Telling Them Again

[A_Bit_Of_A_Pickle]

Telling my family how I was feeling for the first time was probably the most difficult thing I have ever done. When i was young I learnt that if I didn't want to get hurt, then I didn't share what I was feeling. I did want to share but the family member i was closet with had a particular way of shutting me down when ever i expressed how I felt - it always that their problems were worse and that I should try walk a mile in their shoes and then maybe i wouldn't be complaining. This stopped me from opening up to anyone or even letting them see my anxiety and panic attacks for just under 10 years. And to this day I still find it extremely difficult to open up to people about anything, even the smallest thing. i mean this in a very physical sense. My mind goes blank and my throat completely closes over to the point that it becomes hard to breath, and obviously the tears come. It took me twenty minutes during my first meeting with a psychologist to even get out that i had been referred by my doctor for having anxiety. I got over this mostly, and the last year has been one of the best of my life, almost completely anxiety free. But anxiety has me in my grips again and I can't quite bring myself to tell my family or friends again. I feel like I've let them down by succumbing to it again, and i don't want them to be worried or stressed because of me (yes i know they care about me and that this is an illogical thought) . i almost don't want to tell them. But i feel like i'm lying to them by not saying anything and then that makes it worse. I had a bit of a break down tonight about the whole thing (my family was not home), and when they came home I lied and said that I had been reading a book with a sad ending to explain my eyes, and now i feel worse, but they're going on holiday tomorrow, and I don't want them to worry or stress about me while they're on holiday because they haven't had one in so long....I know I'll have to tell them eventually but I just don't know how to without feeling like a failure.

[white knight]

Hi pickle, welcome

You seem to be in a circle of guilt. It isn't unusual for those with anxiety to lose confidence or not have confidence in the first place.

Guilt or worry is non productive! Active realistic thoughts are encouraged. Your challenge is to discount those wandering thoughts by asking yourself " is that thought unrealistic".

In time you'll become more automatic with practice in discounting those fantasy ideas.

Other people without mental restrictions likely won't understand about your anxiety and how serious it is.

Please google the following

Topic: confidence, how do you get it- beyondblue

Topic: they just won't understand, why?- beyondblue

Anxiety, in my experience, takes a long time to overcome. Relapse is common.

Good luck.

Tony WK

[JessF]

Hello Pickle, perhaps it might be less anxiety provoking to think of it less of a confession of failure and more in terms of asking for practical help. What are you wanting your family to do to support you while you are feeling like this? In an ideal world, what would that support look like? An anxiety condition is a fact of life, much like any recurring physical ailment. As you say, you learnt from a very young age not to ask for help, and over time this thought process has rusted itself on. Unlearning these patterns takes time, as Tony says, and in the first instance you sometimes have to force yourself to make different choices and actions against the advice of your own brain. But as you get different results from what you expected to get, your brain will slowly adjust to the new reality. You sound like you have a loving family. Reach out to them, and accept that the guilt will sit there for a while like a stomach ache after a bad meal!

[Dr_Kim]

Hi A Bit Of A Pickle, I think the responses to your post so far have been really wise. I’m going to add a couple of things. Please look at a wonderful podcast from Brene Brown on Vulnerability:


I hope this inspires you to understand that exposing your “imperfections” (in your case, your anxiety) to your family is being vulnerable and true. It is how we live “wholeheartedly”. How we live authentically. If others can’t accept our truth .. then maybe that says more about them, them about us. Why do they expect us to be perfect, flawless? ( Why do you?) Why do they need to push away your difficulties? Why do they need to compete by putting their own issues on the table at that time? I don’t know, but I don’t think they are necessarily bad or uncaring people.. we are all just doing our best to get by in this complex difficult world. YOU have to trust that you are also doing your best to get by, saddled with this “passenger” in your brain called anxiety.

Now anxiety is going to make you think strange and often illogical thoughts at times, it just does. Your job is to learn which of the thoughts in your head are coming from anxiety and which from your healthy brain . The association between having anxiety and being a “failure” is definitely coming from the nasty anxious side of your brain as it is something beyond your control. Your anxiety didn’t recur because you have been a bad person. Anxiety is often recurrent and yes, it is your job to become really good at managing it . However that is different from blaming yourself for having it.

In managing it, I mean things like.. exercising regularly , eating healthy , sleeping well, not doing drugs, not drinking to excess, taking your meds regularly if you are on them , going to counselling , listening to mediation tape , going to yoga etc etc… So Yes to taking control and fighting back, No to blame..! You have been doing great … go and live wholeheartedly and kindly.

[SourceShield]

Bless You Dr Kim!

Dont mean to hijack the thread.

But that was an UltimateResponse!.

You're awesome.

I just had to write this, and tell you!

You are a blessing to us all.

Sincerely.

Kaitoa