggers will be ex husband and booze so might night might be spent typing or sleeping.  I have to try and get through the triggers as I can't always avoid them.  Hope your day has something wonderful in store for you.

[HA1]

Good morning Dougall!

yeah you picked the date, BAS time!  Got it in on time, I really did not think I could do it, but was really happy that for once I was able to discipline and motivate myself to knuckle down and get it done.  

Nothing doing for Halloween, normally just do something to entertain the local kids (mine are grown up) and of course my dog.  Loves greeting the kids in their dress up costumes, haha, so funny.

it is wonderful early in the morning, my favourite time.  I get up no later than 4am just to enjoy the start of day.

Have a wonderful day.

K

[dougall]

Hello, the birds have got louder as I have been typing, still dark though.  What kind of dog do you have and how grown up are your kids?  The reason I am having the party is my 17 year old son wanted to invite his girlfriend over and it had to be a party so the invitation she could show her parents as they do not want her having a boyfriend, never changes.  Glad the BAS is over until the next time.  Being non American the tradition on Halloween is lost on me, Guy Fox is the best night.  We used to take a cart and hand made dummy around for donations and at the end of the night you would throw the dummy on top of the bonfire, November the 5th.  Same with hogmaney, new years ever in Scotland, loved that tradition, going knocking of neighbours doors with a drink at midnight and wishing them well for the following year.

I have two hours before my son heads off to school so I nice peaceful time till then.  We live across the road from the school so all the traffic and kids start around 8.00am.  I hope your day goes the way you want it to, you never know you might get a nice surprise.

[dougall]

It is so scary when your brain decides to take over your body, still trying to calm down, breathing deeper but still feeling like it is someone else typing this, typing is second nature so don't have to look at the keys just think and fingers do the typing.  Will these panic attacks ever go away, I hope so, so I feel like crying now, screen blurring, roller coaster of emotions, usually have to try and talk myself out of it.  It is just me and the laptop yet I feel there are a thousand eyes on me, why?  Have never written down what a panic attack feels like so will read this back when I am more composed.  Thank you whoever is with me.

[pdent]

Hi there dougall

I have not had a good day either 

I hope I can stop worrying about things I have only a small control of 

I suppose you have to do what feels right in reguard to postings as long as its helping you ,I just treat it as a distraction from my thoughts, I do wonder if its helpful or I wind myself up more 

Your no less or no more important than anyone on here ,our main goal is to get as healthy as we can and our kids to be self sufficient ...HSC finishes Friday I am hope that relieves some pressure for me

Your friend pete