Wanting to run when things get tough

[Elea]

I start a 2 week placement for uni tomorrow and all I've been thinking about over the past few days is how to get out of doing it. I've seriously been fantasising about how good it would be if I was injured in some way so that I wouldn't be able to go (terrible, I know).

For the past few years I've made it my mission to avoid the things that cause me anxiety- seeing friends, applying for a better job, dating, meeting new people- and I know that it's no way to live because it's caused me to be extremely depressed but it's been comfortable, I guess. And now that I'm at uni again and I've thrown myself out of my comfort zone, I'm dealing with these really anxiety-inducing situations again and my first instinct is always to run. I just want to quit and keep living my easy, but lonely, life. 

Does anyone else get this really strong urge to run away or give up when things get hard? Thanks for reading. Elea x 

[Guest_5218]

Oh Shelley, I'm so sorry I missed you at the Cafe.  And it now looks like I've missed you here too. I've been trying to find you.............

I am so sorry you feel like this Shell.  This strong urge to run from circumstances that cause us pain, is very real and hard to suppress.  Yeah my circumstances are different to yours too, but I also sometimes feel like running away from society in general.  Maybe run away and join Starwolf!  Oh, I think that would be nice.  ( - :

Is there anything happening just now Shell that is causing you to feel this way?  Something you'd maybe like to talk about with me?

Anyway you have probably gone out now, but I will try to locate you again later.

A really big understanding hug to you Shell.  And much love also.

Sherie xx

[Guest_1055]

Oh Sherie

Thankyou for trying to find me, it makes me feel like I do matter and that I am worth something to someone......you.

The idea of running to Starwolfs does sound appealing doesn't it.

I keep scrolling up and reading your words again, and looking at Hollys picture. Tears are in my eyes. But I don't know why? I don't even know what to say really. It feels like I am just sitting in my chair here, in my bedroom visiting with you. So maybe that is bringing some sort of comfort....I don't know??

I probably sound mixed up, that is because  I think I am. My brain seems scattered.

You asked me is there anything happening. I will try hard to explain. It is relationships issues. Males in particular. I don't think I really understand them. Well one certain male. I have to sleep now. 

All I can say is thank you,  thank you for looking for me and I always like hugs. And please be reassured, I am OK. I just needed some loving arms around me, is all. I had yours.

Much love to you

Shell xx

[Guest_5218]

Okay Shell.  I'm glad I was of some comfort to you anyway.

Men .......... Yep, a universal problem I think.

They reckon women are hard to understand, but I think the male species is just as difficult to work out.  Perhaps even more so.

I hope you have a good sleep now, which should help to 'unscatter' the brain a bit.

Trust that it will all work out in the end .......

Another hug in case you need it, okay.

Sherie xx

[Moonstruck]

Shelley anne, Sherie.....it's been a while since I touched base with either of you properly - you've both been beautiful and caring towards me..."wanting to run"..oh yes I am familiar with it...in fact I've sort of "run from" this forum even though I am overflowing with thoughts, some becoming a bit paranoid I think....perhaps that's what happens when I keep it all in - I think I'm going to bore all you wonderful courageous souls on here! 

The only place I felt safe was when dark finally fell and I could get into bed, knowing no one could "find me" via phone, text, email - in the daytimeI kept my door shut..just in case a neighbour walked past, or someone dropped over!

One morning I even turned down the sheets on my bed (like a maid in a hotel) so i could look in and see my "safe place to run to" and know it was there if I needed it!    I won't repeat the emotional happening that triggered my panic.. (my beloved pet I had to re-home and worried he is not cared for properly)...I cried every day for over a week -the scenarios of "what could happen to him" play over and over, bordering on obsession!  I picture ghastly outcomes - I can't get the thoughts out of my mind...like a mouse on a wheel!

It was my grand daughter's birthday yesterday..I rang her..she sounded fine, said it was a happy day.....I put down the phone and suspected "something was wrong". I read negative things into the way her father (my son) answered the phone, the fact her Mum didn't come to the phone..I hoped the little girl wasn't just "pretending all was OK".    I have made an appointment to see someone professional, but couldn't get in before a few weeks.

Any advice on where I begin to explain to them? How to avoid sounding stupid, boring, my problems sound trivial, imaginary, too dramatic - they mightn't take me seriously -I will start to cry as soon as I begin talking. Everything might be magically OK by the time the appointment comes around...should I cancel it, if I feel better?

I am sorry for rambling on like this....but wanted to say "luv you..and thinking of you" to Shelley and Sherie......Starwolf and BlondGuy if you're there.....you invariably cheer me up too!...(It's My Night tonight...full moon!).

[Guest_5218]

Moonstruck... hi.  Great to see you again.  Yes, your absence has been noted and I have been thinking of you, many times.

Sorry you've had such a lousy week.  Thats really hard.  In answer to your question about your upcoming appointment.  I think you should keep the appointment, even if you are feeling better by then and dont think you need it.  But just remember how you feel now and why you made the appoinment, and make sure you tell him/her when you do see them.  Write down some notes now, so you remember on the day.  

You will never bore me Moonstruck.  So please dont keep it all inside of you.  Vent a little ........

Try not to worry too much about your beloved former pet.  There is nothing much you can do about it now.  He is being well cared for I believe I heard you say last week.  Just not receiving the love that you gave and could still give to him.  I know that must be really hard for you, but his new family obviously still want him, so you just need to let him go.  Just make sure that his new family know that you would be very happy to have him back, if their circumstances change in future.  Thats probably all you can do.  Try not to punish yourself for doing what you felt you had to do back when you gave him up.  They are very adaptable little guys and he's probably very happy.

I also get that way you described about 'hiding myself away' at times.  I shut doors, windows, blinds, etc.  And after dark I keep lights out or very low so nobody knows I'm at home.  I dont answer the phone or the door.  And I hide in the dark so nobody will bother me.  I feel sometimes that I just have to get away or be left alone for a time.  Obviously when hubby is home I dont get to do that too much.  But he is away a lot often for a month or so at a time.  So it is then that I tend to get this way.

How old was your granddaughter yesterday?  It was my daughter-in-laws birthday last Wed (37), my older sisters today (58), my eldest nephews tomorrow (17), my brother-in-laws on Thurs (60) and my father-in-laws on Sunday (90).  So it is a big month for birthdays in my family.  Other big ones for us is April where we have 4 more close family birthdays and then in August with another 4, of which 3 are grandkids.  It gets pretty hard to remember them all.  So I keep my diary handy all the time!  ( - :

Must go now Moonstruck.  But I look forward to hearing from you again soo.

Yes, it is your night tonight ............... full moon.  ( - :

Sherie xx

[Moonstruck]

Thank you Sherie.....my grand daughter just turned 8....her little brother is 5. Needless I say I adore them both but they live a fair distance away so don't see them ALL the time (probably to their Mum's relief)..I am lucky my daughter in law and I get along well.

It seems a good idea of yours to write things down I want to tell the woman professional I am seeing in a few weeks.  Otherwise I might act all composed and "together" and she'll wonder what I am doing there!

To try and figure out if I was over-reacting and magnifying  the trigger-point experience with visiting my old pet....I wrote down the things (list of stressors) that had been getting me down and worrying me just before I saw him - it was easy to come up with 11.....perhaps I had been dealing with and keeping on top of numerous things before the visit just "tipped me over the edge"......I was quite surprised myself to count 11 other things leading up to the melt-down...so I will try and not punish myself for collapsing in a heap!

When you "shut yourself away" in the dark etc as you describe, not wanting to be disturbed...I understand that so well - I will just add that during those times, the rest of the world is missing out on a beautiful shining light..that is you dear Sherie....I am glad you chose to shine that special light on me......Cheers now...x

[Guest_1055]

Hello Moonstruck

I was thinking of you just now. Anyway I just wanted you to know that. I am not sure if you like hugs, but I will just send one out to you, in case you need or want one. Hope you are OK.

Much love to you

Shell xx

[Moonstruck]

Oh yes Shelley...hugs are so important to me.....never have enough hugs! 

Thanks for yours just now....and here's another right back for you.

I am not out of the woods re the obsessive thinking, magnifying everything out of proportion....imagining they are much worse....then I worry more, that I'm creating a self-fulfilling prophecy.....I can usually get off the treadmill pretty fast...but this time it has hit me hard!  

Then I think, "what if it's true, what if things ARE bad and these are signs, symbols, warnings that I am needed to do something about it..what if I fail to help, miss the chance to save this situation". I don't know!!!

I'm functioning, and to the outward eye I'm sailing along fine...(I"m a good actress) if I can get through next few weeks without slipping back, I'll see a professional and just hope,hope, she takes me seriously.............thanks for caring Shelley anne........have a good day..

[Guest_5218]

Good evening Moonstruck.

Did you have a nice evening last night, with it being a full moon and all?

Sorry I didnt get back to you before now, I was working this morning and will be heading back to work again soon.  But just got time for a quick post or two.

Like you, my grandkids are not nearby.  My (step)daughter lives 5 hours South of us, and my (step)son lives 6 hours North of us.  South we have 2 grandkids, a boy 6 and girl 3.  And North we have 4 grandkids, 3 boys (17, 13, 6) and 1 girl (3).  We get to see them usually a couple of times a year when either when we visit them or they visit us.  It would be nice to see more of them of course.

What a lovely thing to say Moonstruck:  "When you "shut yourself away" in the dark etc as you describe, not wanting to be disturbed...I understand that so well - I will just add that during those times, the rest of the world is missing out on a beautiful shining light..that is you dear Sherie....I am glad you chose to shine that special light on me".  Thankyou so much.........          ( - :

I hope Moonstruck that you are finding your way off that treadmill.  It is good at least that you are functioning. Being a good actress only hides your distress from everyone else, but not from you.  I am sure that your appointment in a couple of weeks time will prove beneficial.  She will take you seriously.

Take care Moonstruck.  I care about you and wish you the best.

Hugs to you.

Sherie xx