Sense of Impending Doom

[Birdy77]

Hello everyone.

I have been really struggling today, and I thought writing here might help.

What I am about to describe may sound weird, but it is a true feeling for me. I wondered if anyone else reading has experience of it?

Every now and then, I get this terrible sense of impending doom.

Like, everything, everything, is about to go horribly wrong.

I have realised that I have been having these feelings semi-frequently for the last few years.

A few years ago I experienced an intense trauma in my life, and I'm wondering now if there are triggers, like little, tiny things, that possibly happened before the trauma, that I am not necessarily conscious of, that again happen now, in my life, and set me off on this spiral of doom.

This morning, the feeling of impending doom had me thinking that the police were likely to turn up at my door and take me to prison.

My life is good.

I am safe.

In my house.

Consistently not committing crimes.

And yet ... occasionally this feeling that the world is conspiring against me and everything good is about to implode just takes over.

I understand that it's irrational, but there's something that sends me in a spiral, and anything simple can bring me back up that spiral as well, like a text from a friend, or something tiny like that. It brings me back to safety.

I just wanted to put this out there in case anyone else feels this way. I want you to know that you're not alone, and I thought I might feel some relief voicing this in a safe space.

I'm not really looking for advice or anything, just kind of wanted a place to talk about it, not just for me but for anyone who experiences this.

I feel so vulnerable.

I mentioned something similar to my dad once and he said it's because I have a guilty conscience.

🌻birdy

[Peppermintbach]

Dear friend/beautiful birdy (and a wave to all),

I am gently holding out my hand of friendship with love, comfort and reassurance. I am going to gently suggest that posts can wait...just take good care of yourself and leave the rest for now.

Gentle and easy does it...as much as I love your replies and presence, I value your wellbeing infinitely more...

I know that things have been very rough for some time now, and the past couple of days sound particularly emotional. I think change and perhaps “milestones” are hard/bittersweet. With so much change, it can all feel very overwhelming and confusing, and trigger all kinds of self doubt...that can be painful and raw...

I don’t know if this is the right thing to say (or if I have completely missed the mark as I sometimes do), but maybe this is all part of your becoming/overcoming...your evolution, if you will. Maybe through all this turmoil and confusion, you will find your feet again. Find where and who you need to be...

As you said, deep down, you already know what you need to do. You know the path in your heart of hearts. But as is often the case, it’s the execution that is hard....

Maybe there’s fear and trepidation and maybe motivation is a struggle sometimes...so perhaps try not to rush the process too much, and just take minute steps. Celebrate each step...big, small, whatever you can manage that day is more than okay. More than enough...you are more than enough.

For now, just take good care of your beautiful self, and lean on your equally beautiful mrs b. We are all of course here for you too, gently holding you up and sending our love as well...

I think Eco-printing sounds wonderful, and when you’re feeling up to it, I would love to hear how it went 🙂

Much love, warmth and friendship

Pepper xoxox

[Ggrand]

Hello dear Birdy,

Im just calling in to say hello, and wish you well..

Deebi and Peppy have said everything so beautifully, I wish I could add to them, but I think they covered a lot of things with lovely suggestions..Your a precious lady Birdy, loved and cared for by a lot of people here...Me included..

Relocating is very hard to do sweetie, Just do things nice and slowly...please be very gentle with yourself and be kind to you as well...Treat you like you treat us..that’s with a lot of love, care and compassion..Take time out for you, play with your pets,and your chickens 🐓.. watch them running around, sit on the green grass and watch the clouds float by..run your fingers through the soft grass..just take time for you..That’s so important..💜.l

Sending you lots of love and warm hugs dear Birdie...💜💜🤗🤗..My thoughts are with you and Mrs Birdy...look after each other the best you can...Your both important to each other and us...

Grandy..

[Croix]

Dear Birdy~

In a spirit of kindness to those less well equipped I'll lower the standard of my jokes for a while in order to give you a hope of catching up, I could see that no matter how accurate the use of the word 'fruitless' it rankled.

Things rankling is one of the unfortunate habits the mind picks up unasked, the result of injury relived. Harsh words in your past will have scarred and the experience echoes on, hard to defeat. I'm mentioning this becuse as a person of 40 you can look back on when you were a 30 and remember that you outgrow need for your father's good opinion - progress with time.

Now I'm sure the passage of this extra time will help with those unhappy memories, that plus your coping skills which grow. They may always hurt. I was disinherited before you were on this earth and it still hurts, I can still remember the wording of the solicitor's letter.

I mention this becuse the hurt now is trivial, my judgment of my parents sure and firm, and any influence of theirs that remains is for good. I resolved never to make their mistakes or behave as they did, and that resolve has stood me and my family well.

I fell sure the same is starting to apply to you, becoming a wiser and more resilient person in the process.

Has anybody nagged you about resorting to alcohol as yet?

Moving, uprooting partner, animals and all the aspects of one's life to go to a fresh place comes with it's own set of worries and apprehensions, as well as physical difficulties. I hope you all really enjoy the new place

The stress of this - as I'm sure you are well aware - will make your symptoms more pronounced for a while. It will pass as routine takes over and things are found to be working out.

Your printing efforts sound 'interesting' and possibly therapeutic.

Croix

[Birdy77]

Dear Everyone,

Thank you so very much for all your caring & thoughtful replies, for taking time out of your days to talk to & care for me means so much, I appreciate it a lot.

Please forgive me if I do a group reply just for now, I feel like it might help me to write down a few things here.

When I said we'd uprooted & I'd fairly recently bid adieu to my youth, I meant in the last 18 months or so, I'm not in the midst of moving house now (thank goodness). But I'll tell you something that happened that I found really strange, but makes sense when I think about it.

For the couple of years before we moved, I had the most stressful time of my life, loads of stuff in my life went very pear shaped in a really horrible way (to put it mildly). For a stretch of time after this, I had to hold it all together: be strong, deal with legal stuff I'd never had to deal with before, pretty much suck it up & get on with everything. Looking back, I can acknowledge that i did well.

When we decided to make a fresh start in a new location, we made a bunch of plans & had these exciting changes we wanted to make & beautiful dreams of a new life & things were going to be lovely.

But once we were here, & all was settled & calm & serene ... I kind of fell apart at the seams just a little bit.

I started to feel all this grief & despair & deep sadness.

It didn't make sense to me: here we were, in a little cottage that we love, ready to make a brand new start & begin "the rest of our life": we're safe, we have a garden, we have our animal pals, we're near the sea ... all good, right?

But I think what happened was that all of a sudden, I didn't have to be strong anymore. I could relax, at last. And I think that's why I fell apart: because I could.

And I think I'm still working through all that, getting it out of my system to a certain extent.

We put some things on hold, small practical things like some additions to the house etc while I wasn't firing on all cylinders. I think the holding back on our plans is now starting to feel frustrating, stifling & giving me the willies because of little things like we have no storage, all our stuff is in boxes in what is supposed to be my studio/work space: I'm feeling crappy & overwhelmed & need things to start "moving" again, as that is what I need for my mental wellbeing.

Gosh this must be boring to read, but it's helping me to write it out.

I haven't even addressed you each, I'm so sorry, but I'm out of room.

Thank you all.

🌻birdy

[Birdy77]

Me again, I just want to briefly thank you each:

CMF, I'm so sorry to hear you also experience the dreaded feeling if impending doom, it is just awful isn't it? Thanks for dropping by.

Greg, welcome to the forums and thanks for taking time to contribute here. I am so pleased to hear that you sought help and are living a better life now, with support. It makes a world of difference doesn't it?

Deebs, you're a true gem, thank you so much for breathing with me and for all your lovely care. I was the same about being unfazed by age until the big four oh. It's like whaaaaaat? How can this be? Where did the last 2 decades go? Thanks again Deebsta.

Pepper, I think you are right, it's all part of my evolution to where/what/who I need to be ... I just need to have some patience. You know what that's like!! Thank you as always for your gentle understanding and friendship.

Grandy, you always bring such a beautiful sense of calm and serenity with your reminders of mindfulness and appreciating the beauty that is always at hand. Thank you so much for your very special words, you do have a gift Grandy, you could write beautiful little books of calm for children and adults, to bring them back to the present moment.

Sir Croix, thank you for your encouragement and your story of your disunheritance and relating hurts and how they eventually strengthened you related so well with my experiences. Nobody has nagged me about the drinking, just myself. I'm not a raging alcoholic, I just recognise that I'm not helping myself to move forward when I use it to escape, it sets me back rather than anything else. And most importantly, no adjustment of bar-height required thank you so much for asking, a level playing field is just fine by me (or racetrack if you're watching that S car go I guess).

Thank you all ❤

[demonblaster]

Beautiful tweety 🤗 and everyone

Please never think it's boring, not at all I'm so glad you have an idea of why you're feeling this way because it helps us to be able to figure out how to cope easier and how to change it if possible

I was thinking the same that when you could relax it's when we let it all out. Good you have though because stress needs out although its very hard to experience

Wonder if an option could be a shed for the boxes that later could be used for other storage or maybe a tent with a stack loaded in it out of the house or some what's it called the water proof dah it's big ...yip tarp then it'd be out the way.

Sounds lovely where you live darlin we'll have to have a star watching virtual housewarming one day with our lovely friends here

Babe you're doing really well unloading, keep going sweety it's far better here than causing you grief.

You're very welcome darlin btw and know you're loved and very appreciated, I'm pretty sure we all understand eachother needing time out at times it's self care and need at times eh.

Just can't stand the thought of such a lovely person hurting so much.

Let the power rise darlin like you are and yes go easy on yourself tweety 🤗🐥 much love and care 🕊 no need for reply to this ☺

[Peppermintbach]

Dear friend/beautiful birdy (and a wave to all),

Gently extending my hand of friendship, as always...I think what you said makes a lot of sense, and I’m so glad you’re writing to help you...to help unpack things in your head....here is your corner for us to listen, nurture and support you...the way you have done for so many of us, myself included...

As you said, when pressures, responsibilities and commitments pile on, you had little choice but to keep pushing on. To keep going (and going and going).

There was no real space to pause and cry and feel things...you did what you had to do at the time, and I think that shows a remarkable inner strength. Resilience. Grit.

But now, you finally have time and space to pause...to give space to those feelings that you had been repressing all that time. What’s more, the fact that you feel like you can finally honour your difficult feelings suggests that your current environment is a safe one and perhaps that means it’s where you need to be...or it could be shaped/evolve into where you need to be 😉

After all, you wouldn’t be able to allow yourself to feel those feelings if you didn’t feel safe in your relationship with mrs b, safe with your wonderful chooks and dogs, safe by the beach, safe in your garden, etc...but the thing is you do feel secure with those people, non-human animals and things, so all is not lost. You’re on your way, dear friend...

I think feelings just need a way out at some point, that’s all. Purge so you can then rebuild 😉 A little like letting go to allow space for the new...

I believe that the boxes sitting in your home will be unpacked. It all doesn’t have to happen overnight...maybe you could challenge yourself to opening the smallest box...then another one...and another...box by box, day by day (and rest if needed)...you’ll get there...

Listening, caring and holding your hand in friendship...

Love and warmth xoxox

[Croix]

Dear Birdy

>watching that S car go I guess

Thank goodness at least one person got it:)

A let down after an intense period is quite normal, I used to get it after the moves I had to make when being transferred. Moving is a funny thing in that it can appear to be a simple package with a start and finish date, whilst in fact it's an ongoing process. Boxes do get unpacked, though often the setting has to be there, bookshelves, painting, whatever, and this takes time.

You can thank my parents for my having a tale to tell that struck a chord:) Another reason I'm in their dept I guess:)

No your observations are not boring, rather they find matching emotions in ourselves, please do not be hesitant about writing.

>no adjustment of bar-height required

I used to watch a cartoon about Sylvester J. Pussycat Sr. His son (Sylvester junior) used to say "Now there goes a brave puddy tat"

Croix

[Birdy77]

Dear Everyone,

Firstly I want to thank you especially Deebs, Pepper and Sir Croix for your latest messages to which I have not yet replied. To have you in my corner here listening and encouraging me means more than you could know.

It has been a while since I posted and I have not been in a great head location, so have found posting difficult, i seem not to find the words when things are dark in my head.

I'm still pretty ineloquent, so I hope you will be able to piece it together.

You will be happy to learn that the long awaited Shed (it totally deserves a capital letter considering the lengthy wait ... it actually became a 4 letter word in our household for a time, if you get my meaning), has been ordered and delivered! It now lies prone on the back lawn (🤐🤐🤐) for how long? We shall see. Once it's up, I feel things will start to really improve.

The last few months, as I said earlier, i have been feeling frustrated and cross, and mrs b and I have had a couple of bad fights the last few weeks. It has felt absolutely awful. We've talked things through and sorted things out, but it leaves bruises on the heart and mind. I hope we're stronger for it. We haven't been ones to fight in the past, but I think the culmination of recent frustrations just burst the seams.

I felt like I wanted to talk about some things here today, but I'm finding it hard to bring words to the page.

So, I will leave you with my heartfelt thanks.

Love,

🌻birdy

P.S. sufferin'succotash!🥁

[Peppermintbach]

Dear friend/beautiful birdy (and a wave to all),

I think you make perfect sense, dear friend. Gentle and easy does it, and warm hugs too...

I get when things aren’t going great that sometimes it’s hard to assign words to feelings...and that’s okay. But I would just like to reassure you that your last post was perfectly understandable. It was spoken from your heart, and that’s all that really matters...

I know how much mrs b means to you (and you to her), so your recent fights must have been particularly painful. As I said elsewhere, fights with loved ones tend to hurt the most...

But hopefully, now that you have talked things through with each other (and perhaps with a bit more time), those bruised hearts will feel a little less bruised. Even soulmates fight, after all...

A very happy congratulations on your Shed. Capital S. That is very exciting! Every step (or every delivery in this case) deserves a celebration...

It goes without saying that whenever more words come to you, and you are comfortable enough to share (no pressure or rush though), we are here listening. We want to listen and understand...

I think of you often and I am sending my love to both of you...

Pepper xoxox