Separating and OCD

[Rod_NR93]

Hi all, this is a difficult post to write. I actually don't want to write it. My wife and I are separating (her choice) and I have OCD. Dealing with one is hard enough; having to deal with both feels like hell. The reason for separation is complicated. My health is part of the problem. Living in a blended family is another. There are things about my wife that I found difficult to cope with also.

I have been working closely with my psychologist over the past 15 months on my OCD and he think's I'm making slow progress, which is only to be expected given how long I've had entrenched anxiety. This is the hard bit to confess; what I obsess about. It's my vision. I have those dark shadowy things that most if not all people have in their eyes (tiny clumps of protein I think) called floaters. I've had them for years but they have been an obsession for me on an off for the past 20+ years. I cannot stop thinking about them and they have become a phobia. I'm scared to look at bright surfaces. I feel a compulsion to test how 'bad' they are. I've been checked countless times by ophthalmologists and optometrists, all who have said I'm fine and normal. I wonder though how I can possibly see properly with all the shadows moving across my vision, even though I know the brain can tune them out to the point the effectively don't exist.

I just can't stop noticing them though and they often cause me severe anxiety, particularly when I am under stress. Right now I'm not under stress. I'm going through hell because I'm losing my wife, who was also my best friend, my confidant, and my soulmate. I'm going to have to move into another house and I fear the obsessive noticing of these floaters in what will be an alien environment. I obsess about how bright it will be, how I will cope alone, whether all this grief and trauma will undo the slow progress I had made in therapy.

It comes down to this. Not only am I grieving the loss of my marriage; I'm also having to deal with the latest ensuing OCD offensive. For those of you who have experienced a marriage breakdown, you know the pain. It's amongst the worst pain you can imagine.

Thanks

[MarkJT]

Rod, you certainly have a lot on at the moment and for you to post what you did when you have even noticed yourself how hard it is, is extremely courageous. I take my hat off to you for achieving that.

I have not experienced a marriage breakdown so i can offer no advice on that.

In relation to the floaters, although different, i have, at last count, 6 bumps on the right arm, 5 on my left and one in my right hamstring. My anxiety tells me time and time again that they are cancerous lumps however have had them examined and CT scanned and they are lumps of calcium that for one reason for another form in some people. I used to be very self-conscious about them and would wear long sleeve t-shirts to cover them.

Clearly the bumps to me are a heap of less stress to me than the floaters are to you however when i get the thought that they are going to eventually kill me (via cancer), I just take the time to remind myself that highly qualified medical professionals have cleared me of anything dangerous in them and it settles me along with doing some mindfulness.

Is this something you think you could work on, as in practicing some mindfulness, settling yourself down and putting those thoughts away as you have been cleared?

Have you sought out other people that have floaters to see how they handle them? Might get some great tips from them.

Are you taking any medication for the OCD? I was med free for nearly two years as i wanted to see if i could conquer PTSD, depression and anxiety by myself but then found that I had taken it as far as i could so its meds for me now and although i wouldn't have done it any other way, I am glad to be on meds.

You psych thinks that you are making headway with the OCD, do you?

Certainly complex matters to deal with and there are lots on people on the forums who have had marriage breakdowns so hopefully someone will post some tips for you.

I hope you find some comfort soon. You deserve it and again, so much admiration for you to post what you have. Takes courage and you have that by the bucket load.

Regards

Mark.