Should I stick with dating when it makes my already severe anxiety worse

[Sareus]

My therapist has suggested that I take myself out of my comfort zone because I’ve made great progress towards feeling better and one of the main things she suggested was dating.

I have tried numerous dates now and I’ve never made it past the first date as I keep letting my anxiety get the better of me by fulfilling its prophecies.

This wouldn’t be as much of a problem if the side effects of my anxiety weren’t so bad. I end up frustrated at myself, it makes me feel depressed, And most importantly it increases the appearance of my panic attacks and hallucinations.

Should I continue trying to find a partner despite the stress it causes me?

how do I explain to someone that I suffer from these things?

Is there anywhere I can go to learn about dating with severe anxiety?

[White_Rose]

Dear Sareus

Welcome to the forum. Reaching out for help can be hard and I am glad you have found us.

I have to say I do not know of anywhere to learn about dating with severe anxiety. Usually people make their way through these kinds of minefields in the way they find works for them. While it may be a hard journey the reward of knowing you can do this is so satisfying.

Moving out of your comfort zone is a brave step. It may not appear to be a big achievement to others but I know how difficult it can be and how good it feels to manage this. Self fulfilling prophecies can be hard to get rid of. You obviously know about them and I wonder if you have talked about this with your therapist. Our self talk is very powerful as we often do not realise we are doing this. As you say, the end result is frustration, increased depression and panic attacks.

May I ask, are you looking to date someone because you are looking for a partner or because your therapist suggested it? Nothing wrong with either. I ask because I think the reason we do something has an enormous effect on the outcome. In a similar position I may look at dating sites because I want to go out now and then and it's more pleasant going with someone than alone. If I was looking for a partner I think I would not be very successful because basically I am happy on my own.

Perhaps it would be helpful to determine in advance what you want to achieve. Getting through one date and feeling good about it may be OK. However if I want to find a partner I don't think I would act in the same manner, at least not at first. Does that make sense? Telling your date on the first meeting that you have several medical conditions may not make for the best enjoyment. I can understand that you do not want to demonstrate a panic attack or any other sensation. So why not tell your date you are nervous about meeting new people. This is a common problem so your date will not feel pressured in any way. Often it can make the date more successful. Why not give it a go?

If you find your anxiety getting too much for you, tell your date you are feeling a bit anxious. Most people are very good at giving a helping hand. Think before you go how you would want the other person to respond to you if you had a panic attack. The, if it happens, you can ask for the help.

Hope my words make sense and are helpful.

Rosslyn

[Sareus]

Thank you for the advice; And yes I do want to date for myself. All of my friends are in relationships and all of their partners seem to be great people. Which makes me be believe being in a relationship will be fun and I’d feel less alienated because I’m the only single friend.

also my female friends keep hyping up how great it seems to be in a relationship and even bragging without even realising. Which makes me feel like I’m missing out on a major part of my life due to my anxiety.

You have also brought up a major hurdle I’ve never thought of. I’m not sure how I’d get someone to help me deal with my panic attacks as I usually only face them myself.

[Katyonthehamsterwheel]

Hello

First - good on you!!!! I have anxiety and this sounds absolutely terrifying to me, so I think you're awesome for giving it a go. What I'd personally be doing here is asking my therapist for suggestions on strategies for managing anxiety in this scenario. As far as "exposure therapy" goes, which is what this is, if what you're doing is overwhelming your ability to cope, then you're taking a bigger step than you're ready for. I don't mean dating as such, but maybe the way that you're going about it. So how could you make it less uncomfortable? Is it the place you're meeting? Could you meet somewhere less intense? Is it a long date? Could you organise something shorter? Could you organise a double date with a friend? Would that help? Could you arrange something that contains a distraction? Maybe bowling? So it's less one on one? I hope you see what I'm getting at here. I wouldn't necessarily completely give up on the idea, but work on ways to make the date less intense. And perhaps work on ways to manage your physical symptoms of anxiety also.

Just advice here from things I've read. As I said, I couldn't do dating myself, so I think you're awesome for even giving it a go! 🙂

Katy

[White_Rose]

Hello Sareus and a wave to Katy

Glad you are looking to build a relationship. It is filled with terrifying moments but also with glorious times and feelings. Go for it.

May I suggest you keep a diary of sorts or a record of how you feel about each date. What was good and went well. What was not so good and how you could improve on this. Please don't write War and Peace on the subject. Just a few words mainly to celebrate your successes. I think writing helps us to remember more accurately rather than relying on our memories of feelings and which often revert to the less happy moments. Life can be unhappy at times. This normal. It can also be wonderfully happy and make you feel like a queen. These are the parts to remember.

Katy has given you great tips. Action meetings, so to speak, are probably less fraught with anxiety that sitting and talking. I like the idea of a double date if this is possible. Would one of your friends join you? When there is someone you know in the group I find it makes the whole event much easier.

When you manage your panic what do you do? Can you walk yourself through the process, hopefully without triggering your panic, and consider which steps someone else could help with. I know when I was panicking I found it useful for someone to talk to me. Not about the panic or anything in particular, just something for me to focus on and distract me from what was happening. If you have difficulty breathing perhaps the person could remind you breathe. Sounds a bit silly I know but taking regular breaths helps enormously especially if you can sneak in a couple of deep breaths.

Would it help if someone held your hand? Another person's touch can be so powerful and reassuring. Some like this while others prefer not. Either is OK.

Do you panic only or mostly when you are alone? Do you follow a routine, so to speak, to deal with this? Once I realised what was happening I like to imagine myself in a little boat floating down the river (but not if you get seasick). On the bank is my panic jumping up and down with frustration because it cannot reach me. Imagine the panic as a black prickly object while you are floating on the calm water which is taking you away from panic.

My psychiatrist many years ago suggested I visualise my panic as a big screw inside me which was boring it's way into my body. My job was to start twisting the screw the other way to get it out. I think that was good although I did prefer the boat scenario.

Mary