Trying to please everyone and it backfiring.

[Beaser]

Hi and my best wishes to all.

I was wondering if people have had the experience of saying yes to things or no out of trying to please people and also because its easier than having to explain yourself.  

I had said yes to a camping trip but had reservations and ended up pulling out. 

My friend isnt to happy with me because of it.   Hes been a good mate but i just couldnt handle the pressure and anxiety that had built up . 

 Sometimes i find covering for my anxiety causes me to even lie about what is going on for me ,.

I pride myself on my honesty and hate that this happens.  

Im just wondering about others similar experiences.

Best wishes     Beaser

[therising]

Hi Beaser

It's definitely tough when the people pleaser in us is often chatting away up there in our head: 'If you don't say 'Yes', that person is going to get upset with you', 'If you don't find time in your busy schedule to help that person, this makes you a horrible human being', 'If you don't please these people, they're going to speak smack about you to everyone else and then everyone will hate you' and on it goes. I've found the only thing that will appease the people pleaser in me is...you guessed it...pleasing people. In its extreme, the people pleaser in me will make sure I never please myself and has proven to be quite anxiety inducing and downright depressing in the past at times.

I believe we humans are multifaceted creatures and being so can lead to the question 'What other part of me is going to lead the people pleaser in me to take a back seat on occasion?'. Another way of looking at it is 'If the people pleaser is always driving me (my decisions and actions), what other facet of myself can I put in the driver's seat for a change?'. I've found

• The intolerant part of me will drive me to say 'No' on occasion. For example, if the person who wants me to please them is demanding and harassing and is always used to getting their own way, the intolerant part of me may insist 'You have got to stop enabling this person and you have got to stop tolerating all their demands and harassment'
• The sage in me may insist 'You are doing way to much for everyone else. You need a break, some down time to yourself so that you can recharge. You need to learn to say 'No''
• The adventurer in me may insist 'Enough work! It's time for adventure or recreation. It's time to re-create yourself through something new. Take a break from others so that you can fully focus on yourself. Go away somewhere so that people can't contact you, unless in the case of an emergency'

So, just a few of the chatty aspects of myself that force the people pleaser in me into the back seat.

I can relate to a twisting of the truth sometimes, in the way of self preservation. Some people in life can be difficult customers at times, that's for sure. It can kind of be 'What's going to lead them to excuse me from pleasing them?'. In other words 'What's the excuse going to be?'. If they're typically the kind of people who won't listen to reason, they'll rubbish my legitimate reasons for not being able to do something. So I'll give them a reason they can relate to. I smile when I think of an excuse I've never used but one that would definitely lead anyone to excuse me from showing up to help them and that would be 'Sorry I had to cancel last minute, I had explosive diarrhea'. Quite the visual there 😂. The people we don't want to let down, the ones who'd feel sad if we didn't show up, are another story. The 'It's not you, it's me' approach can be a much easier let down for us and them to feel. 'I was feeling really unwell' might sound like a lie but is it really, in some cases? It would not be untrue if we were feeling mentally unwell (highly stressed, filled with absolute dread or deeply depressed). It can be a legitimate excuse in a nutshell, all condensed into a simple statement. Not having a lot of confidence in our self can be yet another reason for not being completely honest in the first place. To be able to confidently say 'I'm not a fan of camping. Sorry to let you down' can be the challenge. From the disappointment side of things, if someone's led to not appoint us the role of 'enthusiastic camper', there's no dis-appointment to be experienced or felt at any late stage. There can be plenty of other appointments to take on that can lead us and others to feel happy 🙂

[Ggrand]

Hello Dear Beaser,

I find it very difficult to say no…For the past few months, I have continuously said yes to my volunteer days, even an extra day here and there..to keep everyone happy…by doing this I have become physically unwell as well as mentally unwell….Due to my physical limitations I actually said no, and have given up 2 days work…I felt extremely guilty because of this…but since listening to the beautiful and wise community members, my guilt is subsiding and I’m feeling better about my decision…even though it was forced on me by physical pain…

I think that opting out because you are mentally unwell with anxiety is..you caring for yourself…please try hard to not feel guilty about your decision, in the long run, if we don’t look out and care for ourselves…then who will? 

You said your friend has been a good mate, Beaser, if he cares for you like a friend should..he should understand your situation and how your anxiety has unfortunately got the better of you…hopefully there will be other opportunities for a get together when you’re feeling better able to go….I find for myself knowing about a get together or trip to far ahead of the date can cause me a great lot of anxiety…. it’s like I went on that trip many times over in my head before the due date and my anxiety turns it into anything but pleasant…then I opt out of going….

Be kind, patient and caring towards your beautiful self Beaser…

Grandy..

[quirkywords]

Beaser

I too am a people pleaser and can’t say no easily. 
the rising  and Grand  have given support replies.

[Beaser]

Thank you all for your kind replies.

Ggrand and TR you make some valid points. 

Being a people pleaser has given me great anxiety and depression at times.  Its kind of like forcing yourself into a corner. Then having to scramble to get out. 

I never set out to disappoint or upset anyone but its just crappy that it seems to happen.  

My best wishes      Beaser

[Beaser]

Hi and my best wishes to everyone. 

I have had a bit of a rough start to 26   . I copped really bad shingles and am still getting through it .  The most painful thing ive ever gone through.

Ive decided to step back from my footy club volunteering a bit.  I just find i need some space to enjoy my time there a bit more. I know its good for me in some ways but i felt a bit pressured last year. 

I just find myself in such an uncomfortable state with telling people i wish to step back a bit. 

Every time i have to make such decisions i find it so unsettling. 

Maybe this sounds a bit trivial to some but maybe some can relate.

Best Wishes       Beaser

[Ggrand]

Hello Dear Beaser,

Im so sorry you got Shingles…I also got them just before Christmas, on my bottom, and because of the area mine just won’t heal..it’s been 12 weeks I’ve been in pain from them…my heart goes out to you…You’re 100% correct when you say it’s the most painful thing ever…I encourage everyone of the right age to be vaccinated against Shingles..

Please don’t feel bad about giving up your volunteer job..I gave mine up at Christmas, due to health and other issues..I can understand how hard it is to tell them..I kept putting of telling them because I thought it would upset them a bit…but to be honest, the management and workers really didn’t care that I left…I felt very under valued when they didn’t care….it made me feel sick knowing I put in over 10 years as a volunteer and wasn’t appreciated enough for them to even ring me once to see how I’m going health wise..

Beaser, please, you should put yourself first, your mental and physical health is in your hands, you need to take really good care of yourself first….because no one else can…your volunteer job will probably still be waiting for you if you want to return to it…but for now, enjoy some you time to get yourself well again..

My kindest thoughts, 

Grandy..

[Beaser]

Thank You Grandy.

I really appreciate your reply and you telling me how you had been.

Im really sorry to read you are going through Shingles.  I still have a bit of a rash and am using prescribed Lyrica from my GP.  It has eased my pain but because i had it so bad i have nerve damage also. First time at 60 im not quite sure what brought it on as i had been going well stress wise.

Your right about my volunteering i do need to look after myself . Ive arranged to meet up with someone tomorrow for a chat and to let them know. So ill see how that goes.

I hope you have a good arvo. Its been a real warm Autum day here in VIC.

Beaser

[therising]

Hi Beaser

It's amazing how we don't take all that much notice of all the different parts of our body until something like our nerves, for example, start drawing our attention to them. Nothing quite like shingles to have the nerves in a certain area screaming at full volume. I feel for you so much.

Absolutely nothing wrong with reassessing a sense of balance in life, especially while our body's begging for us to be in rest and recovery mode. While the medical world can suggest it takes this long or that long to recover from a certain condition, every body is different and in some cases it makes more sense to listen the the body itself rather than the general consensus. Same goes for listening to what's right, rather than listening to all the things we've been led to believe when it comes to what society dictates. No matter what anyone may tell us, there's a time to volunteer for others and a time to volunteer to take more care of ourself. Taking more care of ourself doesn't make us selfish in a bad way, it may simply mean that we're gaining a good sense of where the most attention needs to be directed, toward ourself. 

I'm going back a few years when I recall the struggle to take time off work, which meant the family would be relying on my husband being the sole income earner. I had so much going on in the lead up to taking 18 months off going out to work. For the first time in my life I was suffering from ongoing anxiety. I could feel way too much on my plate. The day I resigned, my boss reassured me 'Anxiety is telling you something in your life has to change and you need to listen. If this is what needs to change (leaving the job) so be it'. She struggled with anxiety herself so she was incredibly supportive. All the social standards that tortured me in the lead up to resigning were doing my head in. My inner dialogue was along the lines of 'You're hopeless. Anyone else would be able to manage working on top of everything else', 'A non income earner has less value than the bread winner of the family' and on and on it went until my mum put a stop to it. She reminded me that I was considering taking time off to better manage what I needed to manage at that time in my life. So much outside of work had my divided attention, instead of me needing to give certain things my full attention for large periods of time. This 'less value' rubbish and 'You're weak' nonsense suddenly went out the door. That 18 months was time well spent and the family survived financially. Btw, I returned to the same job and am still there to this day. 

Maybe you'll return to the volunteer position or maybe not. Maybe creating the space for someone to step into may be exactly what serves them. You focus on you for now and your new beginning at a time in your life where you're feeling things need to change. Trust that feeling. 🙂

[Beaser]

Hi Grandy.

I hope things are going well for you.

I made a call to a friend regarding backing off from my volunteering . 

It went well and he understood and said he thought i might  be contacting him about that. 

He said he hoped i could continue to do a bit on Saturdays which im happy to do.  Its a weight off my shoulders and i can look forward to my time at the club a lot more. 

I hope this finds you well and enjoying your day.

Beaser