Time to make the step

[Danni1301]

Hi Everyone,

I think anxiety is something I have struggled with for years but just didn't really realise until lately it has started to consume my life. I am 24, I don't really have too many things to worry about in my life, yet everything seems like such a big deal.

My ex made me believe he was the one for me, then went on to cheat, lie and leave me while I was on a studying trip in America. Now having entered into a new relationship, im finding all these insecurities and worries creeping in, making it very hard to love fully. And as most people know, sometimes I don't even know what's wrong, so it's very hard to explain to my boyfriend what is going through my head, and when I do try to explain, the situation frustrates him. People who do not suffer from anxiety, don't understand, and that in itself is driving me crazy because we are the absolute perfect couple until I start to feel uneasy and he can't give me that reassurance that everything is going to be ok that I need. And it's so unfair on him for me to expect that from him, to be left cleaning up the mess left by my ex.

I lost my hair from stress, and now I have alopecia. Everytime I feel slightly stressed out, i lose a new patch of hair. I lost about 30kg, initially the healthy way, but then went on to lose more than I should have, usually by almost starving myself. The guilt of eating bad food was debilitating. And while now I have put on 5kg since then, I am starting to feel those thoughts creep back in.

I don't know what advice to give my boyfriend in helping me get through this. He wants me to talk to him, but when I do i feel like he gets frustrated or doesn't understand. And I don't know what to do to get this terrible feeling out of my gut so I can focus on my new job and just be able to focus on anything except that overwhelming fear that something is going to happen.

[CrashCoyote]

Dear Danni1301,

Thank you for posting.

Welcome to the world of relationships! I am twice your age and in my life have learnt that partners come from both ends of the spectrum and everywhere in between. You are right that you current or future partners should not pay for the behaviour of your ex, but you are also a bit wiser and your need to make good judgments based on the relationship you are in now.

It is a reality that whenever you put yourself out there emotionally, you risk pain. It doesn't matter if it is a friendship, a lover or your own children. The risk of pain is real but when it works the rewards are indescribable. The only way to avoid the hurt is to not engage emotionally. One of life's little ironies!

You may well get your heart broken many times in your life. Or not. But have your eyes open, brace yourself for a bit of hurt and learn along the way. Be true to yourself and those you love and you will probably attract the same. (No guarantees, unfortunately!)

I hope this helps a little.

Kind regards, John.

[jennyr]

I too had the same insecurities as you when I was in my early 20's. Had an ex and he cheated on me and then after that relationships were hard and I always seem to end them once that feeling of insecurity kicked in. I did then enter into another relationship and I stuck it out as he was my future husband and in my gut I did know this.  He didn't understand but I worked my way through it.  I'm now 41 and don't have those insecurities anymore. Yes we are looking at 20 years later but in that time I have grown as a person, from within, and I have stopped being so hard on myself. Surrounding myself with positive things.  Good luck.

Regards

Jenny

[Danni1301]

Thank you, Jenny. That is really helpful. Makes me feel like there is hope.